A FRESH START

I have to say, 2021 was kind to me. While 01 January is just an arbitrary date nevertheless, we wrap boundaries around dates and look for patterns. It is the way it is.

There are years that have been truly awful – where crisis after crisis hit me. Then there was the worst year ever – which started off feeling like the best year ever. We often categorise a year as having been good or bad. Despite my dad dying at the start of 2021 – a devastating event but not unexpected – I can safely say it was a good year. It certainly ended on a high note.

I CANNOT SAY WHAT 2022 WILL HOLD

Who can? I refuse to place expectations upon it but I see it as a fresh start. The year-that-was is closed and this is a new one. Bad habits I’ve slipped into over time can be overhauled.

New Year’s Resolutions traditionally last a month, at the most, before going the way of all other resolutions – out the window. Whoosh. Eighty per cent of resolutions don’t come to pass. Most of us think we’ll fall into that twenty per cent because hello?! … we have the resolve to stick it out. In reality, best intentions fade and real-life settles in.

Here’s my point. I want to make change but I want to be in the twenty per cent (don’t you?) so perhaps the answer is not white-knuckling, willpower and just doggone doggedness. Perhaps the answer is expectations.

IN 2021, I CONSOLIDATED RECOVERY

I’ve never been so mentally well. This is not to say perfect – it most certainly is not. But I’ve developed new ways of being. Anxiety no longer cripples me. Having gone through the cathartic process of writing a book about my childhood and eating disorder, those chapters feel closed. History is history and it doesn’t feature centre stage in my life anymore.

I can move on. I lost my identity and am forging a new one. This me is middle-aged (whether I like it or not), a writer, a friend, wife, mother and grandmother-to-be.

Relationships are incredibly important to me and one of my goals for 2022 is to continue healing those relationships that suffered during my breakdown. That’s a good goal, right? A continuation of a process that’s already begun.

I also want to continue healing the relationship with my body – perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I sacrificed so much in pursuit of an unattainable goal. I hear repeatedly I must accept the body I’m in right now before I can heal the relationship. Regardless of my perceptions about the body. Whether it’s obese, covered in scars, devoid of the elastin that once pointed everything north. Just accept what I have right now.

I GOTTA SAY, IT’S REALLY FUCKING HARD

In the pursuit of eating disorder recovery, I’ve religiously consumed three meals and two snacks a day for almost two years. The snacks have become a bit haphazard but I’m secure in this recovery and want to eat more intuitively.

With an eating disorder, you have almost certainly over-written your hunger cues. Which is why part of recovery involves eating to a schedule. Eventually, hunger cues return and I’m at that point. It’s time to eat more intuitively. Not more. Or less. But to follow hunger and social cues.

Intuitive eating espouses eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. Sounds so simple. But social and emotional eating are normal parts of the human experience, so denying social eating is another eating disorder behaviour. Over the past year, I’ve worked on all these things and no longer have a sense of deprivation if I pass by a piece of cheesecake. I can have it any time I feel like it. I’ve learned sometimes I don’t feel like it.

IN 2022 I WANT TO MASTER INTUITIVE EATING

No dieting. No fasting. No rules. Food for nourishment, hunger and pleasure. My fears from my clinic days are unfounded – I do stop eating by choice when I allow myself to eat without guilt and shame.

I also need to get a handle on moving my body. For years I over-exercised. At the time, I just thought I was healthy but it was driven, compulsive and not always enjoyable. Over the past year, I’ve virtually stopped moving and that isn’t enjoyable either. Particularly as I age. It’s been three months since I’ve done a gym class and my once daily (or twice daily) walks to the beach are long-forgotten memories. I’m not entirely sure how to learn to move for the right reasons but that’s my goal – move more.

I adore being in the bush, hiking mountains, finding waterfalls and strolling along beaches with salty wind curling my hair. To do that I need a certain level of fitness. I want 2022 to be the year I regain it. In the coming weeks, I’ll review exactly how it will happen. I want to be in the twenty per cent who embrace the resolution as a lifestyle change rather than white-knuckle through something really unpleasant.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO FIND, IS PURPOSE

What’s the point of me? That has been my existential crisis for quite some time. I played music for pure joy and that felt purposeful. I had paid work and that felt purposeful. I was needed by my children and that felt purposeful. Those things had their day and I’ve been searching for new things. I suspect this is a common occurrence in middle-age. Some things just have use-by dates.

Instead, I’ve learned to write and while I may not be Helen Garner, Truman Capote or Tolstoy, I do feel comfortable with the written word and it’s something I can pursue. Not for money – because goodness only knows, I doubt there’s money to made by writing a blog – but for the sole purpose of sharing my experiences with others. And if one person benefits then it will be worthwhile. I’m okay with the fact I’m unlikely to ever be in the paid workforce again.

I have one resolution that may or may not come to pass. But it’s a good idea. I need to clean my house more. We spring cleaned it in preparation for the house swap and I gotta say, it felt good to be in a house without cobwebs for a day. I’d like to maintain this new standard when I return.

I live in a house that feels too big for me to manage when I still get crippling bouts of fatigue but we’re not ready to downsize yet. So – the only actual New Years Resolution I want to declare is that I’ll keep my house much cleaner in 2022. And if that falls by the wayside, well, c’est la vie.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

It’s Christmas Day.

This is the first time I have been away from my children for Christmas – since they were born. I miss them intensely but we’re having a lovely day. I have video called them and we’ve said all our merry christmases.

I have lots of things happening in my life right now, and for the most part, they’re all good.

I’m currently holidaying in Byron Bay with my husband and youngest son. I gotta say – my son is not very keen to be here. He only came because we’ve done a house swap and he had nowhere to live. He’s planning on going back early and sleeping in his car – that’s how much he’s loving it.

Byron Bay has loads of beaches and stunning coastline and a really famous lighthouse. But if you don’t like swimming and you absolutely detest sand there’s not a whole lot of stuff to do. So I get that he wants to go home. I on the other hand, absolutely adore swimming and I’m perfectly willing to put up with the gritty inconvenience of sand. It’s just a bit sadder to swim by yourself. But still – it’s a sacrifice I’ve been willing to make. The water here is just beautiful.

MY MENTAL HEALTH IS SO GOOD

These past few months I have felt so exceptionally well. I am not sure if this is just a natural progression of psychological recovery combined with pharmacological support. Or if I’m just living in this deluded bubble of happiness because all my cards seem to be turning up trumps right now. But either way, I feel really well. Really, really well.

The biggest Christmas news is, I’m going to be a grandma. I’m going to have a little baby granddaughter in May and that is such an amazingly beautiful blessing. I am so excited. Here – say hello to little Sofia.

Isn’t she perfect?! Now I am deeply conscious of the fact that looking at other people’s ultrasound photographs of their baby is often – quite frankly – intensely boring. There is an incredible similarity between all these precious little people wrapped tightly in their mother’s wombs. But now that the photo is of my own granddaughter I feel a deep emotional connection to it. I could just look at that all day long. And sometimes I do. It makes me enormously happy and fills me with deep contentment.

I can’t wait to meet her.

In other lovely news, my book is about to launch. Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels: The Girl with the Eating Disorder. I have distributed all the presales copies to those people who supported my crowdfunding campaign. 130 books have been sent around the world and a lot of them have now been read.

HAVE YOU PREORDERED YET?!

You can go to Amazon or Book Depository or anywhere you like really. Ideally, you will go into your local bookstore and ask them to order it in. That would be so awesome because it spreads the word for me!

I’ve had such wonderful feedback.

Fascinating read and beautifully written

I couldn’t put it down. It was so good!

Bloody wow wee… I’ve cried and I’ve laughed. An incredible writer!!

Oh the tears. So beautiful!

Loving book. So easy to read. Going through whole gamut of emotions!

It’s a great read. You talk about such brutal things so matter of factly and it’s so raw and honest. It’s refreshing.

I’m devouring your book. It’s a great read and I love your writing.

I’m loving your book. Feeling very privileged to be reading this!

I was so swept up with your narrative that I read it in three sittings.

And so many more beautiful words! So I highly recommend you preorder by 11 January. I would love to hear your thoughts on my musings!

THEN THERE WAS MORE GOOD NEWS

We have had a small financial windfall which has eased a lot of our credit card burden over Christmas. These little things make such a difference. I am not at all money-focused in life. Which explains why we so rarely have any. But when little windfalls come along, it does feel like an enormous blessing.

And in a completely trivial and frivolous announcement, I bought a very expensive swimsuit that turned out to not quite fit me properly – straps were a little long and my boobs kept falling out. I didn’t want to frighten small children at the beach so I had it adjusted and now it fits perfectly. Body image has been – and continues to be – a major hurdle for me. It is not easy to be a pale, fat, middle-aged woman in a society that embraces the slim, tanned and young. Especially in Byron Bay where it seems everyone just stepped out of an Instagram influencer account – and forgot most of their clothing. So this swimsuit makes me feel as comfortable as I’m ever going to be. It’s not magic – I’m still a pale, fat, middle-aged woman – but somehow I feel a little more acceptable in this swimsuit. Which makes it worth every penny of the price tag. Regardless of our financial circumstances. I consider it an investment in mental health.

One of the most beautiful and touching things that has happened recently is hearing from someone so special to me. Someone I have not spoken to for 16 months for a number of reasons. Receiving that call was exquisitely heartwarming. It was right up on a par with learning about my granddaughter-to-be. And it came completely out of the blue – I was not expecting it. For the rest of the day, the grin on my face spread from ear to ear and my heart beat just a little bit quicker with excitement. It feels like a gentle healing of something precious that has been very broken. I don’t know what the future holds but for today I feel incredibly comforted by the conversation we had.

CHRISTMAS IS A TIME THAT MEANS FAMILY & FRIENDSHIP TO ME

So, from my family to yours, may you have a beautiful day with loved ones – in person or in memory. Wherever they may be. And may you ease through the silly season with peace in your heart. Be well lovely people. Be well.

IT’S A HAPPENING THING

I wrote a book.

You’ve probably heard me banging on about it over the past few months. Years even. But now we’re at the pointy end of the process.

BUT THE THING IS, IT’S SCARY!

I should probably have thought about this several years ago when I decided to lay my life right open for everyone to traipse across and have a good stickybeak. But at the time it felt like a cathartic expression of things I’d kept bottled up for far too long. Now everyone is going to know all about my bottles.

My story is about the evolution of an eating disorder and the circumstances – both nature and nurture – that led me there. I am not an extraordinary person. I have had an average little life in an average little family. But shit happens to all of us and some of us are better equipped to deal with that shit.

That equipment for managing stuff comes from both innate personality (I am, after all, a highly sensitive person) and the familial and societal happenings of life. For me, I became someone you could apply the words “childhood emotional neglect” to. Not because my parents were awful people – on the contrary, they were lovely people. But because they were emotionally ill-equipped to deal with children’s emotions. Parenting books and courses did not abound in the 70s and Doctor Spock didn’t cover meeting the emotional needs of a child in great detail. So – we became emotionally neglected. Loved. But not equipped.

THAT HAS LED TO A COUPLE OF PROBLEMS FOR ME

And those problems are now laid out bare ready for anyone to read about.

If you would like to read my story, it will be out on 11 January 2022. I would love you to order a copy – I’m sure it is going to be enlightening! That is certainly the feedback I have received so far.

You can get it at Amazon, or The Book Depository or practically anywhere online. Or maybe just ask your local bookstore to order it in – that would be awesome for me!

My story is not just about me. It is about all the experiences that women can face over the years – the pressure to be thin, the value that is placed on a woman’s appearance, juggling career and family, friendships. And it strives to elicit an understanding of behaviours that many people will find inexplicable – eating disorder, self-harm, suicidal ideation.

I have done the hard work for you. Delving into vulnerable areas that we all have in some capacity. I hope it inspires some introspection but also empathy towards those of us who struggle differently. And if you’re someone with an eating disorder, let it be known that there is comfort in shared misery. And there is hope.

While I’m busy gathering thoughts and journal entries for my second book, now is a great time to read Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels: The Girl with the Eating Disorder. (I promise my next book will have a much shorter title.)

If I do say so myself, it’s quite a good read. Order it in and let me know what you think!

STABILITY

I’m quiet. Because I don’t have a lot to say.

When I’m well, I have oomph for talking whereas when I’m unwell, the thought of ordering coffee is completely overwhelming.

The opposite is true with writing. When I am unwell words drip from my fingertips but when life trots along nicely, I dry up.

SO HERE I AM. ALL DRIED UP

And that’s good news. Right? I’m so well I have nothing to say.

My mood has become extremely stable in recent months, which is apparently an aim of recovery in bipolar II disorder. No big highs. No big lows.

But the other thing that happens without highs and lows is mood becomes very flat. And that, I do not like.

Mood fluctuation is a normal part of the human experience and isn’t necessarily reactive to circumstance. How wondrously cheerful would you feel if the boss wandered in to say you’re getting a raise. Sadness descends if your beloved dog passes away. These are situational emotions and for healthy functioning people, just part of life’s journey.

Then there are mood fluctuations outside of situations. One morning you wake feeling well, rested, energised, positive and ready to face the day ahead. Another day the clouds are grey. You feel fatigued and drab and with no real desire to even feed the cat.

So when I say my mood is stable that’s what it looks like. A few highs and lows but on a gentle fluctuating wave.

BUT MY WAVE IS ALMOST FLAT

Due to mood stabilisers – surely nothing short of a modern medical miracle – I struggle to feel “up”. There’s no get up and go. I rarely feel energised or excited. I just function. Getting out of bed and feeding the cat is all doable. I occasionally dust off the vacuum cleaner. If a friend wants to go for a walk, I can walk. When I’m finalising details for my book launch I feel cheerful. There is movement at the mood station, but it’s not a lot.

I expend the energy I have trying to look normal. I can do it – don’t get me wrong. This stabilisation business sees me getting out there and conversing with people. I get a few things done. Occasionally wander off for a walk. But I miss the highs. I really miss them.

Bipolar is a spectrum of moods from major depression through to mania. Bipolar II doesn’t go all the way to full mania – we have instead, what is called hypomania.

Periods of over-active and excited behaviour that can have a significant impact on your day-to-day life. Hypomania is a milder version of mania that lasts for a short period (usually a few days).

mind.org.uk

I gotta say, hypomania feels good. And that’s when I can really crank up the vacuuming.

To the outside observer, I might seem completely driven and focused, talking too fast, walking too fast, obsessing over details, completely sleepless and coordinating a plethora of tasks simultaneously. But on the inside, I could climb a mountain. And I’m sure a few of the mountains I’ve climbed were inspired by hypomania.

That doesn’t sound too bad right? But it’s part of a swinging pendulum and when I’m not well all that machine gun energy will crash and burn to major depression.

THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

And it is this dangerously low major depression that the mental health professionals are trying to steer me away from. I gotta say, I don’t want to go back there either. The mood wave with phenomenal peaks and troughs.

I have been on two mood stabilising medications for 18 months. They appear to be doing a good job and aside from feeling flat all the time, there are no side effects. Everyone else seems pretty happy with this state of affairs. I’m not.

Now that I’m stable, I’m wanting more. It is not enough for me to just think about all the things I want to get done, I want the energy to do more than the basics. I want the energy to be self-motivated. And so I have made a decision. I’m going to start reducing my medication. Just a little bit. And only under medical supervision. If the wave gets wobbly I can always go back, but if I don’t at least try a lower dose, I won’t know what happens.

Prior to the overdose, I had – for a long time – skipped my antidepressant medication on a regular basis. I never felt comfortable on it and the first thing the doctors did in hospital was take me off it. Antidepressants are apparently a bad idea for bipolar patients. I haven’t skipped a single, solid dose of my current meds. Not one. I’ve been a very good girl and the results are paying off. But my psychiatrist agrees that the ultimate aim for anyone is to be on the lowest working dose, so I’m about to begin the great dose-modification experiment.

TIME WILL TELL HOW IT PANS OUT

My secret hope is I become infused with enough energy to feel inspired and excited but remain stable enough to sleep at night and stay focused. The most likely outcome is I won’t notice a difference. At which point I will corner my psychiatrist and beg to go down another dose. If things go a little pear-shaped, I can always go back up.

Stability is a lovely thing to have. My life just sort of meanders along. But it also feels pointless. It is hard to find purpose in a life that does nothing more meaningful than stack the dishwasher and write the occasional blog post. I miss feeling like a fully functioning adult.

So – I guess long story short. If I start writing blog posts on a daily basis, you’ll know I’m starting to flirt with both ends of the mood spectrum. Watch this space.

IT’S GOOD NEWS DAY!

You know how bad news comes in runs of three? That’s my superstition at any rate… Well apparently good news can do the same thing.

I had such a lovely weekend. First of all, my book.

THE GRAPHICS DESIGN TEAM HAVE DONE AN AWESOME JOB

I received an email with six cover designs in it and I was given the task of ranking them from 1-6. I pondered this task for 24 hours then sent off my opinion. And my opinion was that they were all fantastic but there were two I could not decide between. So those two have been selected by the design team and a poll has now been created on the Koehler Books website.

I would love you to vote in the poll!

Haven’t they done a great job?! And they are so different – I’m sure each one will appeal to people for a variety of reasons. But if you have a favourite then click the link and let us know. It’s very quick and easy to vote – I’m very appreciative of your support.

This book has been two years in the making so it’s pretty exciting to get to the pointy end of the process. It’s just 56 days until launch. Days! What’s not to like about that. I have received so much amazing support from people, I’m really looking forward to finally having something to share with you.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS DIDN’T STOP THERE

Shortly after I received the email about cover designs, I had a phone call from a friend. I was still in bed so it was a most excellent start to the day.

My husband and I have been offered a house and car swap for two and a half weeks over Christmas. So we’re going up to Byron Bay to enjoy some sunshine and sand. How cool is that?!

We had been umming and ahhhing about doing something for our wedding anniversary on 13 December but to be brutally honest, we couldn’t really afford to do anything much. But now, just a week after our anniversary we’re having a free holiday in northern NSW. We bought the flights with frequent flyer points so it’s all a win-win.

Things like this don’t usually happen to me so I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity.

And the people staying in our home are cat lovers (phew! I couldn’t abandon poor old Coco) plus they knew my dad very well and will get to see all his artwork hung around my home. While my house is very humble and my car is very old, I hope that they will enjoy being in beautiful Tasmania over the holiday break.

I am now inspired to do some spring cleaning over the next six weeks. Gotta crack out the spray and wipe.

AND FOR THE THIRD PIECE OF NEWS

Now, this might seem so dull and boring in the world of good news but trust me when I say, it was a very big deal to us!

I received a letter (a piece of paper hand delivered by a postman – these things feel so foreign in the 21st century). But a letter came from my health insurance company. How dull, I thought when I saw the logo on the envelope. Then I opened it (lucky I did – I sometimes don’t open boring mail…) and discovered that because we’ve been with the same insurance company for ten years, they’ll be reducing our monthly premium.

They’re reducing it by $150 a month.

I don’t know what you think, but to me that is enormous. A huge saving. Apparently, loyalty pays off and for that, I am also extremely grateful.

With all my mental health issues in the past five years, private health insurance has been an essential bill that we made the decision to keep paying – even when finding the money was very difficult. But having the insurance meant I was able to receive private psychiatric support and admissions and the difference that has made in my life is incalculable.

SO I CELEBRATED

Good news feels great and when I feel great I get a little teeny bit impulsive.

I have been wanting new swimwear for the summer season (here in the southern hemisphere). Having put on a lot of weight in the past 18 months I don’t actually own anything that fits. I saw an advertisement on Instagram a while back and I have been following an Australian eco-friendly company for quite some time – very envious of all the swimsuits.

But yesterday I whipped out the tape measure and checked the size guide then ordered a rather expensive but hopefully amazing swimsuit. This one if you’re interested – it’s the cleverest design I’ve ever seen.

I chose brown and green as my grandmother always said autumn tones suit me and my friends agreed. It’s scary to order swimwear that isn’t black, but hopefully I will feel good in it. Well – as good as it is possible to feel while wearing a swimsuit when you’re a middle-aged woman with major body image issues.

So that’s all my news. Good news is always a reminder that all the bad things and sad moods of the past have passed me by and that things are different now. I know the pendulum will swing again – that’s life. But once it’s swung one way it will by its very nature, swing back here again.

I hope you’re having a lovely day but if you’re not, hang in there. Your pendulum will swing soon.

RETAIL THERAPY

Today I bought new clothes.

It might sound like a frivolous way to spend a Thursday afternoon, but for me, it was a big deal. It marks a line in the sand.

I’ve gained weight. These things happen, I know. To lots of people. Possibly you. And if you’ve gained weight then you probably know how I feel about it – completely not thrilled. But I’m someone in eating disorder recovery (doing really well thanks!) and I’m a woman of a certain age (let’s call it fabulous). Weight gain is not unusual in either of these circumstances and weight loss is problematic for both.

In eating disorder recovery, trying to lose weight nearly always equals relapse (in my completely non-expert but fully lived experience). And when the fabulous (?!) fifties hit, fat clings like a limpet on a large rock. So I was faced with two options – the only two I could think of. Fight it or face it.

I’M TIRED OF FIGHTING

So I cracked out the credit card.

Now, if money were no object (rest assured, money is a rather large object) then spending over $400 on clothes would perhaps not be a big deal. But when most of the pennies are fairly tightly budgeted, it isn’t easy to make the decision to buy a pile of clothes two sizes larger than your entire wardrobe. My entire wardrobe that’s now neatly packed away in two large suitcases.

After a session of psychological therapy this morning, I decided retail therapy would be a very nice (and practical) complement. It’s all fine and dandy to talk about recovery and how I’m learning to accept this body I’m forced to live in, but buying new clothes means putting money where my mouth is.

It’s 18 months since I came out of the clinic and the last weeks of my stay were entirely focused on eating disorder recovery. While I can’t say it’s been entirely smooth sailing in the time that has intervened, I can say it’s been a fairly upward trajectory. I go from strength to strength – with the occasional face plant.

In recent weeks I’ve been in contact with someone who I don’t know well but appears to suffer from an eating disorder.

EATING DISORDERS CAN FEEL CONTAGIOUS

To those of us who are vulnerable, there can be an overwhelming temptation to regress when we see triggering behaviours. So as I watch someone in their own struggle I have to make a decision about how I respond. At the end of the day, someone else’s behaviour is none of my business and my behaviour is nobody else’s responsibility.

As I drove home yesterday I had to think really hard about what to do for lunch – if indeed I should eat lunch at all. But in the end, I decided my recovery can’t be compromised by anyone and I’d eat lunch (anything I fucking felt like thank you very much). So I stopped at the bakery and bought lunch.

I didn’t binge. I didn’t restrict. I didn’t purge. I just looked at the display and picked the thing I most felt like and ate it. With a coffee and a cake. It feels so weird. Apparently, this is normal behaviour.

The more I engage in eating that reflects my needs and wants, the less obsessive I am. I no longer have an incessant dialogue in my head about the intrinsic moral value of food. I don’t have a list of things I can and can’t eat because they’re good and bad. There’s just food I like and food I don’t like.

AND IT FEELS GOOD

When you live with a mentality of restriction (common in almost all eating disorders) then all food is mentally exhausting. You have to calculate whether it’s “okay” to eat something. Natural body cues are completely ignored and over time, you lose the cues altogether. I used to live in a perpetual state of never, ever wanting to eat while being completely unsatisfied by any and all foods. I could eat until I was literally vomiting and it wasn’t enough. But every bite was a failure. There was a hunger deep in my soul that wasn’t satisfied by food.

That has gone now and I’m blessedly grateful.

For many years I’ve tried to recover but always secretly hoped recovery would mean losing weight and stabilising at a lower weight. I had to let go of that. And it’s been really fucking hard. I can’t say I love this body. Part of me will always want to be thin and pretty because I grew up being told thin and pretty are the tickets to happiness. But I’m neither thin nor pretty by societal standards (I really don’t need anybody sending me messages to say otherwise… it’s irrelevant). I don’t feel thin or pretty by societal standards, but I’ve been working hard for years on learning that appearance is not the ticket to success and happiness. Happy people come in every shape, size and bone structure. As do sad people.

IF I WANT TO BE HAPPY, I NEED TO LOOK INSIDE NOT OUTSIDE

Purchasing clothes may seem like I’m still focused on appearance but I’m not. I’m being practical. We all wear clothes and I need something to put on every morning. Something that fits my body. Something comfortable. Something suitable for the climate and my activities. It’s not about being precious, it’s being practical. Buying a new summer wardrobe represents acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that this is the body I live in right now and that even if it changes in the future, today this is me.

Trying to change my body for over 50 years made me really miserable. Even when I was at my smallest, I was still miserable. Nourishing my body and soul with food is finally bringing me a level of peace. There’s still room for improvement, this is not a flawless process, but now I’m going to be making continued improvement in comfortable pants.