There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

IT IS ABOUT THE FOOD

If you don’t change your relationship with food, you cannot recover

I can’t really express how excited I am to share this key with you. It’s the first time I’ve got to key five. While key three emphasised that eating disorders are not about food, key five emphasises that the relationship with food has to change. It may seem contradictory, but it’s not. I don’t like sharing great chunks of the book as it’s not my content to give away for free, but this resonates so strongly with me.

THE THIN COMMANDMENTS

• If you aren’t thin, you aren’t attractive
• Being thin is more important than being healthy, more important than anything
• You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself and do anything to make yourself look thinner
• Thou shall “earn” all food and shall not eat without feeling guilty
• Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards
• Thou shall count calories and fat and restrict intake accordingly
• What the scale says is the most important thing
• Losing weight is good and gaining weight is bad
• You can’t trust what other people say about your weight
• Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success

I would speculate that every eating disordered person identifies with most of these. I’ve certainly identified with every single one at various different times.

Food rules are commonplace but get out of hand with eating disorders. You probably have food rules – whether or not they’re a problem is not for me to determine. Intermittent fasting is a food rule. Low carbs or no sugar is a food rule. Veganism is a food rule. These rules might be perfectly healthy and okay for a non-eating disordered person but they’re problematic and best avoided if you’re in recovery from an eating disorder.

My food rules are scattered throughout my memoir.

• 01. Hide food for later
• 02. Steal food when no-one’s looking
• 03. If I see it, I must eat it
• 05. Eat so fast that nobody notices
• 08. If I eat today I can’t eat tomorrow
• 13. Only consume liquids
• 21. Only eat vegetables
• 34. If I eat, I must exercise
• 55. Only consume diet shakes
• 89. If I eat, I purge
• 144. If I eat, I self-harm
• 233. Don’t eat food
• 377. Only eat when I’m told to
• 610. Take teeny tiny nibbles
• 987. Only eat what others eat
• 1597. Only eat at night
• 2584. Eat three meals and three snacks per day
• 4181. Don’t purge
• 6765. Forgive relapses
• 10,946. Eat intuitively

I’m not making this shit up. These are the rules that evolved over my lifetime. They were, for the most part, entirely founded on a fear of getting fat (which equates to being not good enough) and the rules had zero flexibility. All or nothing, go for gold. While knowing full well that nobody else lives by this standard and that “temporary change brings temporary results.” But an eating disorder is nothing if not illogical.

Look at the last four. They’ve been my food rules since I came home in May, with very little (not quite zero…) relapse. I’m working on number 10,946 but honestly, I feel so close. Change is upon me. That’s why I’m doing these keys.

My goal now is intuitive eating

Which you probably intuitively do if you’ve never had a poor relationship with food. Effectively, I now eat the old-fashioned way – three main meals and snacks if I’m hungry. I try not to stress about the “goodness” or “badness” of food – although letting go of that is taking time. Some days my intake is more nutrient-dense than other days. I’d like my nutrient-dense days to increase but I’m also not sure if that’s the shadow of ED voice calling out and panicking. But I know my angst around food has, for the most part, disappeared.

As far as your weight is concerned, there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” food

This is so hard for society to come to terms with. We believe eating cheesecake is bad and eating salad is good. It isn’t true. Salad is more nutrient-dense but when it comes to calories, 300 is 300. If you eat 300 calories your body will recognise 300 calories regardless of the source. Breaking the good/bad mindset is so tricky, especially when the entire world judges food. In the clinic I learned giving yourself permission to have a splurge at every meal, soon stops the desire to have a splurge at every meal. There’s something about “permission” that instigates obsession and rebellion. If I don’t have permission, I want it. Don’t you? But if I can have it whenever I feel like it, and I’m eating intuitively, then my body won’t always feel like it. My body will naturally crave a variety of nutrients because that’s what it was designed to do. While I’ve always known this intellectually, physically I’m now discovering this to be true.

The thermostat that tells us the endpoints, hungry or full, is broken and it is reset in the process of recovery

This is so true for me. A friend once said her only wish (in relation to recovery) was for me to recognise hunger. I didn’t know what it was. My body could be in starvation mode and there was no signal. I could have eaten enough food to feed a small army and there was still room for more. I was so anxious and afraid of every morsel, and I’d done it for so long, that I could no longer recognise what my body needed. I don’t know if my body ever knew. Now I’m learning those signals. I haven’t nailed it, but I know this morning my stomach rumbled so I ate porridge, but then sometimes I procrastinate-eat when I’m not hungry. I’m working on replacing procrastination habits with something healthier.

If you keep your weight goal as the driving force in your life, you will not be able to discontinue behaviours that interfere with your recovery.

Scales. The dreaded scales. I would like to be given a gold star for what I’m about to tell you – this is one of the rare occasions where I feel proud of myself.

For most of my life, I stood upon the scales of justice – letting an arbitrary number determine the value of my life. Then, on Thursday 18 May 2017, I disposed of those scales for good. I’ve had a handful of weak moments since then, but I soon realise how damaging it is. I’m now used to not weighing or letting a number determine how my day will be. Although sometimes I still struggle with other ways of weighing – like measuring clothes and jewellery on me.

The biggest, and most recent, change is an acceptance that I must choose between losing weight and recovery – I can’t have both. For so long, I chose losing weight. Now I’m choosing recovery.

A weight loss goal is incompatible with recovery.

Weight loss and/or gain may be a byproduct of the recovery process, but it cannot be a goal. And that my friend, is what has happened to me and why I feel I’m on the recovery road. I accept my body size, even when I don’t like it. There are lots of things I don’t like in life that I accept – this is just one more. I’m fit and healthy and well and if this is the natural body size and shape I end up with, well so be it. It’s not pretty but it works.

If I can maintain the recovery road and venture into the world of “recovered” (I think I’ve got a way to go for that) then perhaps my weight will be different. I’m learning to be okay with that either way. It sounds impossible but it’s true. I will write more on this later in the week.

It may seem peculiar for me to be doing all these keys then claiming to be able to do each one already – I don’t know why I couldn’t work harder on them when I was more unwell. But perhaps I needed to be halfway there in order to do them at all. I don’t know. But for today, I’m grateful to have finally (after three years) completed key five.