SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: SLEEPING ALONGSIDE SLEEP APNEA

My husband has sleep apnea. He has both central sleep apneas (CSA) and obstructive sleep apneas (OSA). When he had his sleep study done, it showed 95 apneas per hour that lasted roughly 20 seconds each. That means 95 times per hour he stopped breathing for 20 seconds. That is 1900 seconds without breathing. In every hour he was losing 31 minutes of air.

That seems like a lot to me.

You would think with all that going on, he would have noticed and gone to the doctor but we’d been married nearly 20 years then, so niggly little comments like, “You snore too much,” went unnoticed for a long period of time.

COUNTING THE SECONDS HE DIDN’T BREATHE

About 11 years ago I started to get really worried about his sleeping. I would lie awake most of the night not just with my own sleep issues – restless legs syndrome and severe insomnia – but listening with wide-eyed attentiveness to his lack of breathing.

To continue reading please visit:

https://sleepapnea.sleep-disorders.net/living/partner-perspective/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and https://sleepapnea.sleep-disorders.net/

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY: KEY SEVEN

There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

REACH OUT TO PEOPLE RATHER THAN YOUR EATING DISORDER

It is important that you don’t interpret people’s inability or unavailability as evidence that they don’t care about you.

Phew! Key seven. This is a tricky stumbling block. All my “I’ve nailed this,” success from the first six keys has ground to a halt. I can sum up the entire 26 pages in two words – reach out.

I know how important this is. We all know how important this is. Silence = shame and all that jazz. But it’s not easy and there are many types of ‘reaching out’.

Since I completed key six my sense of recovery has taken a backward step. I haven’t lost my wagon but I’ve slowed down. Details are unimportant. It’s action that counts and this week action involved escapism. The justification side of me wants to say, ‘It was only a bit of overeating,’ but the recovering side of me wants to say, ‘It’s all about the mindset.’ So my mindset struggled this week. But there’s always a new week and this week is about seeking support from others.

I TRULY SUCK AT THIS

Stopping eating disorder behaviour feels bad. There are no two ways about it. Life throws curveballs and emotions overwhelm so numbing behaviours rise up. The most long-standing is binging and/or purging. But in the last few years, I learned to self-harm or over-medicate. None of these things brings any sense of pride but history is history and it is what it is. I can only deal with today.

My behaviours are receding in the reverse order they arrived and the last one standing is overeating. The past week I overate. I didn’t reach out when I was distressed and according to key seven, human interaction would have been beneficial.

I’m truly blessed with supportive people around me. I really am. But I don’t know how to communicate. Which may sound ironic given my written verbosity. But when it comes to verbal sharing, I’m mute. I try, but nothing happens. This frustrates others and I know many of them read this blog.

THERE’S A ROADBLOCK IN MY HEAD

Conversing with people who have been-there-done-that, is much easier. During my inpatient stays, I spoke freely. But talking to those with no lived experience is a barrier for me. I don’t know why. It just is.

When the shoe is on the other foot, I feel really comfortable with other people’s problems. I don’t know if I get things right but everything is well-intentioned and said with great love. I’ve never learned to throw those words back at myself.

The book lists reasons that people resist reaching out and all of the following have been true for me at one point in time.

I don’t want people to know how much help I need | I am ashamed | By the time I realise I am in trouble, it is too late | I would not know what to say | People won’t know what to say | People have not been there for me in the past | I don’t want to burden people | I will feel worse if I try and it does not help | I should be able to handle things on my own

IT ISN’T YOU

The trouble with writing about relationships in a blog read by the people I have relationships with, is sometimes a general statement is interpreted as being directed at one person. It’s not. I’ve had eating disorder issues my entire life and when I say something has been true at one point in time, that could be yesterday or it could have been in 1975. These issues are about me, not you. I just need to get that out there…

Relationships are impermanent and risky; there are no guarantees and no way to get around that

This is a painful truth. But relationships are also adaptable and essential. It’s not important to tell all the things to all the people all the time. In fact, I suspect that would be a very bad idea. But I need to tell all the things to some of the people some of the time. Nobody needs to know everything – if it’s overwhelming for me, it’s moreso for others. But doling the burden of my shit around in little dollops lessens the burden for all involved.

SO HOW DO I DO IT?

I don’t really know. Be brave I guess. I find there’s an order of communication comfort for me. It goes like this.

1. Private journaling is a piece of cake
2. Blogging is really easy
3. Sending a text message is uncomfortable
4. Making a phone call is really uncomfortable
5. Face to face is extremely distressing

I know that isn’t ideal but at least I have a hierarchy for information sharing. I consider that better than nothing at all. If I wanted to boast, I could confidently say I’ve nailed 1. and 2. I’m getting better at 3. I have a lot more psychological therapy before I’m close to 4. and 5.

It’s easy to talk with people who “understand”. Those with lived experience. I’m sure this is true for a lot of major life situations out there – you wouldn’t wish distress on other people but there’s comfort in shared misery and nobody understands your misery like a fellow sufferer. Having to explain the inexplicable is like trying to tell a rock what a banana tastes like. The rock might care but it will never taste it.

Other people can help you, but they are not there all of the time, and sometimes not even when you think you need them the most.

I’m surrounded by people who care but I rarely reach out because it’s so painful. People have tried to be there for me but I’ve been unable to articulate what I need. I made pinky promises that meant the world to me, then when push came to shove, I broke the promises and destroyed trust. Which brings me to the final point in key seven.

REACHING IN TO YOURSELF

Reaching out is all fine and dandy, but reaching in is more important. I’m always there and the buck stops here. What I say to myself trumps everything that anyone else says or does. The book finishes with three ‘inner guidance’ exercises I shall work on this week.

1. Visualise new ways of responding to emotional chaos
2. Picture a guide who gently leads the way
3. Focus on the future I dream of

It all sounds so hippy-trippy and airy-fairy. Yet evidence suggests it works. I’ve written about freedom before. I’ve pictured that life and I continue to do so. I’ve intellectually considered healthy ways of responding to situations and sometimes I succeed. I can aim for a better strike rate. I rarely (never…) think of a guide but I once wrote about the little girl trapped inside me who wants to lead the way out.

This key is my work in progress so my goal is to increase internal awareness of emotional turmoil and think before acting. Less toast, more tears. And when situations arise, search deep for a little courage to reach out and reach in, then see what happens.

SO WHAT DO YOU ‘DO’ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

My husband sleeps like a baby. He sleeps like a baby hooked up to a sleep apnea machine but none-the-less, he lays his head upon the pillow then falls asleep. He stays asleep until the alarm goes off then he gets up.

I couldn’t do that if my life depended on it.

Even with well medicated restless legs syndrome (RLS), I’m often awake and twiddling my thumbs during the night. Wondering what to do with myself.

The downside of productivity

When my sleep was at its maximum disturbance I felt productive. I’d sit up all night and write articles, edit videos, or create infographics. I’d catch up on emails and scroll through social media for interesting content.

But as restless nights became restless weeks then months, the exhaustion became too much to even open a word document – let alone craft an article. And it turns out this productivity helped reinforce poor sleep habits.

So, what exactly can you DO in the middle of the night if you’re awake?

To continue reading please visit:

https://restlesslegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net/living/passing-time-night/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and restlegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY: KEY SIX

There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOURS

Give a person with an eating disorder anything and they figure out how to abuse themselves with it.

There are a lot of behaviours associated with eating disorders – some cross between different types of disorders and some are stand-alone. If you don’t change behaviour you can’t recover.

The authors outline two types of behaviours associated with eating disorders:

1. Overt: These are the obvious and typical behaviours such as restricting, binging and purging.
2. Recovery-sabotaging: These are less obvious and more easily justified. Things like compulsive exercise, body checking, eating rituals and cleanses.

Over the past twelve months many of my overt behaviours have decreased or completely stopped.

In 2016, I consciously started restricting. Prior to that, my restriction was in the context of dieting. In 2020 I stopped restricting. There have been virtually no days where I’ve eaten nothing. However, restriction refers to more than just the complete absence of food. Skipping meals or deliberately eating very small quantities in an effort to control weight is also restriction. I haven’t restricted since I was in the clinic. But I had difficulty eating in front of people when I first returned and some meals were skipped. In the past two months, I’ve eaten on a fairly flexible schedule and skipped no meals at all. Giving myself permission to eat without restriction has been confronting but the groundwork in the clinic has bloomed into regular eating.

I CAN’T PROMISE WHAT TOMORROW WILL HOLD, BUT FOR NOW, THIS PATTERN FEELS BROKEN.

Purging was something I started at age 22. It’s a long time since I was 22. The escalation began in 2012 and reached horrifying heights. This year has seen a virtual elimination of purging. I’ve had two or three single-episode relapses but in the past two months, there has been none at all. Unlike restriction, which is something I miss, I’ve completely lost the desire to purge.

When people binge emotionally they are trying to eat as much as possible to distract from feelings or fill up emptiness, cover feelings of sadness, soothe loneliness, stuff down rage, or drown out fear.

Binging is much harder to qualify. I started as a small child because periods of restriction were placed upon me. I dragged these habits into adulthood. Binging is the most familiar overt behaviour for me and the most difficult to get rid of. It brings a whole range of emotions – most of them unpleasant. But the pay-off is complete avoidance of emotional distress and that feels good in the moment. My binging behaviours this year have been good here and bad there. It’s not entirely gone. I no longer eat abnormally large quantities of food – ever – which is one of the hallmark symptoms of binging, but I sometimes comfort eat to greater excess than would be considered normal. I could count on one hand the number of comfort eating instances over the past two months and each day is easier than the last.

The past two months have brought a number of unprecedented stressors in my life. I’ve spent days curled up, paralysed and unable to carry on with my day. But I made the decision to do what DBT urged all these years – feel the feelings. They will pass. And they do. They come back again. But that too passes. Some days are better than others. I continue to make strides forward and shed more and more of the eating behaviours that weighed me down for so long. Distress in the moment now replaces my fear of unyielding and unbearable distress.

RECOVERY-SABOTAGING BEHAVIOURS ARE WHERE I BECOME MORE CONFUSED

Exercising has been big in my life. Do I over-exercise? I don’t know. What quantifies over-exercise?

In the book’s list of 11 signs of compulsive exercise, I can reasonably say I tick eight boxes. But only just and not every day. I know, I know – that’s denial and justification. This is definitely an area I’m working on, making progress and still have some psychological work to do.

My normal exercise behaviour has been to attend a one-hour gym session five times per week. I used to do five sessions per week plus a one-two hour walk each day. Is that too much? I don’t know. For a number of reasons, I’ve now dropped the gym to twice a week. It seems to be a number lots of healthy people do so I hope it is psychologically and physically healthy.

WHEN I’M NOT EXERCISING, I’M LAZY

Some days I sit on my butt so long I’m afraid I’ll get bedsores. I don’t have an active job or an active lifestyle. In the past, I did a lot of hiking purely for pleasure. Now I’m rehabilitating damaged ankles so pleasurable exercise is gone. Maybe it will come back. Maybe it won’t. For now, balanced exercise is something I’m figuring out. In this case, I’m a work in progress.

We guarantee you will be so much happier if you stop comparing yourself to others and learn to accept and value yourself for who you are inside.

I have body-checking behaviours that are hard to let go – measuring myself with clothes or jewellery. Negatively assessing myself in the mirror. I’ve cleansed my wardrobe of everything that doesn’t fit – which filled two large suitcases and left me sobbing for two days. Key six talks about disposing of those clothes, as hanging onto them is an inspiration to eat less. There are thousands of dollars zipped into those suitcases and I find them hard to let go. Clothes hold memories and emotions so disposing isn’t easy. I’m coming to terms with my new body size and I hope to let go of old reminders soon. I don’t have that courage today.

Changing behaviours seems like an obvious and simple thing to do. I’m sure people from the outside looking in just think, eat more, have a good cry, distract yourself, go for a nice walk, buy a new frock, chill out, accept yourself. It’s probably stating the bleeding obvious, but if I could do those things, I would. Developing maladaptive coping mechanisms is a coping mechanism. Take away the coping mechanism and there’s not much left. Changing behaviour is not just about taking something away, it’s about replacing it with something else. And that is a process.

ONE DAY I WOKE UP

In a literal sense, I wake up every day. Whether I want to face the day or not. But in a psychological sense, everything changed for me a few months ago.

In 2017 I did an online course for bulimia recovery. One of the girls was a recovered anorexic/bulimic and was doing the course for maintenance – she had most of the stuff nailed already.

Eating disorder behaviour isn’t about ignorance – we all know how to eat properly. Rather, it’s a coping mechanism that is extremely hard to let go of and the thought of not using ED behaviours is, quite frankly, terrifying. If I’m not numb, what will happen? But this girl had transformed from full-on eating disorder patient to completely recovered.

I WANTED TO KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED

All the logic in the world cannot make you recover – whatever it is you need to recover from. If you know you need recovery, you know what you need to do. But there’s a mental block that just stops you crossing over that line. I wanted to know how to cross that block. What was her inspiration for taking that step?

This beautiful red-headed girl in bare feet and a flowing orange skirt was so comfortable in her own skin. She gently embraced who she was. I wanted to know how she moved from body obsession to body acceptance. I wanted what she had. So I asked her how it happened.

I just woke up one day and decided to change

I found that to be perfectly useless information. Just waking up and being different was not something I could consciously control. I can research and learn and find out all the tips and tricks and tools of the trade. I can control my thoughts to some degree. But changing my heart is not a controlled process.

I don’t know about your coping mechanisms. How you work through great distress and small emotional challenges. Perhaps you were taught these skills as a child. Perhaps you’re not highly sensitive to your physical and psychological environment. But imagine just for a moment, that you have to give up the only thing that helps you cope with the ebbs and flows of life. How do you do it? How do you consistently learn to live a new life without your coping strategy?

YOU JUST WAKE UP ONE DAY

That’s what has happened to me. I’ve struggled with eating disorder thoughts and behaviours my entire life. But the rapid escalation began in 2015. For five years I’ve been knee-deep in self-destructive, numbing, obliterating behaviours. I had three stints in psychiatric hospitals. I’ve damaged relationships and lost my career. I’m not the same person I was and I never will be.

But I kept trying to rally and do all the things my support network gently urged me to do. My hands were often willing, but my heart was not. So for every two steps forward, there was at least one step back. But one day – not so long ago – I woke up and felt, enough. This is enough. I concede defeat.

• I will eat whatever I like, whenever I like, without guilt or shame
• I will stop trying to lose weight
• I will accept how I look, even when I don’t like it
• I will not compensate for anything I’ve eaten
• I will care about my health and nutrition
• I will move my body for physical health and enjoyment
• I will let people see me eat

This isn’t rocket science. I always knew what I needed to do. I just couldn’t feel it. Now I do. I wake up every morning and when my belly starts to rumble, I eat breakfast. Three or four hours later I notice a bit of emptiness so I make lunch. In the afternoon I get bored and procrastinate so I cook a piece of toast. Of an evening I share a meal with my husband. I eat two pieces of chocolate after dinner every night. I’m never really hungry and I’m rarely really full.

THEY CALL IT INTUITIVE EATING

Follow your body’s cues. Accept that some days there is more nutritional content than others. Eat for pleasure and leisure with friends and family. Perhaps these are things you naturally do. They probably are – most people don’t have an eating disorder. But for me, they’re miraculous concepts and just a couple of months back the miracle struck me and here I am – feeling like I’m firmly treading the recovery path in a way I’ve never done before.

It’s not perfect. While I no longer purge or self-harm or restrict or try to work off calories, I also eat when I’m bored or choose delicious over nutritious sometimes. But now that I allow myself to eat whatever and whenever, most of the time I want to eat food that satisfies both hunger and health. Of course, I was told this would happen, but you have to be ready. Some things can’t be forced. I have learned a lot in five years.

So what my gentle, peace-loving red-headed friend in the long flowing skirt taught me, is that continuing to pursue recovery is always worthwhile. It may be frustrating to spend years accruing all the knowledge with little result, but when the day comes that your heart catches up, you’re well equipped to make the change.

In 2020 I sunk to my lowest low and six months later I found my real recovery. I will still never be the person I was, but that’s okay.

DRIVING ME NUTS: STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING RLS IN A CAR

I recently returned from a short mid-week break. It was most delightful – filled with penguins, lighthouses and wine. What’s not to like?

The driving restlessness is not likeable.

In order to go away for a delightful break, I have to get there. And that involves some sort of transportation – in this case, a car. Just thinking about having to travel in a vehicle induces an anxiety response – increased heart rate, shallow breathing, messy headspace and a nervous jiggle.

The dreaded passenger seat

If I’m driving I usually find the restlessness is negligible and manageable. But when I’m the passenger, things change.

The cramped space guarantees an increase in restless legs syndrome (RLS) symptoms – twitches, cramps and creepy-crawly skin sensations. It’s unpleasant at the best of times, but in a confined space the fidgeting escalates.

To continue reading please visit:

https://restlesslegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net/living/car-travel-tips/

Image and links courtesy of Health Union and restlegssyndrome.sleep-disorders.net