There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD

Simply creating a meal plan or gaining weight won’t cure an eating disorder.

Carolyn Costin

Key three is about exploring the reasons behind developing an eating disorder and a great many factors come into play.

I’m tired of demonising my mother but it remains a fact she disapproved of my body before I was even born. I was a fat baby and she didn’t like it. “I’m going to have to watch her weight,” she wrote when I was three days old. And she did. You really only need one or two key people in your life to teach you that your value is not in your physical appearance. I didn’t have those people. There’s a difference between health and beauty. I was raised to believe beauty is more important than health and only one body type is okay – super skinny and athletic. I still find myself wanting to become thinner and thinner and to become beautiful just to get mum’s approval – and she died in 2009.

Now that it’s well known I have an eating disorder, people tell me I look fine just the way I am. But for the first 50 years of my life, they either said nothing because I was fat and they didn’t want to be rude, or if I’d lost weight they would comment on the fact I’d lost it and say congratulations. It’s hard to reconcile that my body is acceptable to anybody.

As a musician, I worked with so many young girls and always strived to teach them that when performing we display our strengths (emphasising the fact everyone has strengths) and when practising we work on the things that are not so strong. I think the same can be said for body image. There have been so many campaigns criticising the overuse of photoshopped images and anorexic models that I’m learning to look at an image in a magazine almost like a cartoon or a barbie doll. It’s not real. It’s just a random person’s ideal.

We all have personality traits that can be used for the better and in this key, the authors look at the flip side of the coin for traits considered negative. Perfectionistic becomes precise. Obsessive is thorough and anxious becomes high-energy. I fit under the heading of most of the liabilities and if I focus just hard enough, I might turn them all into assets. Impulsive=spontaneous. Stubborn=determined. Controlling=directive. Compulsive=driven.

Most healthy people have a line that they will not cross in order to change their body, no matter how badly they feel about it.

I don’t have that line.

This key identifies 14 “real issues” that people with an eating disorder are probably trying to deal with when engaged in eating disorder behaviours. At one time or another, all of these statements have felt true. This is why I have had an eating disorder.

I’m afraid of myself and of being out of control | I’m not worthy | People don’t like me | I can’t trust my own judgments or make decisions | When I was binging or throwing I didn’t think about anything else | I need something that distracts me from my thoughts and feelings | Something is missing in my life and I tried to fill it with my eating disorder | I feel empty inside and binging took me away from that temporarily | Eating fills up my emptiness | I will be happy and successful if I am thin | Thinner people are happier | I have to be thin to be attractive and desirable | Losing weight will solve all my problems | I’m either fat or thin | I’m either perfect or a failure | If I can’t win or be the best, I won’t try | I can only achieve a good body through my eating disorder | Restricting was a real achievement, mind over matter, literally | I don’t know who I would be without my eating disorder | My eating disorder helped me feel in control of my ‘out-of-controlness’ | My eating disorder is the one thing no-one has control over but me | I feel powerless most of the time, except when it comes to my eating disorder | It was powerful to be able to resist food, like a saint or monk | I finally felt respected from my peers when I lost weight | I wanted to be admired and tried restricting to lose weight, but I couldn’t do it, so I had to throw up | People respected my ability to resist food | I don’t know how to express my anger, so I binged and purged | I felt like I swallowed my feelings when I binged | I can’t deal with conflict or confrontation so I resort to my eating disorder | Restricting helped me shut down and deny my feelings | My eating disorder was a ‘special world’ created to keep all the ‘bad’ out | If I follow my own imposed rules, it helps me feel safe | My eating disorder helped me get taken care of without asking for help | I don’t trust anybody; I used my eating disorder as my best friend | I’m constantly comparing myself to everyone | I’m terrified of being fat | I’m terrified of being deprived | I’m terrified of being deprived and of being fat

PHEW! THAT’S A LONG LIST

Thankfully not all of those statements apply to me now. But many still do. I’m a work in progress.

I learned acceptance and approval is based on physical appearance and physical appearance must be skinny, “You can never be too rich or too thin,” and I learned eating food numbs emotions. I have no recollection of “normal” eating. I have no recollection of a time when my food wasn’t controlled by someone, criticised by someone or when my body shape and size weren’t connected to what I was eating. I remember being offered money to lose weight when I was 12 (failed). I remember being sent to weight watchers when I was 15 then sent to the piggy corner when I didn’t lose weight. I remember stealing food when I was very young (8?) and hiding biscuits under my pillow. I remember dipping my fingers into cheesecake or dessert and hoping nobody would notice. I remember starting strict diets when I was about 17. I remember purging when I was about 22.

The first time in my life someone told me they were proud of me I was 35 years old and I’d lost 35kg. Like most women, every time I lost weight I received messages of positive reinforcement. “You look great! You must be so thrilled!” And somewhere along the way I developed an identity with the eating disorder and feel like it is part of me. Taking it away is like chopping off an arm.

Having an eating disorder has been a very useful weight-loss tool and incredibly effective at numbing emotions and avoiding life. But the older you get, the heavier the price you pay – physically, psychologically and emotionally – that needs to be weighed (pun intended) up against the benefits. So no – an eating disorder is not about the food.