It is a curious thing that I feel the need to justify my decision to go to church. I have never a written a post called, Why I go to the supermarket. And yet spiritual things are often vilified – be it Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Paganism, Hinduism or even Atheism. Everyone seems to be on a side, pointing fingers at the other team.
I DON’T THINK THAT’S HOW SPIRITUALITY IS SUPPOSED TO WORK
It is well documented within my blog that in recent years I developed mental health issues culminating in multiple breakdowns. Not the most stellar moments of my life if I’m being brutally honest. But still – it is what it is.
Since the beginning of 2015, I have been on a journey of recovery – from depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and eating disorders. It has been a journey of many failures but in the past 15 months, I have been on a generally upward trajectory. Part of that healing has been spiritual.
When you’re mentally unwell there are many things to heal – physically, psychologically and spiritually. Doctors treat the physical and therapists treat the psychological. But who treats the spiritual? I have had to figure that out by myself. Relying on my own strength was not enough. Through a period of curiosity, I slowly developed a willingness to believe in the unknowable.
PEOPLE DON’T BECOME MENTALLY UNWELL BECAUSE THEY’RE WEAK
Some of the strongest people I have ever met experience profound depths of psychological despair. It requires the most enormous amount of strength to simply keep going. For me, there came a time where I could no longer rely on my own strength to pursue recovery and it was then that I became willing to explore the possibility of God.
During my darkest days and long before I had any kind of faith, I had called out to God in desperation. I think when all feels lost, many people reach out with the last thread of hope they have. Mindfulness is a keyword in the therapies I pursue and as it turns out, prayer is a wonderful form of mindfulness.
When I travelled through Europe for three months I was free from the daily cares and stresses that so often hold us back. I had time to think. I was also coincidentally tracking the history of Christianity through our travels and as I bathed in the Jordan River, I had a gentle spiritual awakening. There was a sense of mental peace and a feeling that it was okay to believe differently to everyone else in my world. It was actually none of their fucking business.
SOME PEOPLE DEVELOP A SPIRITUAL AWARENESS WITHOUT EVER BELIEVING IN GOD
Some people nurture their spiritual being through a belief in God, but not a form of organised religion. And some people come to believe in God and nestle that faith within the construct of a traditional religious practice. That’s me.
I have had three powerful, out of body experiences with God and when doubts creep in, I remember how real those experiences felt and how they changed me. I feel no pressing need to defend my belief in God, miracles and Jesus. It is hard to defend faith with fact but for me personally, it seems unnecessary. I have no desire to convert anybody to anything, this is my journey.
When it comes to the politics of religion, I am willfully turning a blind eye. We all know the dreadful things done by religions of every shape and size. Atrocities committed over centuries. Corruption. Money grabbing. Sexual misconduct. Racism, misogyny, homophobia. The same can be said for governments and big corporations. Probably plenty of small corporations too. But I don’t attend church at a corporate level. I am a small blade of grass, interacting with Christianity at a grassroots level.
AND I LIKE IT HERE
I don’t need church to anchor my faith – I have it regardless of where I am and who I’m with. But in my grassroots level experience of church I have found a wonderful sense of community. I have met a lively pastor with a bouncy disposition and a big heart. Each week there is a message about everyday living and human experiences – a message clothed in scripture. And when I am in church I feel the presence of God.
While my church adheres to the policy that no one stands alone, I choose to sit alone, right up the back, so I can be surrounded by spirit, not people. I listen and pray and I almost always cry. If I want prayer there is an abundance of kind shoulders to cry upon.
As much as I would never have believed this ten years ago, I enjoy going to church. It is something to look forward to on Sunday mornings. If I come face to face with bigotry and corruption I may change my mind and look for spiritual solace elsewhere. But in the meantime I have found most of the people at the grassroots level are just like me – they’re searching for a little meaning and they want the world to be a kinder place. We all just want to be better people and going to church brings me comfort.