MIRRORED
I can’t see myself. Not really. Not as other’s see me. I think that perhaps, this is a more common occurrence than one might think. In order to find any sense of self worth, I try to see myself mirrored in other people’s eyes. Specifically, in the eyes of the people who care about me.
When visible love is completely absent, you feel inherently unlovable
That is what my life was like when I was growing up. Well provided for with physical comfort, but emotionally (unintentionally) completely neglectful.
You know when you have kids and you go to the play centre with them? And it’s noisy and teeming with little people running around with their effervescent energy? And there are slides, and ball pits, and dress ups, and little miniature shopping trolleys filled with plushy vegetables with smiling faces?
When you’re watching your little person in that sea of boundless enthusiasm and carefree adventures, you look at them and realise they’re just the most beautiful one there. You stare at them with a heart bursting with love and wonder if all the other parents are also staring in awe at how perfect your little person is. With their bright eyes and innocent face and little chubby arms clothed in unicorns, or monster trucks, or fairies, or dinosaurs.
You see nothing but unadulterated beauty
I did not grow up with that kind of unconditional love. Nobody ever looked at me like I was beautiful. I grew up in the 70s when it was common for mothers to be overly critical and fathers to be absent. I was given roles but I was never looked at is if I held any inherent value. While in the same space, many others were praised in my presence for their natural gifts that made them pleasing to the eye through our societal constructs of beauty.
Instead I grew up in an environment where beauty was a currency and as I did not have any of that in the eyes of my caretakers, I was considered to be lacking in value. I never ever felt as if I mattered to anyone. Without a sense of value there is very little sense of purpose.
Now I look for myself in others
I am very fortunate. I have grown to have a circle of people who love me. I have found these treasures in so many different and unexpected places. Sometimes their love is visible but mostly it’s just nestled comfortably and unspoken in their hearts. While I doubt myself with routine regularity, I don’t doubt my circle. They have shown me loyalty and commitment again and again. They see my value not in a dress size, skin type or hair style, but rather in the conversations we have, the meals we share, the holidays we take, and the mountains we climb. In their presence, I can feel valuable not in the way I look, but in who I am at my core.
But childhood lessons never really leave
No matter how much I try to discard the trappings of my youth, beauty still feels like a currency to me. And when I look in the bathroom mirror the unspoken words are unkind. I do not like what I see. Through many versions of many therapies over many years I have come to accept that reflection as a reality and endeavoured to separate physical appearance from value. Acceptance can juxtapositionally exist with something that I don’t necessarily like. It just simply is.
I have a girlfriend now
It is a lovely thing to have. And in her eyes I can see beauty. I watch her face and try to mirror those images back to myself. To understand myself in the way I am interpreted by somebody else. I am, apparently, valuable to her on many levels.
Without the mirror of other people’s eyes, it is nigh on impossible for me to have any sense of who I am. I hold core moral values that exist outside of other people’s perception of me. And I have myriad personality traits that I was born with. But I retain little sense of identity without a community to latch those feelings onto.
Whether I am with strangers or my nearest and dearest, I perpetually seek validation in the interactions we have. I want to belong and in order to do that, I need to feel seen in their eyes. And when they see me as beautiful that mirror is a wonder to behold. For the beauty is not the aforementioned societal construct but a way of saying, I see you. I love you. You have value to me. And then, just for a moment in time that mirror helps me feel valuable. And that sends warm, tingly tendrils of self worth scurrying through my veins. Being mirrored in the eyes of the people who love me helps me belong.
Belonging feels awesome.
