WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?

I am trying to figure out why I indulge in actions that disgust me, but I do anyway. Sure – most of them are inherent behaviours. But I’m not as silly as I look – I do have the capacity to learn and change. My mental health stuff has become appallingly resistant to change. There is nothing we do that is without benefit to us. Nothing. Even all those things we do “for other people”, it turns out, there is also something in it for us.

I am a people pleaser first and foremost. Everything I do, I consider other people’s feelings ahead of my own. I don’t do this out of any sense of superiority or martyrdom – I do it because I learned it. I learned it watching my mother bury her own needs (most of them) ahead of others – and play the martyrdom card. And I learned it when taught considering my own feelings was selfish. One must always put others ahead of oneself. Always. Without exception. Right or wrong – these are the lessons I was taught. I gain a sense of accomplishment  when helping someone out. Or a sense of guilt if I don’t. And avoiding negative feelings is as much (if not more) of an incentive, as seeking positive feelings.

Now when it comes to mental health stuff, it is important to figure out how maladaptive behaviours benefit me. And more importantly – a question I actually asked my psychologist – when it comes to recovery, what’s in it for me?!

I feel hideously self-absorbed asking that… But ultimately, how can I possibly move out of my comfort zone, towards healthy but incredibly uncomfortable behaviours, if I can’t find a sense of purpose for the change? I can do it for others, but lasting change requires intrinsic, not extrinsic, motivation.

So – here’s my take on how my issues have benefitted me. Followed by my perception of how recovery might be beneficial.

1. Binging: This is the biggie – I’ve jumped in at the deep end. Primarily it numbs me – while I’m binging, there are no thoughts or feelings going through my head at all. It is also familiar and comfortable, and there is a lot of comfort in routine. It is an automatic, unconscious, go-to means of rewarding myself and it is also a way to punish myself when I’m “bad”.
2. Purging: Benefits are obvious – it’s a means of weight control. And also a clear way to punish myself. Very much a self-flagellation kind of behaviour. I hate every minute and every inch of it. I feel ashamed and disgusted and physically horrendous. Then I do it again and again and again. Because I have to do. I’m afraid to stop.
3. Self-harm: Bizarre as it may sound to anyone who never fallen down this rabbit hole, self-harm feels great (for me it’s cutting). It’s numbing. Very soothing. Incredibly mindful.It releases stress and built up emotions and the endorphins are calming and help with sleep. There are a gazillion bad things about it as well…But I don’t consider them at the time.
4. Restricting: Like self-harm, it feels great. The hunger disappears after a day or so. Being lightheaded is a big of a high. But mostly I feel in control. Powerful. And it feels like I’m doing something really positive about combatting my weight and reversing all the damage from binging. I’d rather be anorexic than bulimic – every day of the week.
5. Isolating: I do this a lot. I didn’t really realise it until recently. I hide away on my own so I can indulge in all my other numbing behaviours – including eating and self-harm issues, but also playing computer games or surfing the net. It also gives me time to recharge and write and think through stuff (I do a LOT of thinking. My head never shuts up – hence my need to numb all the time).

As far as the benefits of recovery? This is speculation… Given that I haven’t got there yet. But I need to find some things that I can perceive as being of benefit to me.

1. Weight: I hesitate to write this here… But I am totally obsessed with my weight and I can only assume that if I ever reach the magical land of full recovery, then my weight will stabilise in a healthy place. I have to believe this.
2. Health: Everything I do at the moment is sending my health backwards. If I can find even small steps of consistent recovery, it will be of enormous benefit to my physical – and possibly mental – health.
3. Relationships: I know there have been many people concerned about my deteriorating issues over the past year or so. I am definitely in a much better place than I was in a year ago, but I think some people are still concerned. Being recovered would mean I could return to being an equal – rather than a burden – in my relationships with family, friends and colleagues.
4. Money: It’s costing me a bucket of money to be mentally ill. Medications. Food. Doctors appointments. Retail therapy. It all costs money. I’d rather save for a good holiday to be honest.
5. Pride: I know it’s one of the seven deadly sins. But it also feels good to have a sense of accomplishment. I really do believe that if through some miraculous circumstance I actually manage to beat this shitty disease, I would feel an enormous sense of relief and pride. Just for a little bit of time.

MY STORY ISN’T OVER YET

I grew up in a pretty normal, conservative, middle-class household. My parents weren’t super strict. Or super lenient. They were just sort of – average really…
Piercing, body modifications and tattoos just weren’t our cup of tea. I remember my dad thinking it bizarre I wanted my ears pierced at 16. I did it anyway… Twice…
Never in my entire life had I ever (ever, ever, ever…) considered getting a tattoo. In fact mostly I thought tattoos were a silly thing to do – I mean who would do something so permanent to their body? That’s certainly the message I’ve been sending to my children for 20+ years! Then on my birthday last month, I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to get a tattoo. Not as a decoration – as a statement. Not for you. Not for family or friends. A statement for me. To remind me my story isn’t over yet. And so today I got a tattoo.
I read about the semicolon project sometime ago and was going to get a semicolon – to remind myself that despite chronic suicidal ideation last year – and the firm plans I had in place – I am still here. Then as I read more I found the phrase My Story Isn’t Over Yet popping up all the time in relation to the semicolon project, and I felt a strong resonation with that. So I had it tattooed on my wrist. Partly for the statement and the reminder. Partly to stop me wanting to cut into my wrist (it won’t necessarily stop me… But after going to the effort of getting a tattoo, I don’t want to ruin it now!)
Then when playing around on Pinterest I discovered an  eating disorder recovery symbol and I wanted that too. So I have the text and semicolon across my wrist with the recovery symbol on the back. All linked up with a squiggly line.
Now – I am not as silly as I might look… The tattoo fits nicely under my wristwatch, so should I be out and about and meeting people who I would rather not discuss tattoos (or mental health) with, it is very easy to cover up.
Despite it being very early days (I’ve had a tattoo for a measly five hours so far… It is in fact, still wrapped in clingwrap…) I am extremely happy. I feel like I’ve made a statement to myself. If days get dark, it is a visual reminder I’ve been there before and I made it through. I can do it again.
My husband now calls me his badass inked up babe, which is so not me… I am not badass, and I’m not a babe. I’m usually a big baby. I did ask for numbing cream when the text was done (I had it done over two sessions – not because I piked out… but because I kept wanting more bits added!) But to be honest, the tattoo with the numbing cream hurt more than the bits I had done today. So tattoo pain is like real estate – it’s all about location, location! Thankfully I only wanted five words – not the normal 1000+ I tend to dribble out…
I was asked today if I had it done as a bucket-list thing and I immediately said, No!! Because I didn’t. But it has left me wondering… What is on my bucket-list?! I need to make one… Because I would like to feel successful in life, I think I’ll start my bucket-list with things I’ve already done – so I’m now going to add, Get A Tattoo, to the top of my bucket-list. But I’d also like to fill my list with things I haven’t done yet. So the unfinished story of this badass inked up babe, will have some more interesting tidbits to tell.
 
 

TICK TOCK…

The pendulum swings.

How awesome would it be if life were linear? We could figure stuff out then travel on the path of success with nary a backward glance. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

Alas – today that is not the case.

I felt a sense of progress the past few days. Gentle progress I will be the first to admit. In fact – just a nice feeling of not going backwards. I was even starting to think that perhaps I’d travelled so far up the “wrong” road for such a long time, my first major achievement was to return to square one. I was tentatively hopeful I was approaching that fateful square.

Today is a delightful demonstration of the irony of hope. One step forward. Two steps back. Cha cha cha.

The day began as usual. Nothing unusually good. Nothing unusually bad. No major problems. No major pitfalls. An ordinary day.

Had a nice day at work.

Then for reasons that cannot be explained by me, I was hijacked by the insanity of my eating disorder. And a box of Freddo frogs. (Yes – a whole box. My son is an engineer at a chocolate factory. I hope he gets a job in a salad factory soon…) Thankfully I was feeling so ill after the first nine I couldn’t get any more in. I decided to skip lunch.

I feel disappointed in myself. Intensely disappointed. In fact, disappointment doesn’t really cover the emotions I’m feeling at the moment. I’m making a valiant effort not to focus too much on my overwhelming desire to plunge myself into a bigger hole.

It would be so easy to wipe out any of that sense of hope and positivity from the past few days. To wallow in a sense of, Why bother? It’s too late… I’m beyond redemption. It’s never going to get any better. Accept the inevitability of being a binge eating bulimic and stop trying to change things. In fact, I’m not really sure how to stop those thoughts. Perhaps it is easier to just let them wash over me and remind myself that like kidney stones, This Too Shall Pass.

The pendulum swings.

It swings left. It swings right. It always swings. I can only but hope that one day the arc becomes less pronounced and the motion of the pendulum softens to a gentle sway rather than a tumultuous tsunami.

HEART OPEN PLEASE ENTER

There’s a little glimmer of warmth, burrowing into my chest. And a chink of light, peeking into my spirit. If I listen carefully I can almost hear a heart-warming song. It has taken me awhile to recognise it – the song of hope. Unfamiliar. Really scary. Really positive. Hope.
Hope has a few different acronyms:

• Hold On Pain Ends
• Have Only Positive Expectations
• tHink pOsitive oPportunity comEs
• Help Open People’s Eyes
• Hanging Onto Positive Expectations

But I think my favourite is…

• Heart Open Please Enter

I have had years of being knocked over and having to pick myself up again.

• Grief after eight different family members died.
• Worry as my teenage boys dabbled in the risky behaviours so many indulge in as they grow into adulthood.
• Sorrow as my marriage started to crumble.
• Stress as my elderly grandmother became more and more dependent on me.
• Fear as my body aged and my youth disappeared.
• Pain as my back deteriorated.

Coupled with a lifetime of burying emotions and not dealing with personal issues as they arose, it became too much for me to cope with and I crumbled. Every time I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, I was wrong. Every time I tried to stand up and move on, another phone call came in. Someone needed me again. Someone wanted my help. Someone else had died. Another problem arose. Too much. Endlessly and relentlessly battering me to the ground, and in 51 years I had never learned positive mechanisms to deal with stress. The past two years have been eye opening and debilitating, and while I went a long way backwards, perhaps that is the direction I first needed to travel before I could embark upon a different path.
The past few days I have felt hopeful. Every time I become aware of that sense of positivity, that I may have a future and  things will improve, I worry I’m going to be battered to the ground any minute. The phone will ring and I’ll be given bad news. Again. I’ll be needed. Again. The phone will ring and I’ll be forced to choose between doing the right thing by family or the right thing by work. I’ll be put in lose-lose situations. Again.
But you know what 2017 has shown me so far? Nothing but positivity. Sure there are major stresses I’m still dealing with – but they are last years’ stresses and we’re working toward positive outcomes.

• My teenage boys have grown into beautiful young men.
• My marriage is receiving some tender care with tentative hope for the future.
• Nobody else died.
• My grandmother is being cared for in the nursing home.
• I love my job. I love my friends and family.
• My physical health is good and my mental health has improved.

You know what else? I found myself singing in the car. Singing!! I love singing and I’d stopped years ago. It is so good for the soul. Like alcohol however, I can’t indulge when I’m sad and stressed. I don’t drink to cheer myself up – I drink because I’m cheery. I don’t sing to cheer myself up – I sing because I’m cheery. When I realised I was singing, I realised I must be cheery.
So it turns out I have hope.

• I am hopeful my beautiful boys will be okay – they will grow into the wonderful young men they are destined to be. They will experience love and happiness and success. They will contribute. They make me proud.
• I am hopeful our marriage will continue. Hovering on the brink of separation has taught us both we’re not ready to throw in the towel. We value what we have enough to put in the hard yards.
• I am hopeful my mental health will improve. My depression and anxiety are alleviating. I recognise them for what they are and have strategies in place to deal with signs and symptoms as they arise.
• I am hopeful my life will go on. My story isn’t over yet. I have the opportunity and means to contribute financially to our family and meaningfully to society. I have abandoned plans to end my life and instead accept I have a lot of time ahead of me.
• I am hopeful my elderly grandmother and ageing father are in safe hands. Their health is good and they are well cared for. I also accept that yes, I will have to farewell them both in the future, but they have had wonderful, happy, long, productive lives and I have support to deal with the grief when it inevitably strikes.
• I am hopeful my back pain will go. I am thrilled about this in fact. I finally have a diagnosis and treatment plans and it is not major or degenerative and I will once again be able to exercise pain free.

More significant than all of these put together however, I am starting to feel a small sense of hope my eating disorder will improve. I won’t say disappear. Or aim for full recovery. I would be glad of those things – but so early in the phase of recovery (I may have been doing this a long time, but I went backwards before I moved forward. It’s a long and winding road…) I don’t want to jinx myself with unrealistic expectations.
You know what else? Without hope, I can’t recover. Without hope it is an intellectual exercise. Without hope I won’t make the right choice when faced with a difficult situation – I will make the most familiar and immediately comforting choice. Even if that decision leads to a poorer outcome. Because without hope, recovery is pointless. It feels temporary. Why would I make a good choice today if tomorrow it’s all going to fall apart anyway? I may as well eat a box of chocolate and be happy for five minutes.
Recovery is reliant on hope. Recovery needs my heart to be receptive – not just my head to be willing. So for today I want to say, my Heart’s Open Please Enter.

THINGS I’M GETTING RIGHT

It’s so easy to focus on everything that goes wrong, everything that still needs to be fixed, and how big the fricking recovery mountain is!
It’s so easy to regret the decades where I didn’t seek recovery or acknowledge the severity of my problems. And to bemoan my many failed attempts at change, the misunderstandings of my own behaviours and those of others. To look back in frustration at not having the wisdom or strength to question my thoughts and feelings and actions.
These things are easy to do. I do them every day. It’s part of the perfectionist thinking common to most addictive behaviours: I’m not good enough. I haven’t mastered this aspect of recovery, therefore I’ll never recover. It’s too hard. I’m beyond redemption. There is no hope.
While I do recognise I am climbing a very tall, steep mountain, and I’ve spent a lot of time sliding down unforeseen crevasses, today I want to focus on some of the progress I have made. And while I confess that part of the reason for this post is to make other people feel better (everyone likes to hear success stories) I also recognise that acknowledging progress is part of the recovery path in every aspect of my mental health. So here we go – this is what I am succeeding at right now (I had to retype the word “succeeding” several times – it sticks in my throat…)

1. I made an appointment to see a dietician today. I didn’t want to. I’ve resisted this for a long time as I feel I already know HOW to eat well and in a sensible manner – I just ‘choose’ not to do it. But – it won’t hurt to see someone who specialises in food. You never know – she could be my missing link.
2. I have not restricted for two weeks. Not once. Despite waking up every day feeling horrified at my weight and listening to the voice screaming inside my head about how useless and fat and stupid I am, and that restricting is the ONLY answer. I have not done so. Sure – I’m still binging and eating poorly a lot of the time (most of the time?) but I’m not restricting.
3. I am trying not to purge. I am – for the most part – eating in a manner that allows me to keep food down. I do slip up every few days, but compared to purging every single thing that passes my lips, it’s an improvement. It’s a conscious decision at the start of eating that allows me not to purge.
4. I chant the phrase, “The answer is in recovery” to myself relentlessly – especially when I want to restrict. And my interpretation of that is true recovery will eventually see me eating healthy meals throughout the day – for hunger and pleasure – and will leave me without guilt or shame. And that this manner of eating will ultimately lead to my weight stabilising in a healthy place. This I have been promised… My soul does not believe it – but many people tell me it is so. I am trying to have faith in them.
5. I am watching Rana’s facebook videos – almost every day. I am trying to absorb her really sensible lessons. It’s not information that is new – but it is information I need to keep hearing, because clearly I keep forgetting to do it.
6. I am not self-harming. While I did have a bad moment during a few sleepless nights last week, in general I am not self-harming any more.
7. I got a tattoo – more on that later (it won’t be finished until tomorrow)! But it is meant to be a line in the sand to remind me that suicide is not an option – my story isn’t over yet…
8. I am writing. Mostly (in fact entirely) I write here now. I used to do journaling, but now I do blogging. I figure as long as I’m writing, that is all that matters! Again – it was a tool I had been hearing about for years and had resisted. Eventually I thought I’d give it a go, and what do you know?! It actually helps.
9. I am not good at talking to people about stuff – out loud and face-to-face and all that jazz. Not even with my close friends, family or even my psychologist. I will do it. But I’m uncomfortable and to be honest, information needs to be drawn out of me – it will rarely be volunteered. I am an expert at finding out all about you and making you feel listened to and valued. I suck at reversing that role! However, I have started occasionally venturing into little tidbits of shared information – without someone having to force it out of me. I’m still bad at it – but at least I’m making a bit of an effort.
10. Multivitamins. My energy levels have been so low for so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be me! My breakdown and trip to the clinic a year ago left me beyond exhausted, and while I have been slowly and steadily improving in a lot of ways in that time, I still have significant issues with fatigue. I have had a medical checkup and the most likely scenario is poor nutrition – due to bulimia 🙁 So while I do need to work on the eating disorder, in the meantime if I take a multivitamin (plus I’ve added an extra vitamin D supplement), hopefully they will increase my energy levels which could potentially increase mood as well. My fatigue is debilitating at times. Most weekends I can’t get out of bed… I used to be hyperactive and running around like a mad thing all the time. I miss that…

So that’s my list of ten things (part of my slight OCD-ness means lists have to be in multiples of five!) that are recovery positives right now. It doesn’t feel like much to me. It certainly doesn’t feel like it is nearly enough… But it is success (there’s that ugly word again) that I’m experiencing right here and right now.
Onwards and upwards?!
 

GET BACK ON THE BIKE

Oh man. I am Struggling today. Struggling with a capital S and so incredibly tempted to give up. Give up on ever finding any type of recovery. Give up on therapy and just accept binging, purging and restricting as my normal. I am my own worst enemy. I’ve learned all the keys and steps and lifestyle changes. The insanity remains. I know all the buzzwords and metaphors:

• I am the key – others can show me the lock but it’s up to me to open the door
• Recovery is a puzzle – keep collecting the pieces and putting them together
• Instead of flailing around drowning, stand up and walk
• Fall down seven times, stand up eight
• If the building is burning, pick up the phone and call the fire brigade
• I’m the only one who can stop the motion of hand to mouth
• Sit with the feelings
• Emotions can’t kill me
• This too shall pass
• Just for today

It’s all so logical, right? I am despairing today. I have done this for so long and feel so old. And hopeless. And beyond redemption. I do the same things again and again and again and it frustrates me. Disgusts me. I am disappointed in me. And oh so tired.
I challenge my thoughts and beliefs but I don’t believe the changes. Why?! Other people have travelled this path, found it difficult, overcome the obstacles and reached the magical land of recovery. Why can’t I?

Why am I so willing in theory and so unwilling in practice?

My weight is going up. The past two weeks I have not restricted – at all. I have gone from purging 10-15 times a day, to once every two or three days. Progress? It doesn’t feel like it. Instead I just binge and gain weight. And feel depressed and exhausted. I want to restrict today but I’m trying and trying and trying to do the right thing. Restricting feels good. It feels GREAT! I feel in control and powerful and successful. I shouldn’t – but I do. However restricting ALWAYS leads to binging. I’ve heard it and read it and lived it. I believe it.
So instead, today I am making a valiant effort to pick myself up, get back on my bike, and search out that recovery path. Here’s my list of reminders:

BREAKFAST: It is so easy to skip breakfast. When I do, I’m setting myself up to restrict. It’s the one meal of the day where I always make nutritious and sustainable choices. From both a physical and psychological point of view, breakfast is crucial to my recovery.

DISCOMFORT: I need to be ready, willing and able to experience discomfort. When I’m preparing to binge, wanting to binge, ready to binge – I have to find the willingness to be willing to be willing. To feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Sit with emotions. Just put the fucking food down! So simple and so hard all at once. Just put the food down. Stop. Feel uncomfortable. The habits started. They can stop.

HYDRATION: I am so frequently dehydrated. I spend a lot of time eating crap, then binging and purging. Then I restrict. Some days I eat nothing but sugar. My blood sugars are all over the shop. I forget to drink then get dehydrated. Staying well hydrated is important for so many reasons. It should be a simple task.

EXERCISE: This is so important for my mental health. Even when I’m totally sapped of energy, I go to gym because socially it’s great for me and the exercise really helps my mood. I always feel better afterwards. I want to start doing my daily walk again. Just getting out into the fresh air and spending time on my own, in my own head. Trying to be mindful…

MINDFULNESS: I keep talking about this but haven’t been doing it. I used to – but then stopped. I am deeply conscious of the importance of mindfulness and/or meditation and the incredible benefits that are proven again and again. I have a gazillion apps I can use. Just do it woman. Just do it!

READING: I’ve stopped reading. I need to start again. It doesn’t really matter what I read… As long as I do it. I should return to the 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder book. I’ve completed the first four keys but the fifth key included getting rid of my scales and I ran away as fast as I could. The idea of throwing away my scales is utterly terrifying.

WRITING: This is a really important key for me. I started journaling then blogging, and it helps. It really, really helps. It is crucial I make the time to write each day. It is more important than resting, eating, socialising or playing candy crush. Make the time to write. Every, single, day.

VIDEOS: I am a member of a closed support group on Facebook and Rana posts regular recovery videos. She does such an amazing job. I am just in awe of her. Her videos speak to me – she has understanding (as a recovering bulimic) and compassion and knowledge. I will work my way through the entire backlog of videos.

DIETICIAN: Several people suggested I see a dietician and my GP has given me the name of a lady who specialises in eating disorder clients. So far I have resisted, but I’ll make an appointment tomorrow (I’m not procrastinating… It’s a public holiday here 😊 )

PSYCHOLOGIST: I love my psychologist. She’s awesome. I trust her and feel extremely comfortable talking to her. But after nearly two years, I worry she’s sick of me. That she’s frustrated with my unwillingness to change. I worry I’m annoying and she’s run out of options in her bag of tricks. But I also know, if I stop going it is a line in the sand and I have given up entirely when that happens. All hope gone. So I will faithfully trot along to my appointment at the end of the month.

I think that’s enough for now. Today I’m utterly exhausted so will rest. I feel lazy… But I can barely put one foot in front of the other.
From my list of important things to do, so far today I have: had breakfast, been to the gym and done some writing. I have made a decision to keep seeing my psychologist and to make an appointment to see a dietician – for now. When I’ve finished writing this I will watch one of Rana’s videos while drinking a cup of tea to stay hydrated. I hope they are good recovery tools. And I really hope one day I stop feeling insane…

This too shall pass huh?!