THE HOUSEHOLD GUIDE TO NOT BEING A JUDGMENTAL TWAT

Mental illness is illness. It’s not a choice. Not a decision or a lifestyle. It’s an illness.

Like most illnesses, there are a variety of severities and types. Some people might have a depressive period for a short time – just like someone might have a bout of glandular fever for a short time. It doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t define the individual, but it sure as hell sucks while you’re going through it. Someone else might have a psychotic episode then discover they have bipolar I disorder. Just as someone else might have a seizure and discover they’re epileptic. It’s going to impact them for the rest of their lives. It’s going to require medication and lifestyle adaptations. It’s not much fun, but it doesn’t define them and they can learn to accept it and live with it.

The difference between psychological and physical illnesses however, is that people are misunderstood and judged for psychological afflictions. This does not happen with physical maladies. There are many who would like to remedy this inequality – myself included. To that end, I have put together a little list of do’s and don’ts for your reading pleasure.

DO comment on my emotional “appearance”. If I look a bit down, ask me about it. If I look really happy after having a rough trot, ask me about it. If I don’t want to share, I’ll tell you

DON’T comment on my physical appearance. It’s none of your business. Even if you think it is. Don’t compliment my weight loss. Don’t say anything. It’s not okay!

DO listen. Properly. Really listen. Ears open – mouth shut. Then ask open-ended questions like How does that make you feel? What happened then? Keep listening. It will be your turn soon.

DON’T react to my problems by talking about yourself. If I said I’m bulimic, it’s not helpful to hear stories of other bulimics you met, or tell me about the time you ate so many tim tams you were sick.

DO remember I am not my disease. It’s just a small bit of me. Maybe my mental illness is temporary. Maybe it’s permanent. Regardless, I am still a mother, wife, daughter, friend, colleague. I still have loves and losses, history and dreams. I’m still good at things and I still suck at things. I know stuff but I have more to learn. I am not my disease.

DON’T stop telling me about yourself. Yes I have issues. Yes I need to talk. But I also want to hear about you. Because I care. I don’t want to talk about me all the time. Maybe we could not talk about problems at all – just for an hour or two one day. Life can be sad – but it doesn’t have to be every minute of every day.

DO respect I am not stupid. I know more about my issues and stumbling blocks than you can ever possibly know. I have researched and sweated on this for decades. We are all experts on our own issues.

DON’T tell me the answer is simple – Just eat slower! Just make a plan! Just don’t eat sugar! If I could do these things, I wouldn’t be in this mess. I developed really poor coping mechanisms. It’s both a choice and not a choice. Yes it’s confusing – I’m confused too.

DO accept my illness is real. I was diagnosed by medical professionals. I’m pretty sure they know what they’re talking about. I need you to support me in this journey – not dismiss it.

DON’T tell me about simple fixes. It won’t be gone by morning. Watching a comedy and eating ice cream won’t cure me. I don’t need a few vitamins, a healthy diet and more fresh air.

DO tell me I’m doing great and the best I can. That you’ll be there for me and I’m not defined by my illness. Remind me I’m not a burden and that you care. And remind me this could happen to anybody – it’s just an unfortunate set of circumstances.

DON’T tell me it couldn’t happen to you because you’re too strong or you’re just a positive thinker. Don’t tell me you know how I feel – you have no idea.

I have been so incredibly supported by so many beautiful people. Angels – every single one of them. But every now and then I get an ignorant, thoughtless, unintentional judgment. It’s not helpful. It makes me withdraw. When I’m tired all the time, I don’t have the energy to let thoughtless comments brush over me. We all need to practice empathy – it’s a beautiful gift. There is no greater friend than the one who supports me in my darkest hours.

My Mighty Month: March Week Three (part 2)

The Mighty are running monthly self-confidence challenges all year. I religiously did the daily writing in January. Was too exhausted to do whatever the February challenge was! But I’m going to drop in late and start the March Challenge. The week three task is:

Continue to focus on accomplishing the task list you made during week two. Your list should include easy-to-accomplish items that show a mastery of your skills. When you cross an item off your list, take a selfie or a photo of your accomplishment, and post it somewhere (it could be social media or on a wall in your house) to remind yourself of your accomplishments.

So yesterday (day before?!) I said I’d take photos to represent my five strengths. Here’s a rough, vague, kinda sorta representation of what are (apparently) my five strengths.
1. Kindness and generosity: I need to send a little my own way….

I bought myself a new dress and cardigan. It had an extra 20% off the reduced price so really I could say I’ve saved money 😀
2. Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness: I can’t acknowledge my feelings. I try – but I don’t feel them. I can’t identify them.

So when making a cup of tea this afternoon, instead of playing on my phone while waiting for the kettle to boil, I just stood there. Doing nothing. Thinking. Something I normally avoid like the plague. I noticed how incredibly fast my heart was pounding (105bpm – about twice my normal resting heart rate). I was anxious. No idea why. But I felt this was a good genuine moment for me. I tried anyway!
3. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness: The things I am most resistant to, are no doubt the things I really need to embrace.

It may seem a very small thing… But I was incredibly resistant to taking multivitamins. My nutrition intake is poor, but I felt I should be able to recover first. As it turns out, my eating disorder is struggling, so I’ve succumbed and started taking them. I  just realised the past three days are the first time in well over a year  I haven’t experienced overwhelming fatigue.
4. Leadership:  I need to accept the leadership of those who understand this disease and recovery process so much better than me.

I have joined this facebook group and found hope and community and someone who has recovered and is so inspirational. I am seriously considering doing her next private group course. It’s a lot of money – but my health is an investment. I just have to be sure I’m ready to do what needs to be done before I invest.
5. Modesty and humility: Quit whinging. Quit looking at why and how. Follow the lead of those who know.

I haven’t done this yet. But much like number four, I accept I need to start doing what the support people around me keep telling me to do. Trust. And let them lead the way.

My Mighty Month: March Week Three

The Mighty are running monthly self-confidence challenges all year. I religiously did the daily writing in January. Was too exhausted to do whatever the February challenge was! But I’m going to drop in late and start the March Challenge. The week three task is:

Continue to focus on accomplishing the task list you made during week two. Your list should include easy-to-accomplish items that show a mastery of your skills. When you cross an item off your list, take a selfie or a photo of your accomplishment, and post it somewhere (it could be social media or on a wall in your house) to remind yourself of your accomplishments.

Before I respond to this task, I need to acknowledge how wobbly I am at the moment. I feel I’ve made big strides in moving on from the major depression and anxiety and self-harm. They’re really not problematic any more. The eating disorder of course, is still there and much the same as it was before everything else went pear-shaped.
This week in particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about recovery – can I do it, will I do it, why would now be different to all the other times I didn’t succeed? What is the big stumbling block? I get what I need to do. I want recovery – a lot! I want to be normal and healthy and free. But there’s some little part of me that is never willing to make the crucial changes at the last minute.
Should I give up? I feel like giving up. I am starting to picture what “giving up” looks like – endless binges, endless purging, intermittent restricting. Yo-yo weight, unhealthy hair, eternal exhaustion. Dodgy throat, heart palpitations, digestive issues. And the endless, loathsome self-hatred. Never, ever, ever feeling okay in my own body. The only body I will ever be blessed with and I hate it and fear it. So yes – I DO want to recover. But no – I DON’T make the changes. I don’t know why. I really don’t… Fear, fear, fear…
So… I am (for now) still determined to keep on keeping on. To keep searching out more options. To go over the old skills and keep reading and writing and reaching out. To keep learning and keep trying to believe. So here we go – week three of the challenge – slightly modified to keep me working toward recovery. I’ll come up with ideas today and take the photos tomorrow 🙂
1. Kindness and generosity: I can be kind and generous with others. It is very important – the world needs kindness to spread like a tub of butter in the hot sun. But I need to send a little my own way.
2. Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness: So important for recovery. I do try and be as honest as possible. I acknowledge and share my disease with anyone as required. What I can’t acknowledge however, is my feelings. I try – but I don’t feel them. I can’t identify them. I just run away and hide somewhere else.
3. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness: I’m very good at making critical judgments of myself. A little open-mindedness would be very handy right now. The things I am most resistant to, are no doubt the things I really need to embrace.
4. Leadership: I’ll turn this one on it’s head in this context. I need to accept the leadership of those who understand this disease and recovery process so much better than me. Trust in them. Have faith. Let them lead the way. Stop trying to control the situation.
5. Modesty and humility: Become humble enough to accept my lack of willingness to make the changes. Just understanding recovery intellectually is not enough. Just reading and writing is not enough. Quit whinging. Quit looking at why and how. Follow the lead of those who know.
There – that’s my modified version 🙂 I will post a little photo collage tomorrow!

A GUIDING LIGHT

The quirky and delightful Mindfump has requested stories about supportive and inspirational individuals in the world of mental health recovery. I have been blessed with a few such individuals – but there is one gorgeous soul who immediately comes to mind.

I’d fallen down a dark and dirty hole and it was awfully jolly lonely there. I wasn’t sure I could ever find my way back… Having never expected to develop major mental health issues, I didn’t have the required skills, coping mechanisms, or support networks to move forward. All those things were there for me to reach out and access. I had no idea how.

I have a group of fabulous friends, but can’t bear to be a burden. I would rather blow a million ridiculous scenarios completely out of proportion in my head than darken a friend’s day with my weird worries. A burden shared can be a burden on both parties. A burden I couldn’t bear to bear.

One of my beautiful friends however, not only provided a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, but her own shoulders are strong enough to bear my burdens without distress. She can empathise –  genuinely listen and hear – without turning my problems into her own. She has perspective and understanding and life experience. When she hears problems, she listens, reflects and offers thoughts without judgment. She’ll hold your hand, offer a hug, or ask if you’d like a prayer said. She can look you in the eye and know something is not okay – with no word spoken. She’ll ask you to stay – just a little longer – to hear what’s going on. She can listen to suicidal thoughts and make no judgment, then say, “I would be sad if you died.”

I would be sad if you died.

There aren’t many people it is possible to talk suicidal thoughts with. Practically nobody really. Having one such soul is an absolute gift. I can trust her. I trust everything she says is her truth. I believe that if I died, she would be sad.

When someone is suicidal, those kind of statements keep a last little link to the land of the living. Someone would be sad if I wasn’t here any more. Those six little words kept me grounded an extra day. Every day counts.

She also had faith in me. She believed in me – and my capacity for recovery – long before I could even contemplate such positivity. When I couldn’t care for myself, she cared. When I couldn’t believe in myself, she believed. She saw me in my darkest, ugliest moments – starving, depressed, self-harming and suicidal. Sick, crying, unkempt, anxious and panicked. Never an ounce of judgment ever crossed her face.

We may not have been friends a long time, but her kindness in my darkest moments was a guiding light. If I fall, she will offer a helping hand. If I’m standing upright, she will be my friend – sharing her own wins and worries – loves and losses. She knows when to focus solely on my issues. She knows when we can just be friends. She knows. She is my friend. And I will always be so incredibly grateful for the calm hand that guided the faint glow as I slowly, but surely, started crawling out of that dark hole.

TOOLS VS RULES

I have a habit of setting arbitrary rules for myself. It comes from a place of good intent – I decide  I need to do something (lose weight, get healthier, recover, get fitter, save money, exercise more – any old resolution really!) then I make up rules  I think will achieve this goal. In fact – the rules WILL achieve the goal! If only I could stick to them.
There are a number of reasons I don’t stick to rules:

1. I’m older now. I’ve done it a million times before. The rigidity of youth has faded (along with elastin…)
2. My thought processes are inflexible – if I stretch the rule or skip it a bit, I’ve failed and give up.
3. I am naturally rebellious. Given a set of rules, I will push to see where the boundaries are.
4. Arbitrary rules were imposed upon me as a child and imposing them on myself makes me instantly want to rebel.
5. Rules make me feel out of control. Which seems ironic – given that I’m in control of the rule… But feelings are feelings and need to be acknowledged.

My new rule is, no rules. Instead, I need tools.

Perhaps this is semantics? I don’t know… But in order for me to be successful in the long term, I need flexibility. I also need belief in the project, belief in myself, and external support. As the conversation in my head (and on my blog) is between two crazy people, I never quite know what is a sensible approach, and what is disordered thinking.
Anyway – that was all a very long-winded way of saying, I have heard about, read about, and been told about, a gazillion different ideas for the tools of recovery. I require organisation in order to make sense of something, so I’m going to list the tools I believe are workable and valuable to me. Then I’m going to try and use them. With flexibility…

1. Journaling: I was resistant to this at first, but once I started I realised how powerful it is. My blog is now my place to journal, so I feel I’m already working one recovery tool. I like to start off feeling vaguely successful!
2. Mindfulness: I am not so much resistant to this, as inconsistent. When first suggested, I did it daily for months. I’m sure it helped… That was a year ago. I need to be in a habit of daily mindfulness and/or meditation.
3. Pros & Cons: I saw this on a Facebook video the other day and thought it a great idea. Prior to engaging in [insert maladaptive coping mechanism] write down the pros/cons of engaging/not-engaging in the behaviour.
4. Affirmations: I need quick little phrases that I can chant in my head at relevant times. ie Surf the Urge, This Too Shall Pass, The Answer is in Recovery etc.
5. Food Plan: I really hesitate to put this in my list of tools. But seriously – at the end of the day, recovery for me is about food. It’s food I’ve stuffed up and it’s food I need to fix. So unless I have some kind of plan for food, then everything else is airy, fairy fluff. The plan will be generic and flexible though. And probably something to build to, rather than major changes right away. To be honest, I’ve started making strides in this area anyway.

My Mighty Month: March Week Two

The Mighty are running monthly self-confidence challenges all year. I religiously did the daily writing in January. Was too exhausted to do whatever the February challenge was! But I’m going to drop in late and start the March Challenge. The week two task is:

Now that you have your top strengths and examples, make a list of at least one activity you can do to bolster each strength. For the rest of the month, try to accomplish these activities.

[I don’t even know what kind of things they’re referring to?! Bolster my strengths? How do I bolster personality traits? I’ll have a think and make something up…]
1. Kindness and generosity: Oh – I just remembered I forgot to visit grandma today! So I have reneged on some kindness and generosity. I will make sure I visit her on the weekend. I will also make some time to organise activities for my niece and nephew when they come to visit in a few weeks. And I’m going to do lots of planning and preparation for this weekend’s family dinner, which will feature a birthday cake for my 84 year old dad 🙂
2. Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness: I want to focus on doing some recovery work – and this definitely requires these three traits. I want to think about (and write down) all the tools that I have discovered over the past few years and work out how I can use them, and why I haven’t done so as yet.
3. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness: I tend to be very black and white in my thinking – which is a huge impedence to recovery. A massive stumbling block! I need to have a big red flag wave around in front of me the moment I feel that rebellious tendency to dismiss a recovery suggestion as being unnecessary, irrelevant, or too hard.
4. Leadership: Not so much leadership… But I have let my friends take charge of our friendships in recent times. They do all the contacting and organsing to catch up etc. I can become more proactive in nurturing these relationships that are so important, and have been an amazing lifeline for me in recent times.
5. Modesty and humility: Again, a recovery stance for this one. I can take more time to listen to other’s stories of recovery, grief, trauma, mental illness etc, and worry less about how it relates to me, and focus more on how extraordinary every single human being is. We’re all fighting a battle…