WHERE TO NOW?

Lost my mojo. I’m playing Candy Crush all the time. This is a bad sign. It means I’m numbing myself in a slightly less destructive manner than my other numbing habits.

I actually feel fine – not down and dreary or any of those sad things. I’m just trying to figure out, what next? I’ve come a long way from the major periods of depression and anxiety. I’ve done a lot of work on my eating disorder. I definitely know I’m sick to death of focusing on all these things. But what do I focus on now?

The trouble with falling down a big pit is once you get back out, the rest of the world moved on and you’re still thinking about the pit. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy to be out of that dark place! But I’ve forgotten how to live in the light.

The future I focus on all the time is full of tragedy. I visualise awful things happening – not because I want them to come true, but because I’m afraid they will. Death and destruction feature a lot in my dreams.

My next goals need to be less dramatic and more cheery. I’m perfectly content to dream of absurd things – winning the lottery, singing in a nightclub, reigniting my libido. But in reality, I have no big dreams any more. If I just make stuff up, I know it’s bullshit and start remembering how upset I’m going to be when my husband drops dead.

My psychologist mentioned I need to associate emotions with the future I picture – emotional associations are extremely important. So when I previously wrote about how freedom from food obsession would look, it didn’t help as I didn’t feel it. The emotional connection is crucial – which makes sense.

Here are a few things I imagine materialising in my little world one day, and some thoughts on how they may impact me emotionally.

Travel

I wanted to travel since I was knee-high to a grasshopper – to experience all the cultural differences humanity has to offer. I’ve dreamed of sailing the seven seas, climbing every mountain, big road trips, excitement in the city, romance in the country.
I still yearn for wonderment touching the ancient boulders of Stonehenge, knowing mankind marvelled and worshipped the monoliths for more than 5000 years. Divinity taste-testing every flavour of gelato master Italian dessert chefs have perfected over the centuries. Serenity while looking out over the stunning blue waters of the Caribbean Sea. Peace when listening to the sound of silence flowing from an ancient Mayan ruin as dawn breaks on a new day. And energised by the delicate scent of fields of wildflowers, wet with dew on an early spring morning.

They say travel broadens the mind – I hope it will one day heal my heart.

Relationships

Not especially new – we all have relationships, be they good or bad. But I’m also conscious that meaningful, healthy, long term connections in life, can make or break a person. Nurturing family and friends, colleagues and acquaintances, is fundamentally key to a purposeful life. I’ve been married a long time – 25 years in December. I’ve known my husband for more than half my years. Long term relationships are so easily taken for granted. Once upon a time, we were oozing love and lust. I couldn’t spend enough hours in the day with him, and I desperately missed our moments apart. Decades of familiarity take the shine off a once polished romance. Wouldn’t it be lovely if just a shadow of that excitement returned? I yearn for a little freshness and passion. To welcome more time together, not desperately wish for time on my own each day. And as for becoming an empty nester? It’s filling me with loss and loneliness, which I hope to one day replace with the glorious glow of new love as I listen to the giggles of grandchildren in my living room. And that amazing sense of pride that fills the heart when your own little people grow big and successfully stride out into the world. Love and pride and passion and congeniality. All the things my relationships can gift to me.

Everyday life

What do I do every day?! I have no idea… I go to work and chat on the phone and play on the computer and potter around doing shit and it seems important. I’m sure it’s terribly important. They seem to like and appreciate me at work. Will I still be happy doing the exact same thing a decade from now? No idea. Possibly. I love the sense of being a contributing member of a small organisation. In some small way, I’m helping children’s education and supporting their creative outlets, providing structure and organisational enhancements to my boss and his wife. I hope I make a difference. And I really hope I continue to do so – whether it be through the same company or another. I want to feel useful and I believe I’m more than competent. I hope one day to feel a sense of pride, accomplishment and achievement, in my chosen paid work. Or unpaid work if I indeed go back to volunteering in the future. Everyday life is the crux of it – yes? It’s easy to feel terrific on a ten-day cruise around the south pacific, but I believe real contentment in life comes from being comfortable with the mundane and familiar. Can I do that? I have a cat – and I adore him. So yes – I do believe that some time in the sunshine, and some more furball cuddles, and spending more time focusing on the fullness of a life lived well, rather than expectantly awaiting the deafening crash of yet another hammer fall, will lead me a life I want to live.

Oh – and writing. I want to write. And here I am 🙂

ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS

As I search for meaning and purpose, I find myself going back over the writing course I recently completed. There were eight modules and each module included a couple of writing prompts. Perhaps with some exploration, I can shed a little light on the eternal question – who am I?

The three soul questions: Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you here?

Well this one is easy – I answered it before 🙂

When last did you tell your story? (Native American question when someone is ill)

I constantly tell my story. You’re probably sick to death of hearing all about me. Prior to starting this blog I talked about myself in the most superficial way – which is not my story at all. Since commencing writing, I have dipped into the over-sharing waters – there’s not much about me you can’t read about here. I’m endeavouring to be a hundred per cent open and honest as that seems the most authentic way of being true to myself. So – if I were to drop dead tomorrow, there’s not much that hasn’t been told now.

What do you want to say no to?

Superficially – political documentaries, committee meetings and olives (blergh!)
On a more in-depth level, I want to say no to overthinking, retail therapy and giving up on myself.

What do you want to say yes to?

Superficially – a weekend away, gin & tonic, and retail therapy 😀
Sensible Simone wants to say yes to nurturing relationships I’m blessed with, accepting myself here & now, and learning to nourish body & soul.

How have you changed?

Physically: I got bigger. And smaller. I got saggier, older and wrinklier. I did all the things that happen as you age. And all the things you’d expect in a life filled with excessive weight gain and loss.

Intellectually: I find I know less and less as I get older. I’ve done a lot of study and learned a lot of shit. But now my learning looks far more inward. I still have a lot more to learn.

Emotionally: I used to think I was absolutely fine – an easy going, optimistic kinda gal. It turns out I was kidding myself. I actually had tons of emotions I’d reached expert level at ignoring, burying and numbing. Being forced to face this reality has brought about an enormous change – not necessarily all positive. If I ever get to the magic land of “recovered”, I hope to think it was all worth it.
Spiritually: I was raised an atheist. I converted to agnosticism in my early 20s. I’ve been searching for higher powers and angels and gods and meaning ever since. I’m just not born (or bred) to understand organised religion. But I really feel a need to connect with something spiritual and I am exploring this at the moment. I am certainly a lot less black and white in this area than I was as a young person.

What are the five defining moments of your life? How did each one take you to the next step of your journey?

Another one previously answered 🙂

What do you want to cultivate?

A sense of purpose. Having a future that counts, so in some small way I can have an impact (a positive impact) on someone else. With the loss of my identity over the past few years, I have struggled with this. A lot! But to cultivate a sense of purpose and to believe there is contentment and joy in my future would be incredible. I see writing becoming an integral part of the new me.

What do you need to devote yourself to?

I refuse to give up on recovery. While I currently want to give up – believing it’s beyond hope and it’ll never happen – I’m not a quitter. So I’m still here. And I’ll keep devoting time and energy and tears and tantrums until something clicks and I make a change.

What has brought you to your knees?

Depression. The culmination of decades of silence and suppressing emotions, an overwhelming fear for my children, and a loss of hope and identity.

What is your deepest wound?

Given how poorly I seem to have managed the consequences of my emotionally deficient childhood, I would suggest the inadvertent damage done by the significant womenfolk in my family, is the deepest wound I hold.

How do you want to feel?

Happy – ridiculously simple and absurdly impossible. I don’t remember being happy – it’s been so long. Which sounds ridiculously melodramatic. But really – what is happiness? I know joy and laughter – and anybody who says they feel joyous all the time needs to visit the nearest psychiatrist for a mental health check – it just isn’t natural.
Happiness is a much softer concept. It includes moments of joy, but I think of happiness as contentment. A sense of peace with the here and now, having acceptance of what is, working towards what needs to be. Of course an absence of external stresses contributes to happiness as well – it’s hard to feel peace and harmony if you’re knee deep in monetary, health or relationship woes.
I remember feeling very happy and content when my children were young and I was performing a lot. I was earth mother, I was musician, I was caring for my family, friends and colleagues. Life was good. I want that feeling back.

What are the themes of your life?

Music is the most overarching theme in my life. (Is music a theme? It is now – I said so.) My father was a professional flautist so I listened to him performing and teaching before I ever drew breath. I don’t remember not being able to play the flute. I spent 42 years playing and 36 years teaching. I loved it! And I’ve left it. I hope to sing again some day – there is something soul stoppingly beautiful about singing. It borders on the indescribable. Although I did try to describe it once…

Motherhood comes a very close second. And the only reason it is second, is because I was a musician for longer. Given I was eight years old when I started playing the flute, I think we can all be thankful for that. Long before I dreamed of marriage, princes, husbands and forever-afters, I wanted to be a mother. I would have kids no matter what. I wanted half a dozen, but my body isn’t cut out for pregnancy, and my husband isn’t cut out for hordes of kids. So we settled on three. I adore them all. I fell in love the first time that little bundle was passed into my arms and I’ve never regretted a single moment. Some moments I wouldn’t repeat (catching vomit, poo-painted cots, toddler tantrums in the supermarket), but if there is one thing I was destined for, it was motherhood.

The only other recurrent theme is caring. I have always been a carer. I have no idea if I was natured or nurtured into it. Does it matter? It simply is. I have always looked after people – sometimes I get it wrong, but most of the time I do okay. Teaching was predominantly one-on-one, which is one way of caring for people. I’ve mothered and nurtured most people to the best of my ability. I love listening and really hearing what people say, and listening extra hard to hear what they don’t say. I cared for my mother, sister and grandmother as they died. It could be burdensome but was always an honour. This all seems a little altruistic but it’s not. Caring is a gift – to me. I receive so much by sharing someone’s darkest, most intimate moments.

What do you need to trust?

The network of good relationships I cultivated – family, friends, professionals – who all believe in me and cheer me on to bigger and better things.

Write your biography in six words.

Born to sing. Bred to sigh.
Alternatively…
Simone has a lot of words.

REBIRTH

I fell off the radar because, to be honest, I’m struggling to visit here as I’m not sure it’s doing me a great favour. When I think about my blog – and most of what I write in it – I think about mental health issues and food obsessions.

Writing has been very cathartic and helpful in identifying underlying thoughts and emotions I can’t otherwise recognise. But writing about my issues all the time keeps me firmly focused on my issues all the time. I have been vaguely cognizant of this for a while, but after seeing my psychologist I need to do something about it.

In fact, since my appointment, I’ve had a lot of thoughts running through my head.

I emailed her some posts about relapse and asked if she was sick to death of going round and round the same old stuff with me. I was sent this beautiful message,

My role is to support you, hear you, and give you guidance when you need it. You are worthy of my time and I would love to see you this week if you would like to attend.

So I went along and we chatted and discussed progress and where I’m at compared to 15 months ago. It was very reassuring. As we finished, I was given an out. She gave me the option not to return – it’s never been compulsory but there was an easy out. It was all up to me. My psychologist is fantastic and I have never known anybody so patient, understanding, knowledgeable, and prepared to change tack if things don’t work.

We both know if I stop going, I’ll stop trying to recover. I’ll just get worse – which is what happens if you ignore a problem.

I considered her question for a while and decided I’m not a quitter. I also don’t like wasting time and money so if I keep having therapy, I have to keep plugging away and trying to recover. I won’t be dishonest, nod politely, then go home and deliberately ignore her. What’s the point?

So I made a commitment to keep turning up and keep trying.

I titled this post “rebirth” for a reason. It is clear having an eating disorder is a really strong part of my identity and letting it go is a big obstacle.

I’ve been wondering, what IS identity. What does that mean? It used to be obvious – I was a mother and musician. I identified very strongly with both, and I loved them. I was proud to say, I’m a mum and a musician. Now? Well obviously I’m still a mother – once you’ve birthed a baby you’re a mother, no matter what happens. But mothering a 23-year-old man as he traipses through Europe on a gap year, is quite different to mothering a three-year-old learning to potty train, ride a bike, and read a book. And that’s okay – I was raising adults, not children. Now I have three lovely young adults in my life.

Musician? Well, I could have been a musician forever but elected to leave it behind. The reasons are many and varied and walking away brought strong, mixed emotions. I was totally ready. I desperately miss it. I’d never go back. Absolutely the correct decision.

Now? Now I have no identity – not one I strongly identify with. I’m an office manager, gym enthusiast, writer, wife, friend, sister, daughter – but none of these are strong identities

Do you have a strong identity? If someone asks what you do, what do you say

I used to say, I’m a musician! Now… I have no idea. I love my job and I’m a great office manager. But it’s not an identity – it’s an awesome job with great hours and great people – but not my identity. Wife, friend, sister, daughter are a list of relationships. Gym enthusiast and writer? Hobbies.

Bulimic? I hate the word – it sticks in my throat – but I identify with it. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, but women often stay with – or return to – an abusive partner. It’s familiar. There are incredibly strong emotional ties. The abuser twists realities and makes promises those outside the relationship recognise as lies. But the woman at the heart of the storm? She’s played like a puppet on a string.

I feel my identity with an eating disorder is like that abusive relationship. From the outside looking in, it seems idiotic. To be so self-destructive when there are many better, healthier options is just plain unfathomable. But what will replace it? That battered, abused, socially isolated woman will be homeless and bereft if she leaves her abuser. She has nowhere to go and relies on the kindness of complete strangers and government or community services. The courage, strength and resilience required to walk away are phenomenal.

I don’t mean to diminish others’ experience of abuse by comparing an eating disorder to a violent partner. They are not the same thing. But to an outsider, clinging to destructive situations must look ridiculous. It’s not.

I know I’ll walk away from my eating disorder. Will it be today or tomorrow or next year? Next decade? I have no idea. I need to be reborn. Start again. Find the new Simone – not with hobbies and relationships, but with purpose and meaning.

My psychologist this week talked about the importance of not just picturing my future, but feeling it. Emotions are powerful and whoever I am going to be, will experience emotions. My picture of freedom needs to visit that – to ground freedom with feelings. This concept is parallel to the writing course I’ve just completed. All good writing returns to emotional connections – if you can’t connect with the reader emotionally, you’ve lost them. I have written about pictured futures before – how freedom from food obsession might look in my life. But I haven’t written how it would feel. Perhaps that’s the next step in my rebirthing process. Finding a future with three-dimensional freedoms.

ILLUSIONS & ILLUMINATIONS

And very glad to hear she’s doing better.  I listened to Russell Brand’s response and as always, was really touched by how much wisdom and empathy he demonstrates for mental health issues. One comment in particular was very illuminating,

Really what Sinéad O’Connor, like anyone suffering with mental health issues needs, is connection, meaning, purpose, love, and a bit of time

How true is that? If the whole world felt connected and loved, if we all had meaning and purpose in our lives, it would be a very different world. I’m sure mental health issues would still exist, but at a lesser rate, and treated with compassion and empathy rather than fear and disdain.

I give the illusion I’m doing really well. I have moved past the worst of depression and anxiety, and I function – for the most part – really well every day. In the big scheme of mental health issues, I’m doing okay – although I may not be the best person to judge such a thing.

I’m  fortunate I have connections and love in my life – I am very blessed in this department. As a child, love was conditional and I felt emotionally disconnected, which had a big impact on me. But I am no longer a child, and now have strong, loving relationships and connections. I cannot imagine where I would be without those connections. In fact, I cannot imagine I would be here without them.

I’ve found in middle-age, meaning and purpose have become problematic. Children grow and leave home, the flush of youth is long gone, career changes, relationship and financial turmoil. Grief, stress, worry. Dreams die. Doors close. Many of us never learned the fine art of managing stress in a healthy manner. It is the collision of an excessive number of stresses in a very short period of time, with a complete lack of emotional regulation tools, that personally brought me undone. While I’ve always had disordered eating and body image issues, I was 46 years old when it blew up and escalated into the major issue I have today.

And now? I’ve nailed connections and love – I’m confident about this. But I’ve got no idea about the meaning and purpose of my life any more. Well that’s not entirely true… I had no idea, but now I’m exploring ideas and hoping something will become clear and inspiring and make sense.

I’m not good with the unknown – I want someone to say, Your future holds this and this and you’re gonna love it! Patience is not my virtue. Like everybody else, I’m going to have to figure out what hopes and dreams I can find for the future, and work out how to achieve them. The tricky part, is finding the desire to look.

I spend a little time most days pondering mental health stuff – how I got here, how I’ll get out of it, am I making all this shit up. I found Russell Brand’s succinct summary really illuminating – it demonstrates how lucky I am with the supports I have. I wish I could easily change the bad habits I’ve accrued and just move on. I wish it were as simple as knowing what to do. In the meantime, I’ll keep up the illusion of improvement. Because the illusion is not for your benefit – it’s for me. The more I tell myself I’m recovering, I’m getting better, it’s all going to be okay, the more I start to believe it.

I’VE SAILED THE SEVEN Cs

I’ve spent eight weeks safely nestled in a cocoon of Cs – Conviction, Curiosity, Conscientiousness, Courage, Connection & Commitment. And now I add a seventh – Completion.

I have completed the Author Awakening Adventure and I’m feeling awakened. Which is a tad ironic as today I didn’t wake until noon. When I commenced the course I was cautiously optimistic I might deepen my understanding of the passive voice and discover if I’m cut out to write a book. I was very mistaken. While we did indeed discuss the passive voice, and I AM cut out to write a book, at the heart of this adventure was a continuation of my path to recovery.

Conviction

I’m writing this book because… I need to. I want to. I have to. I must. I’m writing it for me. I’m writing to explore how, why, when, what, and who has influenced every aspect of my eating disorder and recovery. Ultimately at the end of the day I write because I see this as the next major leg of recovery. Moving from focusing on the food and focusing on the past, to focusing on the mind and focusing on the future. I’m writing this book because people asked me to, in the hope my story could offer insight, perspective and understanding to those who are impacted by eating disorders in any capacity. I have no idea if I would ever publish or not. I reserve the right to never publish if it doesn’t feel right. I reserve the right to go for it if it feels right.

Curiosity

What if… I had a do over? What if I could start my life again? With my mother, sister and grandmother back, but this time cleansed of their mortal flaws. Strong, powerful, resilient women who raised each other up rather than tore each other down. What if that were possible? And I grew with the knowledge that my place in the world was about music and teaching and laughing and loving. Of a world where I could be my best self and grow into my strengths while nourishing my spirit. What if I grew feeling unconditional love and support? What if?

Conscientiousness

What do you want to cultivate in your life? A sense of purpose. Of having a future that counts, so in some small way I can have an impact (a positive impact) on someone else. With the loss of my identity over the past few years, I have struggled with this. A lot! But to cultivate a sense of purpose and to believe there is contentment and joy in my future would be incredible. I see writing becoming an integral part of the new me.

Courage

What has brought you to your knees? Depression. The culmination of decades of silence and suppressing emotions, an overwhelming fear for my children, and a loss of hope and identity.

Connection

When do you feel like you most belong? With close friends – especially one-on-one. When I’m away on a girls’ weekend and we have wine and chats and share our lives and somebody else is in charge of food decisions. Where fears and worries and successes and dreams are validated. Where I feel valued and treasured and accepted. When I can TRUST!

Commitment

What does ‘digging deep’ mean to you? Hitting the bumps in the road then searching for the means of continuing on – be it tools, knowledge, energy, support or belief. I think digging deep is believing something is too difficult, and possibly not worth it, but keeping going anyway. Making the tough decisions. And sometimes digging deep is searching your heart and soul and deciding enough is enough – time to let go.

So there we have it. Now I have completed the course and sailed my seven Cs. I don’t know what I will do with this newfound knowledge and awareness into the future – but then none of us know what the future holds. I do know however, I feel more empowered and hopeful. And I am prepared to say out loud – I am a writer.

UNDER THE INFLUENCE

I’m floppy.

I woke with a sore neck and throbbing head at 4am, gave in and took drugs at 1:30pm. Now I have no pain but should avoid driving motor vehicles and operating heavy machinery. I hope writing is not considered heavy machinery.

I like to think that while under the influence, my creative juices flow. But perhaps when I wake in the morning, I will realise the only thing flowing, is my dignity – straight down the drain.

It is curious how this state of unnatural relaxation leaves me feeling perfectly comfortable eating like a “normal” person. Well – once the nausea abated and I woke from my drug-induced nap.

For the past ten days I’ve had a burning, yearning desire to stop eating. To eat so sparingly and spasmodically, weight would drop from me like a stone in a pond. As the rush of pain relief hit my veins, I found a tasty side dish of emotional relief accompanying the physical freedom.

Curious huh? Perhaps a daily dose of codeine can release me from the self-imposed prison of eating obsession, and send me to self-imposed constipation incarceration instead.

Today I ate a bowl of porridge for breakfast. Slowly and carefully. Stone cold. Lunch was a carrot – dipped in mustard – washed down with pain killers. Dinner a small bowl of nachos neither rushed nor resisted.

I feel the eating disorder thoughts distancing themselves from me, and I want to reach out, grab them, and press them close to my bosom. They are my friends. Mean girl friends, but friends nonetheless.

Today I also had a sense of life in The Future. I signed up for a twelve month writing course, with the goal of having a first draft of a whole book in my hot little hands by November 2018. A book. You know?! One of those paper things filled with lots and lots of words. I have lots and lots of words so I’m hoping to fill enough pieces of paper with interesting tidbits to call it A Book.

I also talked to my employers about taking time off for a trip to Europe at the end of 2018 and they were fine with it. Not just four weeks, but the full twelve weeks I’d originally hoped to do. The trip of a lifetime is the mental image I have – traipsing through Parisienne backstreets, meandering across Scottish Moors, cruising around the Greek Isles. A simple little tick of approval from the boss, enough to bring a long held dream to the forefront of possible realistic futures.

Realistic futures make me happy, give me a sense of purpose, and allow me to focus on not-food-or-fat thoughts. Just imagine dear friends, if this time next year I’m finalising a first dodgy draft of a real life book, while tying together the last loose ends of travel plans for a European adventure.

Just imagine! While under the influence of pain-free euphoria, anything is possible. Even freedom from Eating Disorder.