So folks . . . I did a thing. On Tuesday 30 May 2023, I had a gastric bypass done. A mini gastric bypass because I’m a mini fat person.

EVERYONE HAS A STRONG OPINION ABOUT THIS

I want to share my experience with the hope that perhaps you will judge and condemn me a little less. Because despite appearances, this was a long and difficult decision and one I hope in the long term will turn out to be a good idea. Of course, there is no way of knowing for sure without having a crystal ball, as long-term change can only be assessed after a long period of time has passed and seven months does not constitute long. Unless you’re miserable as fuck – in which case it feels like a lifetime. But I am not miserable so that’s a starting point for gratitude.

When I was young I was a particular weight (I will not be sharing numbers). And when I look back at that weight I see a healthy young woman who nobody should consider either overweight or underweight. I was just a weight. Of course, I didn’t appreciate this at the time. Mostly because so many people commented so often that I was a big girl. Which I translated into the word fat but perhaps they meant tall. Or not skinny. I have a long history of body image issues and eating disorder behaviours. So being at a normal, healthy, socially acceptable weight did not register as okay for me at the time. But that is a whole other story. At the end of the day, I was in a good weight range for my body and my pre-determined genetics. I believe wholeheartedly that if I had not starved and binged and obsessed about myself for decades, that is the weight I was always intended to be.

BUT DIETING – EVENTUALLY – MAKES YOU FAT

This I also wholeheartedly believe and I am anecdotal evidence that consistently messing around with natural body hunger cues will teach your body to store every ounce of fat. Once the dieting period is over, weight will stabilise at a higher number because the body fears periods of starvation again.

Have you heard of set weight point? It is the weight that your body will fight to return to when you lower your food intake. Sure, in the short term, every diet is successful. Because most of us can force ourselves into a period of hunger or emotional deprivation for a while. But sustaining it for a lifetime is rarely achievable and psychologically your body fights to return to what it has determined is the safest place for it to be. The set weight point. Chronic dieting can, and frequently does, increase set weight point. This is why so many people regain weight after dieting and add a couple of extra pounds that feel impossible to shake.

When I look at my history, I see my set weight point creeping higher and higher over the years. I fought nature hard with long periods of restrict-binge-purge-restrict cycles (aka dieting) but when I finally entered into eating disorder recovery and started eating regular meals, my weight settled into a comfortable range that became very stable for three years. And that weight was significantly higher than my body was genetically destined to be had I not messed around with it.

I WAS CAUGHT IN A DILEMMA

I could stay in recovery and maintain the same weight for the rest of my years. That would be called radical acceptance. Which is not a bad thing. I was still relatively healthy and active, eating regular healthy meals and experiencing little to no psychological distress at my food intake. I was working hard at body acceptance and neutrality, trying to appreciate the strong, healthy body I am blessed with. On bad body image days, I practiced gratitude for the things that were good about me and tried to dismiss the images reflected back at me. Rarely easy to do . . . I followed fat-positive social media accounts that spread the importance of accepting all bodies regardless of shape, size and functionality – because the basic human experience requires love and respect regardless of how it is aesthetically packaged. And of course I embraced the really strong message that the relationship between health and weight is complex. Good health comes in all shapes and sizes, as does poor health. Losing weight and becoming thinner does not mean someone is healthier. And vice versa.

HEALTH IS ABOUT BEHAVIOURS NOT APPEARANCES

My behaviours were healthy but my body remained fat. Some days I could accept this, others I could not. I had developed some mild health issues – my cholesterol was a little higher than it should be. My blood pressure consistently creeping up. Neither of those things were medically significant but were evidence of an internal struggle my body was fighting. When I looked at photos of myself I was always horrified. My son’s spectacular wedding was a well-photographed event and I could not fight the shame that overcame me with the constant stream of happy snaps that were taken. It had been years since I’d been able to wear my wedding ring and in a moment of radical acceptance I went to the jeweller’s to enquire about having all my rings modified to fit. The humiliation I felt when the girl at the counter laughed and said it was impossible, became the tipping point for me in making the decision.

But by far and away the strongest indicator that my weight was not the right one for my body, was my physical fitness. I attend the gym three times a week for strength training and have done so for 11 years. I bushwalk regularly and leading up to the climbing of Mount Kinabalu, I was climbing a mountain every weekend. Nothing shifted my weight, and part of me was okay with that. I climb mountains and soak in the essence of nature because I love it – at every size. But there is one thing I know for sure – it is much fucking harder to climb a mountain when you’re carrying extra weight. I needed a lot more stops, my heart rate consistently raced uncomfortably high and I was puffing on the asthma puffer a lot more frequently in a vague attempt to help my lungs breathe more easily.

BASICALLY, MY WEIGHT NEGATIVELY IMPACTED MY ENJOYMENT OF LIFE

And despite being told (by someone who’s never been fat), there are better ways, I know for me, there are not. Any form of consciously reducing food intake by fasting, eliminating food groups, reducing portions or following any type of diet would lead straight back to an eating disorder with potential short-term weight loss and long-term gain. And I have to confess, I never want to go there again. In fact, left with a choice between being overweight and unable to climb mountains for the rest of my life, or having an eating disorder and climbing easily, I would choose overweight. But I was in the fortunate position of not being forced to choose.

I spent eight months researching weight loss surgeries. In 2012 I had a gastric lap band, lost a lot of weight, developed surgical bulimia and then had it removed in 2019. I would never return to the band – I don’t know a single person who doesn’t vomit up half their meals with it. I am done with bulimia. With all my research I concluded that for me, the gastric bypass was going to be the gold standard. If I was going to consider a surgical route, that became the only sensible option. I spent a lot of time researching worst-case scenarios, disaster stories, deaths, disabilities, the need to reverse the surgery. I wanted to know all the risks and complications. Because surgically modifying the digestive system is not a magic trick – it is life-altering and has long-lasting impacts.

After all my research, and a lot of saving, I decided it was the best option for me. I discussed it with my husband and four of my friends for months before finalising the decision. Some people expressed concern. One called me a hypocrite for publically promoting body acceptance while secretly not accepting my own body. That was a harsh slap in the face but holds a level of truth I had questioned myself.

CAN I BELIEVE IN BODY ACCEPTANCE AND STILL WANT TO CHANGE MY OWN?

Some people would say yes. Some people would say no. One thing I want to make extremely clear is that when I feel a need to change my body it is no reflection on other people’s bodies. I’m not in a competition, trying to look thinner than some other person. There is no judgment at all about how other people look. I feel like this is a truth for a lot of older people in eating disorder recovery. We have little judgment on the appearance of others and a huge amount of our own worth placed on how our bodies feel.

I am acutely aware that having a gastric bypass simply to look more appealing in my reflection would be a terrible idea because that reflection will never look good to me. Ever. That is part and parcel of who I am. That is something I have accepted. No matter the result of this surgery I will never feel attractive. The work I have done over the years has been to detach my value as a human from the aesthetic appeal my body may or may not have. I am worthy regardless of health and weight.

My desire to have surgery has very little to do with my physical appearance. But it has everything to do with how I feel in my skin. Being in a body that sits at a higher weight than it was ever designed to be is uncomfortable. Physically and psychologically. Some people are born into fat healthy bodies. Some are born into slim builds. I was born into a body that was meant to be tall and curvy. But I was never meant to be really fat and eventually my desire to live in a body that felt more natural overcame my desire to please other people by staying the way I was.

SO I HAD THE SURGERY

That was seven months ago and if weight was ever considered a measure of success, then it has been successful. I have lost weight. That was basically a guarantee and I try not to feel excited about it. Anyone who has weight loss surgery expects to lose weight. That is the whole point of it. I’m trying hard not to focus on numbers. I can now wear my wedding rings. This is such a symbolic thing for me. I have been married 31 years now and losing that physical reminder was a hard loss. Wearing them again makes me happy and happiness isn’t necessarily a bad goal. On our recent wedding anniversary, I did a 12.87km walk up and down mountains and I did it fairly easily. Loving every moment of the spectacular summit views but not loving the tight calf muscles so much. And yes, my clothes fit more comfortably. I feel a lot easier in my body now than I did before.

The surgery itself went well and I recovered pretty quickly. Nausea was my unwanted companion for many weeks but it eventually subsided. I learned the hard way that a piece of chocolate early in the recovery process brings on several days of gastro. It is surprising how uninteresting chocolate becomes when you know the pretty immediate consequences that await. For the first four months, food was an exploration of what will work and what won’t work. For me, I have hit the seven-month mark and can usually eat almost anything. Even chocolate. Although some days I have surprising reactions. I know other people have different experiences and anyone contemplating a bypass should definitely research the long-term effects.

There have been blips. I had three instances fairly early on where I ate too much, too quickly which brought on dumping syndrome bad enough for me to vomit. That was not fun and I try not to repeat it. If I’m not careful I still get dumping but I haven’t vomited in a while. I hope to never again. My bloods at the last check-up showed me mildly deficient in protein, calcium and vitamin D. Nothing clinically significant but something to keep an eye on. Also potentially the cause of my hair thinning out drastically since the surgery. Something I hope to reverse. Maintaining adequate protein intake is my most difficult task and I have succumbed to the need for supplements. I now regularly drink protein water which my friend described as, tastes like ass. Without enough protein, my body will eat muscle before it chews through my fat stores. And I have worked hard for eleven years to maintain my muscle. I don’t want to lose it now.

My surgeon wanted me to track protein intake and while that may sound like a great idea for a normal person, for someone in eating disorder recovery tracking is a terrible idea. There is no way to track protein without tracking everything. So for a week, I was back in a mindset of recording everything I ate and trying to push calorie intake as low as possible. It took me a week to come to my senses but I deleted the app. I’ll just have to wing it with the protein now.

MY ONE BIG CONFESSION . . . I HAVE BOUGHT SCALES

This is a no-no for most people and the reason I ended up with scales in my house is complex and not related to me. But they’re here now. I was weighing myself every day for several months and I am conscious that is an eating disorder behaviour and not something to be celebrated. After forking out thousands of dollars for weight loss surgery I admit, there is a desire for weight loss and to see the physical evidence of that. I no longer weigh daily and I am currently monitoring my responses. If weighing myself has any impact whatsoever on what, when and how I choose to eat each day then they will be out the window. For now, that has not happened. I know intellectually that there are much greater indicators of my health and well-being than a number on the scales.

Now that my cholesterol and blood pressure are back in the excellent range, and I can exercise with relative ease, I know all my health and well-being indicators are now excellent. I physically feel more comfortable in my skin now. After seven months I can say, goal achieved. My surgeon anticipates I’ll lose quite a few more kilos and I will always be secretly happy if that happens, but I’m not expecting it or working towards it. My weight will stabilise where it will and I can only but hope to teach myself to be content with it. Because there are now no other options available for weight management.

I have told a few more people about the surgery but now I’m prepared to spread the word and let the judgments fall as they may. Some people may read this post as a list of excuses from someone deluding themselves into wanting something. I don’t believe that is true but I have no control over what other people think. That is their burden to wear.

I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD

I eat very small amounts of food but quite frequently. Sometimes I eat more than others. I have stronger hunger signals than I’ve ever had in my entire life. My fullness signals are stronger than ever. I practice the ten principles of intuitive eating and honouring my body’s newly revised cues while being aware of gentle nutrition and joyful movement principles. I feel so incredibly free and liberated with food. A lot of the time – most of my day in fact – I have little interest in food. It does not rule my thoughts as it has done for most of my life. I get hungry, then eat. When I feel full, Istop. I do try and prioritise the protein on my plate but if I feel like cake for lunch I’ll do that too. Anything that doesn’t make me feel sick afterwards is fair game.

My current physical and psychological health is excellent and I am very grateful. I am also aware that the long-term success of this surgery will not be witnessed for another ten years. But with the research I’ve done, there is some evidence that the surgery can reset set weight point – something dieting cannot do – and I am secretly holding onto the hope that my weight will settle into the little niche it was always designed to be in.

I do not ever want to be an inspiration for someone to consider weight loss surgery. Nor do I want to be a deterrent. I am simply someone who made the decision to have weight loss surgery for myself after extensive research. Only time will tell if it was a wise decision, but for today I can say it was good decision for me. Your mileage may vary.