21 January

Personal Prompt: What is one thing you wish others knew about you?
Confidence is a facade.
There appears to be a perception that I’m really confident. I’m not. I doubt myself with every thing I do. Every single time. I put myself on the line, into embarrassing, frightening, humiliating experiences every day of my life. I fear humiliation every time I open my mouth. I keep doing it though – because I think it’s the right thing to do. I have an over developed sense of responsibility, of putting myself second (or last), and so my level of discomfort is usually irrelevant. My expected role is to give things a go, to make conversation, to participate in life. So I do it – usually! I don’t feel confident about it. I don’t feel good about it. I just take the risk that I will be – yet again – embarrassed and humiliated by my words and actions. Being humiliated doesn’t get easier. I was routinely humiliated as a child – not deliberately, but it happened anyway. So I’m familiar with it. I hate it. But it’s not new ground.
So folks, I’m not confident. I know how to portray confidence. I don’t know how to feel it.
Creative Prompt: Create a list of creative things you’d like to accomplish this year. This can include books you want to read, crafts you want to do, etc.
I’m sick to death of creative things. And how do you define creative anyway?!
Here’s a list of things I’d like to accomplish this year – regardless of the level of creativity required.
01. Get a job
02. Read regularly – instead of candy crush
03. Walk daily
04. Finish landscaping
05. Write daily
06. Recover
07. Biography Business
08. Sleep well
09. Renovate bathroom
10. Sing

20 January

Personal Prompt: Write an argument between you and someone else, and include how it can end on a constructive, if not positive, note.

No. I don’t want to. I don’t like arguing and I hate conflict. I don’t argue. Ever. This may seem argumentative, but it doesn’t count when there’s only one person. I’m just arguing with myself. I am prepared to disagree with people at times. Occasionally. If I think it appropriate. And those disagreements never get personal. Because that would be inappropriate. So I am sometimes stand up for myself or offer differing viewpoints, but not if I feel it’s going to become a conflict situation. Because I don’t do conflict.

Ever. As I said before.

So – no Mighty Month – I will not write an argument between me and someone else, because I don’t argue. But all conversations and disagreements always end on a positive note. Because that’s respectful, appropriate and not stressful.

Creative Prompt: You are walking down a street and you find a shopping bag full of… Continue the story.
I was walking down the street and I found a shopping bag full of kittens…
Two white ones and two black,
A ginger and a tabby.
Crying for their mother,
And looking rather shabby.
I fed them all some milk,
And brushed their tails up higher.
I put them in a basket,
Where they curled up by the fire.
Called Whiskers, Snow, Augustus,
Blackie, Puss and Mittens.
They joined my little family,
Those gorgeous tiny kittens.
I filled their little tummies,
They played with bouncy balls.
They climbed the leafy branches,
And basked in sunny halls.
They grew all through the autumn,
They grew all through the spring.
They lived with us for seven years,
The lovely little things.
One day a mouse came hunting,
For a little piece of cheese.
But met my six protectors,
Which caused the mouse to freeze.
The kittens started purring,
As they supervised the mouse.
They chased him ’round the kitchen,
And they saved my little house.
Those lovely little fur balls,
That I found out by the road.
Have brought me so much happiness,
My cup just overflows.
Together they will age now,
My faithful little kittens.
Whiskers, Snow, Augustus,
Blackie, Puss and Mittens.

19 January

Personal Prompt: What is the kindest thing you can do for yourself? Make a list of ways you can accomplish this.
Nourish my body – eat healthy food on a regular basis without purging.
No idea…
But I’ll give it a go.
1. Wake up each day and make the decision to eat food.
2. Use water and cups of tea to avoid binging between meals.
3. Eat foods I KNOW that I can keep down – because the out of control often happens after purging
4. Never eat alone
5. Eat fruit and vegetables every day – before other rubbish
Creative Prompt: Design a new restaurant. What kind of food does it serve, where is it located, etc?
No. I don’t want to.
What could I possibly design that doesn’t already exist in one form or another?! Unless I start an insect restaurant or some food that nobody yet eats in the western world. But I’m not going to do that, because I’m not going to eat insects.
I do like the concept of restaurants that somehow support society. There is a lovely Indian restaurant in Perth that we went to. All the food has no price – you pay what you think it’s worth. If you have no money, it’s free. The food is all made by the owner’s wife and his family, and all the funds raised go back to support something in India – I can’t remember what…
I’ve also just discovered a little local cafe that makes lovely food but most of the staff are young people that need support gaining work skills and employment experience. Some of them have disabilities. Some might be long term unemployed. There are also volunteers working there that teach and support the people needing assistance. And the food and drink was lovely so I think I will make an effort to support it regularly.
Plus there’s another little cafe a bit further away that is run by refugees and it serves traditional foods. For just $9 you get a massive plate, filled to the brim, of traditional foods, and again the money raised supports the refugee people. And loads of them work in it etc.
So if I was going to design and run a restaurant, it would be more about how it could serve the community rather than how clever and fancy I could make it in order to make money. Having said that, I would never run a restaurant. Hospitality is not my industry…

18 January

Personal Prompt: Write down 10 things you need to hear today.
01. Here’s a magic cure for your headache
02. Please buy yourself some new shoes
03. Your eating disorder does not define you
04. Your son is going to be okay
05. I’ve refurbished your bathroom and now you have a bath to soak in
06. You got the job!
07. Let me digitally back up all your old recordings for you
08. Here’s a voucher for a good hair cut and colour
09. I love you mum
10. Let’s go hiking
Creative Prompt: Write a short haiku about your day.
Love is essential
Shattered minds and bodies break
Love heals heart and soul

17 January

Personal Prompt: Draw your day. Don’t worry about how it looks, you don’t have to be artist to excel at this challenge.
I’m not drawing my day. I refuse. I hate drawing. I suck at drawing. I don’t want to draw. You can’t make me.
Instead, here is a photo of my day…

And I can tell you all about it – which will be much more interesting than me drawing an incomprehensible stick figure…
I got up early and met a friend and we travelled down to Hartz Peak to do a mountain walk. I’ve done it once before and it’s a glorious walk – so picturesque and peaceful. It’s really gorgeous! And my friend hadn’t done it before so she was keen.
Unfortunately the weather gods hadn’t communicated correctly with the weather forecasters and today’s predicted 26c and sunny until late afternoon did not eventuate where we were. On the contrary, there were howling gale force winds and we were freezing!
A lot of the walk wasn’t stressfully windy, but as we climbed the wind came in and made it rather unpleasant. We ummed and ahhed on numerous occasions about whether or not to continue – but we did. We made it to the peak, took a photo, and powered back down through the winds until we got to the flat, less windy bits.
It is such a shame the weather was crappy, but regardless, I still had a lovely day. Not because I froze my butt off and watched my knees turn purple, but because it was nice to be out with a friend and in the fresh air, and I felt I had to eat properly to do the walk – and keep it down – and I was exercising without any real issue, and I was socialising and I was thinking to myself, I couldn’t have done any of this six months ago so perhaps I am making some progress. And that is very cheering.
It was so lovely to spend the day with a friend. I haven’t done it for quite a while. It is a reminder that life is not about work and stress and health and wealth, but about connections. Having good connections and nurturing them.
Despite the frozen fingers and the headache I will go to bed with, I had a lovely day. And no – I can’t draw my day.
Creative Prompt: Set a timer for 10 minutes and draw the first thing that pops into your head.
As for drawing the first thing that pops into my head – no. That is also not going to happen. But I will entertain you with the first photo I find on my flickr account… Hang on – I’ll be back…
Isn’t he adorable! (left…) That was about 16 years ago… And he is still adorable but perhaps in a different way now.
He has always been passionate about animals and has a very gentle soul, that is usually hidden by bravado these days – but he just loved those guinea pigs. We ended up with so many guinea pigs… When you put the boy guinea pigs in the cage with the girl guinea pigs they do what all creatures do and make baby guinea pigs. And they do that endlessly. Who knew that a guinea pig can conceive within 12 hours of giving birth?! For quite some time, my children were learning a lot about birth and death through watching their guinea pigs. My lovely animal loving son challenged Fireman Sam when he was in Grade Four (not Fireman Sam on television – a real Fireman called Sam who came to talk to the grade four class about fire safety!) When told that in the event of a fire, they needed to get out of the house as quickly as possible, helping any younger children if appropriate, but under no circumstances should they go back for pets. My gorgeous boy put up his hand and said, What makes humans more important than animals? Fireman Sam was a bit perplexed and passed the question on to the class teacher who I think just explained that it was important to get out of the fire as quickly as possible and that they could have a philosophical discussion on the value of human vs animal lives at a later time. I was very proud of my lovely little man on that particular day 🙂 I usually am proud of him!

16 January

Personal Prompt: Set a timer for 10 minutes. What was the most challenging part of your day? If this is a challenge you have routinely, or one that may persist in the future, what can you do to make things easier?
The most challenging part of my day, is the same challenge I have every day – eat? or don’t eat? If I do eat – throw up? or don’t throw up?
Today I chose to eat. I’ve only thrown up a little bit. But the day’s not over, and I’m confident dinner will be flushed down the toilet soon.
As far as making things easier? Good grief, if only I had the answer to that. I’ve been working for two years with a psychologist and a psychiatrist and a wonderful GP and I’ve been to support groups and found good friends and shared my story and read, read, read, and written, written, written and still… I do the same stupid shit every day.
Why do I throw up? I ask myself this ALL THE TIME. But I know the answer… I don’t want food to stay inside me. While it’s in there – digesting and turning into nutrients and fat and waste – I feel uncomfortable and unhappy and like an abject failure. And when I throw up I also feel uncomfortable and unhappy and like an abject failure – but I also feel like a success at the same time. Like I have cleansed myself of the horror of food. And like next time will be different.
I am not so stupid as to think that that any of this is sensible or logical or healthy or in anyway sustainable… I know that my behaviours are probably escalating, not improving. I know what the end result is going to be if I can’t get my act together. And I do hope that recovery features sometime in my future. I really, really do. I’m just also terrified of crossing that bridge. If I could “do” recovery, without having to eat food, I’d have it nailed by now. But obviously that’s impossible. And not gonna happen!
The easiest way for me to avoid throwing up, is not to eat at all. Which is how I started restricting this year – for the first time in my life. And I confess I felt both horrified and thrilled to bits simultaneously at my ability to stop eating altogether. I am trying very hard not to go down that path again though – as I know what the end result will be and it will happen a lot quicker than if I just stick with throwing up. “Just”. Like it isn’t as big a deal… And maybe it isn’t? But it is a big deal… I know if one of my children or good friends was doing this to themselves I would be so upset for them. I would want to help them. But I also know – from my time sitting on this side of the fence – that it is up to me at the end of the day. I have to put food in my mouth. I have to choose what food goes in – and how much. And I have to keep it there.
So to answer the question succinctly, to make things easier, I should eat three nutritious meals per day and not throw them up…
Creative Prompt: Come up with a new episode of your favorite TV show. Make yourself the guest star.
I don’t watch tv. Very tricky for me to start in my own tv show, when I rarely watch it! I am instead, addicted to mucking around on my computer! So I’ll just change the creative prompt and tell you about my third means of numbing the life out of myself…
Firstly, there’s my eating disorder. That’s numbing – whether it’s binging, purging or restricting – it numbs.
Then there’s self-harm – which I feel I’m getting really good at not doing, so that’s a good thing! But it’s also numbing – emotionally.
But my third means of zoning out of life is the computer.

• I write – things like this!
• I chat to friends on messenger and whatsapp – some individual friends and some group chats.
• I email a lot.
• I surf facebook and instagram and pinterest.
• I sometimes do work on the computer.
• And – big confession time here – I do a lot of candy crush most days.

I’m up to level 1861 – not proud of that… And I managed to overtake every single one of my friends who were playing it.
But being slightly on the OCD scale (not officially… but I reckon I’d be there a little bit) now that I’ve started, I have to finish… And while I can’t yet see what the highest level actually is, I feel compelled to get there. I don’t even really enjoy playing it. But I have to get to “the end”.
Ridiculous… I really am insane…