A VERY WRIGGLY CHRISTMAS

The silly season is upon us, in all its gold and green, red and silver finery. There’s tinsel and wreaths and candles. Everything’s shiny and scented, and it’s a very messy, merry time of year.

And all that mess makes my legs wriggle more.

Restless legs syndrome (RLS) is a bit of a bother – to put it gently. Some people have mild symptoms that are irritating but managed with everyday lifestyle changes. Many of us have moderate to severe symptoms that are difficult to manage and easily triggered. I’m in the latter group.

Holiday consumption temptation

The trouble with the silly season is there is an inclination to do silly things. If there’s one thing we humans like to do during periods of celebration, it is to eat and drink. A lot of lifestyle changes that help manage, or at least not aggravate RLS relate to things we consume. Caffeine, alcohol, and high sugar foods are all known risk factors. But caffeine, alcohol, and sugary delights are in abundance throughout December, and sometimes the siren call of the sumptuous feast is too much to bear.

To continue reading please visit:

https://restlesslegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net/living/holiday-choices/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and Restless Legs Syndrome Health Info & Community (sleep-disorders.net)

SLEEPING THROUGH THE SILLY SEASON

Insomnia is a bugger of a thing all year long, but when the holiday madness starts to settle around me, it can play havoc with my carefully constructed routine.

Wining and dining and mad panic planning all impact my ability to sleep so taking a bit of care during this time is important not just for my physical wellbeing but for my mental health as well.

There are a few simple things I do so I can enjoy the season without too many repercussions and hopefully start the new year with a little spring in my step.

To see my video please visit:

https://insomnia.sleep-disorders.net/video/holiday-self-care/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and Insomnia Health Info & Community (sleep-disorders.net)

MY BIPOLAR LIFE

I don’t know if my official mental health diagnosis is bipolar II – or not. There appears to be no consensus on anything aside from the fact I have emotional dysregulation and severe insomnia issues. In my opinion, those two things are more than enough to make anybody go crazy. But mental health diagnosis or not, my life is full of highs and lows.

I have been tooting my own horn for seven months now – rabbiting on about how awesome my recovery is coming along. And it’s true – I believe my recovery from not just the eating disorder stuff, but depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation is trotting along very nicely. Much more nicely than I would ever in my life have anticipated. Especially at the start of this year. Trotting along nicely is not the same as perfect and I have definitely had ups and downs and relapses, but as I keep repeating to myself, the trajectory is consistently upward. Which is a pleasing thing to report.

BUT LIFE IS NEVER SMOOTH SAILING

My life is no easier, messier or more complicated than anybody else’s life. We all have shit going on, but when the shit is happening to you, it somehow feels shittier.

My dad is old – which is not surprising when you consider I’m not young. But regardless, it’s not easy watching the life slowly seep away from the people we love. Over the last month, I saw my father suffering – very badly. It was a miserable thing to see and to wake every morning wondering if today was the day the phone call would come. But with much hard work from the medical fraternity and much praying from the spiritual community, he pulled through and looks a million dollars. I never believed such a change was possible in such a short period of time. It reinforces my newly acquired faith in miracles. Whatever time he has left, it will hopefully now be spent at home, without suffering. Nobody should ever have to suffer.

THEN THERE’S MY FEET

This seems like such a trivial thing to whine about, but I’m going to do it anyway. I love bushwalking. I really do. It’s such a wonderful mental wellness activity for me. It’s a healthy way to exercise without getting obsessive. It’s all fresh air and fun and friendship. I love it. Then I broke my leg and since then I’ve had nothing but trouble with my feet. I have reactive Achilles tendinopathy that has been non-responsive to physiotherapy. I know there are big problems in the world, but this is a big problem in my world. I’m seeing a specialist in the hope of finding a magic concoction of steroids and anti-inflammatories to return my feet to some semblance of normality. In the meantime, I’ve had to cancel – again – a multi-night walk I was really looking forward to, and all my usual physical activity has been halved. I still strength train at the gym but I can’t walk regularly so I sit on my arse all day instead. It’s very depressing and not conducive to good mental health.

On the upside, the first round of steroids made a huge difference and I was able to start walking again – until the steroids stopped. So I’m cautiously optimistic there is hope for the future of my feet. Watch this space.

AND NOW THERE’S MY CAT

Poor Coco. My beautiful chocolate brown Burmese friend. He has been a faithful and loving companion for 14 years and I hope we have another 14 years together. Or at least four… But on Friday Coco fell asleep in the shade of the carport and being a dark brown cat he was not visible as my husband reversed the car in. And he got run over. Luckily my husband was reversing slowly so Coco is still with us but has a fractured jaw. We’ve had him home for the weekend awaiting surgery tomorrow morning. Feeding him cat “soup” through a syringe in the side of his mouth has been somewhat distressing. Not to mention messy. He smells like soggy cat food. He has a fentanyl patch taped to his back paw so he has no pain and his eyes are like dinner plates. He’s completely off his tree.

When we got to the vet on Friday and I saw the full extent of his broken and bleeding jaw I was so distressed. And so afraid he had a crushed skull as well. Thankfully the x-rays have – so far – shown no other injuries. Since Friday however, my recovery has taken a tumble. I feel like I’m chasing my tail trying to emotionally stay on top of everything without trying to numb the shit out of myself. I’d very much like to have my own fentanyl patch and dinner plate eyes.

BUT ALAS, I HAVE TO FEEL THESE SHITTY EMOTIONS

I ate chocolate instead. It was delicious. Then halfway through today, I realised it was our 28th wedding anniversary. It was the first time in 28 years we didn’t realise in advance or plan something. I have anniversary guilt. Due to our current shitty financial situation – made even shittier by the fact we will be paying an arm and a leg for Coco’s jaw – we were unable to do anything interesting or significant to remember our important day together. But when finally I noticed the date we decided it was a good opportunity to go for a drive in the country and visit our favourite chocolate shop. I ate all my chocolate before I got home. I will have chocolate envy later this evening when my husband slowly enjoys his anniversary treat.

So that’s my life in a nutshell at the moment. One day everything feels fantastic and like I can do no wrong. Then the next day it feels like a walking disaster and I’ll never be able to cope. But I have learned I can cope. I don’t have to like the shitty things but I can manage them. Sometimes I manage them with chocolate. Sometimes with a Valium or two. But my days of self-harm feel like long lost history. My days of endless binging and purging, or punitive restriction are gone. I can’t promise what tomorrow might hold – none of us can – but in this topsy-turvy upside down world we live in, I can say this old dog has finally learned a new trick or two.

SLEEPING THROUGH THE SILLY SEASON

Insomnia is a bugger of a thing all year long, but when the holiday madness starts to settle around me, it can play havoc with my carefully constructed routine.

Wining and dining and mad panic planning all impact my ability to sleep so taking a bit of care during this time is important not just for my physical wellbeing but for my mental health as well.

There are a few simple things I do so I can enjoy the season without too many repercussions and hopefully start the new year with a little spring in my step.

To continue reading please visit:

https://insomnia.sleep-disorders.net/video/holiday-self-care/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and https://insomnia.sleep-disorders.net

I’VE BEEN QUIET

It bothers me when I don’t write in my blog. Not because I think my writing is doing anyone a public service, but because this forum is my outlet for internal rumination. And if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s internal rumination.

I HAVE A LOT GOING ON IN MY LIFE AND IT ISN’T ALL EASY

I’m still trying to come to terms with the estrangement of someone I love dearly. I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact I took an overdose. I’m still learning to accept the repercussions. I’m still saddened by my temperamental Achilles and afraid my cathartic pastime of walking out in nature is done and dusted.

And more recently, I’m distressed at the rapid decline of my elderly father’s health. For a few weeks, it looked like his demise was imminent, but with magic potions from the treating doctors, and calling upon much prayer from my church and friends, he has turned a corner and made a miraculous recovery. He is still in the palliative care ward but there is now optimism about the possibility of him returning home to see out his days. How wonderful that will be.

With all that going on it would be so easy to slip back into old coping mechanisms – eating too much, eating nothing at all, purging, exercising and scoffing laxatives. Or using self-harm, obsessive gaming on my phone, or scoffing handfuls of pills to sleep my days away. Anything to shift the focus from important things to numbing away my life.

I HAVE DONE NONE OF THESE THINGS

I want to. Every day I fight the urge to eat vanilla slices and down a handful of pills to numb away the fears that run through my head. But every day I remind myself I’ve had six months of strong recovery with very few relapses and each day I get through makes me stronger than the last. So I plough on through.

It’s not perfect. Sometimes I eat an extra piece of toast because I’m extra tired. I take a valium most days to manage the overwhelming anxiety that threatens to crush me. But I do everything out in the open and with full awareness. This is a difficult time for me and sometimes I’m making difficult decisions – about myself or about others. But there’s one thing I don’t want to lose during this time, and that is my sanity.

I had my first breakdown in 2016 and while there were many contributing factors, the overwhelming trauma that stuck in my head was the cascade of deaths I’d been surrounded by for a few years. My life has been death-free for a couple of years but watching my father’s inevitable demise triggers the fear that everyone else will die too. That the cascade of deaths will begin again.

It is taking a lot of my hard-earned DBT skills to remind myself to stay in the moment and to let go of irrational fears that have no basis in fact. I don’t get this right much of the time, to be honest. Most of my days are spent in fear of the phone call that tells me the next bad news. I have hated phones since I was a teenager for that very reason.

BAD NEWS ALWAYS ARRIVES VIA TELEPHONE

But good news comes that way too. All news in fact comes via the telephone. It does for me at any rate. The doctors and social workers at the hospital care not just for my dad, but for the family members too. And they check in with me to see how I’m doing. I have a lovely support network of friends and family who also send me messages or catch up for coffee to allow a debrief. It’s all fine and dandy for me to write, but sometimes another point of view is needed to bounce ideas off.

I may not have been blogging for some weeks but I have been journaling my little heart out. Most days I write a silent letter to a beloved friend who is no longer in my life and that helps release the emotional turmoil that lives in my head. I have learned that turmoil will always be there, but I don’t have to numb away the pain. I can quite simply let it wash over and through me and then it goes away. Just like my psychologist has been telling me for years.

RECOVERY IS A TRICKY THING

I’m not just recovering from an eating disorder. I’m recovering from all the associated maladaptive behaviours for depression and anxiety. I’m learning to live with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I’m learning to age and grow bigger in a society that celebrates youth and getting smaller. For me, recovery is another word for acceptance. When I accept who I am and what I have – right now – I stay on track to make healthy decisions. When I fight reality and invest my happiness in future what-ifs, maybes and useless fucking wishes, then I stay stuck in a cycle of self-hatred.

I’m breaking that cycle and moving forward. It’s not easy and it’s not perfect – but I’m moving in the right direction.

REST, RELAX & REJUVENATE

Type “How To Relax” into Google and you’ll find 39,300,000 results. Clearly, relaxation has become something us twenty-first-century folk need a lot of help with.

But for all the, “Tips for Chilling Out,” “40 Ways to Relax in 5 Minutes,” or “Easy Ways to Relax,” headlines, I personally continue to find relaxation a monumental pain in the backside.

Relaxation goes by many names

There is nothing “easy” about relaxation. If it was easy, we’d all be feeling pretty relaxed by now and there wouldn’t be millions of Google articles telling us how to do it. Like many things in life, there is no “one size fits all” solution to relaxation.

To continue reading please visit:

https://restlesslegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net/living/relaxation/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and Restless Legs Syndrome Health Info & Community (sleep-disorders.net)