I so want to write an inspirational, positive post today. But that would be a lie. And I don’t like lying.

I have so many positives happening in my life right now – it is a pretty cruisey experience to be honest.

WHICH IS GOOD – I LIKE CRUISEY

I feel so well – mentally, emotionally, physically – and when you’re 55 years old there’s a lot to be said for good health. It should never be taken for granted. I also have a couple of positive opportunities appearing in my world right now, which may or may not result in exciting things but regardless, opportunities are always a blessing and I’m grateful.

But simultaneous to all this positivity, I have been triggered. (I am learning to hate that word.) You would think after all this time that I would be used to managing difficult emotions and situations, but a small incident has flipped me on my head and my eating disorder is struggling. Well, let’s be honest here – today it is winning.

I am long past compensatory behaviours – it is about a year since I last purged and even that was an aberration. Regular purging has not been a part of my life for a couple of years. Ditto for self-harm. It hasn’t been a smooth ride for dropping either of those coping mechanisms but they feel like past history for me. Which is a good thing. Right?! I cannot promise what tomorrow will hold, none of us can, but for today I am confident I am done with purging and self-harm.

But the body image stuff I’ve been banging on about for months is still rearing its nasty little head.

FOR A BRIEF MOMENT IN TIME, I FELT COMFORTABLE IN MY BODY

Almost. Perhaps comfortable is the wrong word but I was very accepting of where things were. And I was definitely confident that living in a larger body was the preferable alternative to living with an eating disorder. I still believe that in my head, but my heart is ruling right now. I am not at home in my body and a few small things happened in a row and then I had a mental flip-out.

I don’t feel like I’m mentally unwell – perhaps that’s called denial? I don’t know. I’m not the best person to make that decision. But my mood is not low and I feel stable. My anxiety has been very well controlled for a long time. So much so that my psychologist has commented numerous times on how noticeable the difference is. My startle reflex is a lot less startling. But in the past week, I’ve reverted to old eating disorder behaviours and all the arguments in my head aren’t heading in a positive direction right now.

I’M SURE THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Things always change. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Life is a complicated, flowy experience and nothing stands still. I know this. I have been in this place before and things changed. I have been in much, much darker places and things changed.

I left the clinic on Monday 11 May 2020. It was like a post-apocalyptic world with the chaos that is covid enveloping the world. But for me, it was a positive day. The day my life began to take shape and the day I really started to recover – from depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and an eating disorder. Things really have improved since then but still – it’s not a flawless process and sometimes I wonder if these things will plague me for a lifetime. Always just sitting in the back of my mind, waiting for an opportunity to spring forth.

I think it is important to point out that behaviour is different to emotion. It is rarely feasible to change emotions, stress or trauma, but with time we can learn different behavioural strategies to cope. And it is those coping strategies I have worked on the most.

BUT I AM NOT PERFECT

As my grandmother liked to point out every time she saw me. Striving for perfectionism has not served me well in the past so I am trying to learn a lot of forgiveness for myself. And in the current situation I find myself in, self-recrimination will not help. All I can do is keep seeking out healthier coping strategies and remember to believe in myself. My greatest coping strategy has always been writing. So here I am – sharing my upside-down view of the world from my fallen perch.