OUT & ABOUT

A month or so back I won a travel writing competition. I was pretty excited about that. To enter you had to submit 150 words about your favourite travel destination. As per usual I wrote about 1000 then had to trim it down. So it ended up a little truncated however, it passed the test and I won.

TASMANIA’S MARIA ISLAND

Awash with ragged mountain ranges and sunburnt cliffs of gold, Maria Island is a melting pot of spectacular flora and fauna, dripping with rich Tasmanian history.

We arrived at Darlington, ripe and ready to discover the natural and historic sites on the northern island – the adventurous climb to Bishop and Clerk with breathtaking views of Freycinet National Park and the long bicycle ride to the isthmus and historic French’s Farm.

Historic sites abound, but truly memorable was the step back in time to Mrs Hunt’s cottage with its burnt orange armchairs in front of a cosy hearth.

Our tranquil exploration to the famous Painted Cliffs with their cream and ochre stripes, was accompanied by a sea of wombats, mobs of kangaroos, Cape Barren Geese squawking with wild abandon and wedge-tailed eagles soaring overhead.

Breathtaking is the only word.

Maria fills me with a yearning to be in this lavish land.

But then, I got to go and explore the Low Head Pilot Station for three days and write about it. And now the article I wrote is published. You can read it here. Again, I doubled the word count and had to shrink it – I dream of one day writing with no word count in mind. (Hang on… I’ve done that once already. I’d like to do it again!)

Pride is not something I feel very often, but when my writing gets published there’s a little glimmer of gold dust deep in my belly that is grateful for the opportunity and thankful I have the ability.

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY: KEY FIVE

There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

IT IS ABOUT THE FOOD

If you don’t change your relationship with food, you cannot recover

I can’t really express how excited I am to share this key with you. It’s the first time I’ve got to key five. While key three emphasised that eating disorders are not about food, key five emphasises that the relationship with food has to change. It may seem contradictory, but it’s not. I don’t like sharing great chunks of the book as it’s not my content to give away for free, but this resonates so strongly with me.

THE THIN COMMANDMENTS

• If you aren’t thin, you aren’t attractive
• Being thin is more important than being healthy, more important than anything
• You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself and do anything to make yourself look thinner
• Thou shall “earn” all food and shall not eat without feeling guilty
• Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards
• Thou shall count calories and fat and restrict intake accordingly
• What the scale says is the most important thing
• Losing weight is good and gaining weight is bad
• You can’t trust what other people say about your weight
• Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success

I would speculate that every eating disordered person identifies with most of these. I’ve certainly identified with every single one at various different times.

Food rules are commonplace but get out of hand with eating disorders. You probably have food rules – whether or not they’re a problem is not for me to determine. Intermittent fasting is a food rule. Low carbs or no sugar is a food rule. Veganism is a food rule. These rules might be perfectly healthy and okay for a non-eating disordered person but they’re problematic and best avoided if you’re in recovery from an eating disorder.

My food rules are scattered throughout my memoir.

• 01. Hide food for later
• 02. Steal food when no-one’s looking
• 03. If I see it, I must eat it
• 05. Eat so fast that nobody notices
• 08. If I eat today I can’t eat tomorrow
• 13. Only consume liquids
• 21. Only eat vegetables
• 34. If I eat, I must exercise
• 55. Only consume diet shakes
• 89. If I eat, I purge
• 144. If I eat, I self-harm
• 233. Don’t eat food
• 377. Only eat when I’m told to
• 610. Take teeny tiny nibbles
• 987. Only eat what others eat
• 1597. Only eat at night
• 2584. Eat three meals and three snacks per day
• 4181. Don’t purge
• 6765. Forgive relapses
• 10,946. Eat intuitively

I’m not making this shit up. These are the rules that evolved over my lifetime. They were, for the most part, entirely founded on a fear of getting fat (which equates to being not good enough) and the rules had zero flexibility. All or nothing, go for gold. While knowing full well that nobody else lives by this standard and that “temporary change brings temporary results.” But an eating disorder is nothing if not illogical.

Look at the last four. They’ve been my food rules since I came home in May, with very little (not quite zero…) relapse. I’m working on number 10,946 but honestly, I feel so close. Change is upon me. That’s why I’m doing these keys.

My goal now is intuitive eating

Which you probably intuitively do if you’ve never had a poor relationship with food. Effectively, I now eat the old-fashioned way – three main meals and snacks if I’m hungry. I try not to stress about the “goodness” or “badness” of food – although letting go of that is taking time. Some days my intake is more nutrient-dense than other days. I’d like my nutrient-dense days to increase but I’m also not sure if that’s the shadow of ED voice calling out and panicking. But I know my angst around food has, for the most part, disappeared.

As far as your weight is concerned, there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” food

This is so hard for society to come to terms with. We believe eating cheesecake is bad and eating salad is good. It isn’t true. Salad is more nutrient-dense but when it comes to calories, 300 is 300. If you eat 300 calories your body will recognise 300 calories regardless of the source. Breaking the good/bad mindset is so tricky, especially when the entire world judges food. In the clinic I learned giving yourself permission to have a splurge at every meal, soon stops the desire to have a splurge at every meal. There’s something about “permission” that instigates obsession and rebellion. If I don’t have permission, I want it. Don’t you? But if I can have it whenever I feel like it, and I’m eating intuitively, then my body won’t always feel like it. My body will naturally crave a variety of nutrients because that’s what it was designed to do. While I’ve always known this intellectually, physically I’m now discovering this to be true.

The thermostat that tells us the endpoints, hungry or full, is broken and it is reset in the process of recovery

This is so true for me. A friend once said her only wish (in relation to recovery) was for me to recognise hunger. I didn’t know what it was. My body could be in starvation mode and there was no signal. I could have eaten enough food to feed a small army and there was still room for more. I was so anxious and afraid of every morsel, and I’d done it for so long, that I could no longer recognise what my body needed. I don’t know if my body ever knew. Now I’m learning those signals. I haven’t nailed it, but I know this morning my stomach rumbled so I ate porridge, but then sometimes I procrastinate-eat when I’m not hungry. I’m working on replacing procrastination habits with something healthier.

If you keep your weight goal as the driving force in your life, you will not be able to discontinue behaviours that interfere with your recovery.

Scales. The dreaded scales. I would like to be given a gold star for what I’m about to tell you – this is one of the rare occasions where I feel proud of myself.

For most of my life, I stood upon the scales of justice – letting an arbitrary number determine the value of my life. Then, on Thursday 18 May 2017, I disposed of those scales for good. I’ve had a handful of weak moments since then, but I soon realise how damaging it is. I’m now used to not weighing or letting a number determine how my day will be. Although sometimes I still struggle with other ways of weighing – like measuring clothes and jewellery on me.

The biggest, and most recent, change is an acceptance that I must choose between losing weight and recovery – I can’t have both. For so long, I chose losing weight. Now I’m choosing recovery.

A weight loss goal is incompatible with recovery.

Weight loss and/or gain may be a byproduct of the recovery process, but it cannot be a goal. And that my friend, is what has happened to me and why I feel I’m on the recovery road. I accept my body size, even when I don’t like it. There are lots of things I don’t like in life that I accept – this is just one more. I’m fit and healthy and well and if this is the natural body size and shape I end up with, well so be it. It’s not pretty but it works.

If I can maintain the recovery road and venture into the world of “recovered” (I think I’ve got a way to go for that) then perhaps my weight will be different. I’m learning to be okay with that either way. It sounds impossible but it’s true. I will write more on this later in the week.

It may seem peculiar for me to be doing all these keys then claiming to be able to do each one already – I don’t know why I couldn’t work harder on them when I was more unwell. But perhaps I needed to be halfway there in order to do them at all. I don’t know. But for today, I’m grateful to have finally (after three years) completed key five.

30 RECOVERY SONGS

Music is powerful. Babies are comforted by music in utero. My son used to wake up and dance to the ‘Sound of Music’ when I was six months pregnant and performing in the show. So it stands to reason something as emotionally challenging as recovery from [name your problem] can benefit from soaking in the soporific sounds of music that speaks to the heart.

Before I tell you my favourite 30 songs (I started with five but got carried away), I should point out I’m no spring chicken and nor is my music selection. A lot of it’s soothed me for five years now. So if you’re hoping for a top of the pops list, you’re definitely in the wrong place. Also – I lean toward cheesey pop, so read on if you’re brave enough.

Amen, to all the crazy things that happened that made me who I am

1. Amen | Andra Day

This woman has a fantastic voice. Listen if for no other reason! But it’s a song about positivity and thanks. Something we all need a little of.

One thing that I know, is it will get better

2. Beautiful Girl | Sarah McLachlan

Well the opening line says it all really. No matter what, things are going to get better – just hang in there.

This night’s been so long, I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn

3. Beauty from Pain | Superchick

This might seem like an odd song for a recovery playlist, but if you suffer from depression and can’t explain how it feels to others, this words it perfectly. It also offers a glimmer of hope.

Open me up and you will see, I’m a gallery of broken hearts

4. Be OK | Ingrid Michaelson

Kind of self explanatory really. I just want to be okay. Repeatedly.

It’s a better place since you came along

5. Better Place | Rachel Platten

This is a song from me to you. I love that you’re here in the world. Your very existence makes the world a better place.

Don’t let no one tell you who you are, be yourself

6. Be Yourself | Hilltop Hoods

This one’s not cheesey pop – this is as hard core as I get. But I like the message, “be yourself” and the images are all of Hobart, where I live.

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

7. Brave | Sara Bareilles

A bit of an anthem for courage. You can do it. Believe it.

May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground

8. Carry On | Fun

Get past the first 60 seconds of this video and you’ll find the song… Again, I just love the chorus. “carry on, carry on”. Just hang in there. We all need to just hang in there on the bad days.

Everybody’s born to be different, that’s the one thing that makes us the same

9. Close Your Eyes | Meghan Trainor

This song tries to get you to find that inner beauty. You know – that bit of you that all of us love and you struggle with. Close your eyes and sing to the world tonight.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me

10. Feeling Good | Avicii

This girl can sing! Just listen and take it all in.

I am a fighter and I ain’t goin’ stop

11. Fighter | Christina Aguilera

Cheesey pop and well known in recovery song playlists. But hey it’s a good message. You’re a fighter. Pick yourself up and do it. Fight.

Starting right now I’ll be strong

12. Fight Song | Rachel Platten

Very pretty voice. Another song bringing out your inner strength to take back your life.

Everybody’s been broken, everybody’s been down, keep the floodgates open, let it all out

13. Floodgates | Colbie Caillat

Upbeat and cheery. Every tear can put out a fire – everything we feel is valid. Let the tears flow.

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

14. Fucking Perfect | Pink

Not a song for anyone who is offended by profanity. But this is the body image anthem. Right now, you are fucking perfect.

I’m not afraid to fall, I might just learn to fly

15. Get Up | Superchick

These girls are passionate about telling us to get back up every time we fall over. No matter how many times we fall, just get back up. Refer back to Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” if in doubt.

It took me falling down to get on my feet

16. Hold On | Riley Clemmons

A Christian song but even if faith doesn’t float your boat, give it a go. If you’re having a bad day, just hold on. Some days that’s all you can do – hold on until the next day.

My winning streak has just begun, this is my moment in the light

17. It’s On | Julia Michaels

I just like this song. It’s happy. La la la la. A feel good song in my opinion.

You’re original, so just be you

18. Just Be You | Anthem Lights

The harmonies are beautiful. You’re one of a kind – embrace your loveliness. You’re lovely.

All we can do is keep breathing

19. Keep Breathing | Ingrid Michaelson

There’s something about acoustic performances. It’s like you’re there with them. Just a reminder to keep breathing. Keep on breathing.

Rolling even on the bad days, you just gotta keep, gotta keep on

20. Keep On | Sasha Sloan

I love this girl’s voice and “keep on” is my current anthem. When I’m crawling in my skin, I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.

Paint the walls black and scream, “Fuck the world, ’cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back”

21. Missing You | All Time Low

Bright and boppy and then it gets to that line, grit your teeth, pull your hair and just fuck the world. It’s my life. It’s my life. Let me live it.

I’ll keep gettin’ up when I hit the ground

22. Never Give Up | Sia

Another recovery anthem but the message remains eternal. Just never give up. No matter how many times life hits us for six, never give up. Hang in there every day.

I’ll rise up, and I’ll do it a thousand times again

23. Rise Up | Andra Day

The first line describes so many days when you struggle with depression – broken down and tired. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. But rise up.

If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back, for a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two

24. She Used To Be Mine | Sara Bareilles

From the musical “Waitress”, a look back at who we used to be, and looking at what we’d do if we had a chance to start over. To learn how to toughen up when we get bruised. Actually I just like this song because it sounds good.

So let’s let go of our mistakes, we’ve all got hearts that easily break

25. Soldiers | Rachel Platten

A call to self-love. We won’t break. No matter what happens, we won’t break. We’re all just trying our best.

Believe in love, believe in hope, believe in the way that you feel

26. Swimming | Pearl & The Beard

I love this pretty little lullaby. It’s a reminder that no matter what rains down, keep on swimming. Swimming, swimming, swimming.

You know you can’t keep lettin’ it get you down

27. This Too Shall Pass | OK Go

Oh well, self-explanatory really. How many times have I sat curled up in my wardrobe chanting this little prayer – this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands

28. Wake Me Up | Avicii

Well life will pass me by if I don’t open my eyes. Soak in the moments. Today will never be here again. You’ll never be this young again. There’s beauty in every moment.

I’m a warrior, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been

29. Warrior | Demi Lovato

Another recovery anthem. Powerful words – I’m a warrior. You’re a warrior. We’re all fighting a battle. You, me, them.

Live life with purpose, reach past the surface

30. Who I’m Meant To Be | Anthem Lights

We want nothing less than to be who we’re meant to be. What not what others think – just who you’re meant to be. You’re beautiful. Be you.

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY: KEY FOUR

There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, CHALLENGE YOUR THOUGHTS

Gwen: What am I supposed to do with all these feelings?

Carolyn: Feel them.

Okay, so I’m up to key four which is all about feelings. When I’ve done this in the past I felt there was so much WORK to do. Now I feel like I’m doing so many of the things already. So a lot of my answers for this key might be about past behaviour – not current. Which begs the question, why bother doing these keys at all? Well firstly, my black and white perfectionist thinking wants to make sure I get to the end of all eight keys at least once in my lifetime. And secondly, there’s always a lot to be learned no matter where you are in your journey. In fact, you don’t even need an eating disorder to be working on self-improvement. We all need it.

There are a whole pile of distorted thoughts we can succumb to and of the ten in the book, I can confidently say I tick eight of them.

I’m not always sure how these cognitive distortions served or protected me but I know what a hindrance they are. As a teacher, it’s easy to recognise things intellectually – I can see how behaviours impact outcomes, in myself and others. But head and heart don’t always live in accord.

The book then asks for a role-playing dialogue between distorted thoughts and healthy responses. I will just reiterate here how much I detest role-playing. But I’m nothing if not determined to do this key so here we go.

Automatic Thought: I’m beyond redemption.

Healthy Self: 50 years of learned behaviours and habits won’t change overnight.

Distorted Thought: I’ve been faffing around for so many years now and I seem to have gone backwards.

Healthy Self: It takes time to learn new ways of coping.

Distorted Thought: I seem to get more entrenched and comfortable with negative behaviours – it’s all one big backward slide.

Healthy Self: I may have faffed around for years, but it’s only recently I started working on serious change. Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

Distorted Thought: I’m fearful changes I make will be completely undone at the next distressing occurrence.

Healthy Self: If something unexpected and stressful happens, I now have a MUCH larger array of supportive tools and people around than I did a few years ago. It will be okay.

I challenge all of you to do a written dialogue of your internal thought processes. It’s not pretty…

Now the next task is to list all the associated feelings with the last eating disorder behaviours. I can honestly say – hand on my heart – my ED behaviours are disappearing. I had a purging relapse – once – about a month ago (bit more maybe?) and I was dipping tentative toes back into binging and restricting waters a few months back, but all in all, for the last three months I’ve been (for the most part) doing really well. The last month has been the best month of my eating life in – a decade. Or more. Since pre-lap band for sure. But, key four asks so here’s what I remember as associated feelings with ED (and other destructive) behaviours.

• Exhausted
• Teary
• Confused
• Fat
• Ashamed
• Anxious
• Depressed
• Lost

I just don’t feel that needs expanding upon. It’s all self-explanatory really.

The last time I “felt fat”.

This morning. Putting my jewellery on is always a depressing moment when I can “see” what’s happening to my body and I engage in the old dialogue of believing my true worth in life, is based on how I look. I know this isn’t true, but a healthy body image was the first thing in my life that I lost and might be the last thing I find. I’m working on it. I bought new clothes that actually fit me. That must count for something. Right?

I had spent my whole life protecting myself from the judgment of others by judging myself first and more harshly.

Gwen Schubert Grabb

The last exercise for this key is a feelings journal. I’m not going to spend a week cataloguing my feelings – although I don’t doubt for a moment that would be a very useful exercise. But I can tell you what I’ve felt this week.

• Distraught
• Content
• Worried
• Hopeful
• Afraid
• Relaxed
• Bereft
• Productive

And so many more things. I have in fact had an incredibly challenging couple of weeks – emotionally. I have been completely catatonic at times – curled up in a chair with a blanket, tears silently streaming down my face, incapable of doing anything more than sit. But I sat and felt the feelings. I have felt incredibly hopeful about different aspects of my life. So I sat and acknowledged the feelings. I have felt overwhelmingly worried about people and places. But I let the feelings pass. I have felt unrecognisably content. And I soaked the moment in.

To be brutally honest, I don’t like this feeling stuff. I have always been hypersensitive – prone to big wide emotional swings but I’ve never let myself feel them before. Feelings feel shameful. I have said, again and again, I was an emotional robot for 50 years. All those emotions sat inside and poisoned me from the inside out. Now they seep from my pores and I have no choice but to feel them. The good, the bad and the ugly.

A WINDOW INTO MY WORLD OF RESTLESS LEGS SYNDROME

How easy is it to talk about restless legs syndrome? To try and describe the indescribable sensations. To talk about treatments that do and don’t work. And to look at the impact it has on everyday lives, every single day.

But what does it look like? Today I want to give you a little window into my world of wiggly legs.

To see my video please visit:

https://restlesslegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net/video/window-into-world/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and restlegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY: KEY THREE

There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD

Simply creating a meal plan or gaining weight won’t cure an eating disorder.

Carolyn Costin

Key three is about exploring the reasons behind developing an eating disorder and a great many factors come into play.

I’m tired of demonising my mother but it remains a fact she disapproved of my body before I was even born. I was a fat baby and she didn’t like it. “I’m going to have to watch her weight,” she wrote when I was three days old. And she did. You really only need one or two key people in your life to teach you that your value is not in your physical appearance. I didn’t have those people. There’s a difference between health and beauty. I was raised to believe beauty is more important than health and only one body type is okay – super skinny and athletic. I still find myself wanting to become thinner and thinner and to become beautiful just to get mum’s approval – and she died in 2009.

Now that it’s well known I have an eating disorder, people tell me I look fine just the way I am. But for the first 50 years of my life, they either said nothing because I was fat and they didn’t want to be rude, or if I’d lost weight they would comment on the fact I’d lost it and say congratulations. It’s hard to reconcile that my body is acceptable to anybody.

As a musician, I worked with so many young girls and always strived to teach them that when performing we display our strengths (emphasising the fact everyone has strengths) and when practising we work on the things that are not so strong. I think the same can be said for body image. There have been so many campaigns criticising the overuse of photoshopped images and anorexic models that I’m learning to look at an image in a magazine almost like a cartoon or a barbie doll. It’s not real. It’s just a random person’s ideal.

We all have personality traits that can be used for the better and in this key, the authors look at the flip side of the coin for traits considered negative. Perfectionistic becomes precise. Obsessive is thorough and anxious becomes high-energy. I fit under the heading of most of the liabilities and if I focus just hard enough, I might turn them all into assets. Impulsive=spontaneous. Stubborn=determined. Controlling=directive. Compulsive=driven.

Most healthy people have a line that they will not cross in order to change their body, no matter how badly they feel about it.

I don’t have that line.

This key identifies 14 “real issues” that people with an eating disorder are probably trying to deal with when engaged in eating disorder behaviours. At one time or another, all of these statements have felt true. This is why I have had an eating disorder.

I’m afraid of myself and of being out of control | I’m not worthy | People don’t like me | I can’t trust my own judgments or make decisions | When I was binging or throwing I didn’t think about anything else | I need something that distracts me from my thoughts and feelings | Something is missing in my life and I tried to fill it with my eating disorder | I feel empty inside and binging took me away from that temporarily | Eating fills up my emptiness | I will be happy and successful if I am thin | Thinner people are happier | I have to be thin to be attractive and desirable | Losing weight will solve all my problems | I’m either fat or thin | I’m either perfect or a failure | If I can’t win or be the best, I won’t try | I can only achieve a good body through my eating disorder | Restricting was a real achievement, mind over matter, literally | I don’t know who I would be without my eating disorder | My eating disorder helped me feel in control of my ‘out-of-controlness’ | My eating disorder is the one thing no-one has control over but me | I feel powerless most of the time, except when it comes to my eating disorder | It was powerful to be able to resist food, like a saint or monk | I finally felt respected from my peers when I lost weight | I wanted to be admired and tried restricting to lose weight, but I couldn’t do it, so I had to throw up | People respected my ability to resist food | I don’t know how to express my anger, so I binged and purged | I felt like I swallowed my feelings when I binged | I can’t deal with conflict or confrontation so I resort to my eating disorder | Restricting helped me shut down and deny my feelings | My eating disorder was a ‘special world’ created to keep all the ‘bad’ out | If I follow my own imposed rules, it helps me feel safe | My eating disorder helped me get taken care of without asking for help | I don’t trust anybody; I used my eating disorder as my best friend | I’m constantly comparing myself to everyone | I’m terrified of being fat | I’m terrified of being deprived | I’m terrified of being deprived and of being fat

PHEW! THAT’S A LONG LIST

Thankfully not all of those statements apply to me now. But many still do. I’m a work in progress.

I learned acceptance and approval is based on physical appearance and physical appearance must be skinny, “You can never be too rich or too thin,” and I learned eating food numbs emotions. I have no recollection of “normal” eating. I have no recollection of a time when my food wasn’t controlled by someone, criticised by someone or when my body shape and size weren’t connected to what I was eating. I remember being offered money to lose weight when I was 12 (failed). I remember being sent to weight watchers when I was 15 then sent to the piggy corner when I didn’t lose weight. I remember stealing food when I was very young (8?) and hiding biscuits under my pillow. I remember dipping my fingers into cheesecake or dessert and hoping nobody would notice. I remember starting strict diets when I was about 17. I remember purging when I was about 22.

The first time in my life someone told me they were proud of me I was 35 years old and I’d lost 35kg. Like most women, every time I lost weight I received messages of positive reinforcement. “You look great! You must be so thrilled!” And somewhere along the way I developed an identity with the eating disorder and feel like it is part of me. Taking it away is like chopping off an arm.

Having an eating disorder has been a very useful weight-loss tool and incredibly effective at numbing emotions and avoiding life. But the older you get, the heavier the price you pay – physically, psychologically and emotionally – that needs to be weighed (pun intended) up against the benefits. So no – an eating disorder is not about the food.