I’ve gained weight. I would hazard a guess that most people don’t want to gain weight, but when you’re recovering from an eating disorder it’s especially hard. The eating disorder wasn’t entirely about weight, but it was a big part of it. For me at least. I have an intense fear of gaining weight and being overweight and now both have happened.
I’ve been absent. Absent from so many things in my life. One of the key components of my recovery has been writing. Since 2016 I’ve been writing up a storm. I couldn’t even hazard a guess at the number of words that have dribbled out of these fingers in the past five years. But let’s just say it includes 390 blog posts, 40 insomnia articles, an awful lot of journal entries and one whole book. Amongst other things.
Once upon a time, I was a whole egg. My runny, gooey insides were safely cocooned in a solid, outer shell. I felt whole. Then I fell off my perch and the shell cracked. The soggy, fragile contents spilled out and there was nothing holding me together. I was a mess.
I think when most people think of chronic illness they think of diseases like cancer, arthritis or multiple sclerosis. Or conditions such as fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. I feel like it’s important to point out that mental illness is also a chronic illness – it occurs again and again for a long time.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’m not sure who “they” are, but sometimes I feel that absence means the heart grew sicker. Writing is my cathartic outlet so when I stop writing I know something is going on.
Make a cup of tea, put your feet up and join us for our chat. Let me know what you think!
Today is my 55th birthday. You would think by now I would feel like a grown-up. I don’t. I feel like an awkward teenager who still doesn’t quite know what to do with her life but is now stuck in a creaky, crinkly body.
Well it’s been a busy month or two – I think I can safely say that. Dad’s deteriorating health then his death. And organising the celebration of his life. All very time consuming and emotionally draining affairs. The decision to do a presales campaign for my book. Launching it, promoting it and tying up the loose ends. All very time consuming, exciting and nerve wracking.
Everything in life is transitory – the good, the bad. The ugly, the beautiful. Nothing lasts and my father’s demise and death […]
I have Bipolar II Disorder. Apparently. Or not. Who can tell? It’s not like you can take a blood test and all is revealed. But I exhibit many of the traits and sometimes a label is handy. And sometimes it is not. But there’s one thing that can be said for sure. I am emotionally dysregulated
I invite you to look at my campaign, subscribe to it, share it, and if you would consider it – preordering a copy so I can get this message out into the world.
Over the past two years I have been penning words and putting together my memoir – Stalked by Demons | Guarded by Angels: The Girl with the Eating Disorder. I AM NOW AT THE SCARY END OF THE PROCESS
On a personal and a global level, I think it can be categorically said, 2020 was a really, really shit year. Globally, […]
I’ve been recovering for six months now. Just over. And I guess the difference between actively seeking recovery and actually recovering is the associated behaviours. It may seem blindingly obvious, but changing eating disorder behaviours is really fucking hard. It’s taken me years of psychological therapies to put into practice the very things that make perfect, logical sense. But here I am – putting stuff into practice for six months now. More if you count my time in the clinic where I was forced to be healthy.
I don’t know if my official mental health diagnosis is bipolar II – or not. There appears to be no consensus on anything aside from the fact I have emotional dysregulation and severe insomnia issues. In my opinion, those two things are more than enough to make anybody go crazy. But mental health diagnosis or not, my life is full of highs and lows.
