They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’m not sure who “they” are, but sometimes I feel that absence means the heart grew sicker. Writing is my cathartic outlet so when I stop writing I know something is going on.

Trouble is, I don’t always know what the problem is.

It is over a year since I was admitted into the psychiatric clinic and for the most part I’ve just gone from strength to strength. The first couple of months out were wobbly but gradually the mood stabilising medications stabilised and I developed a new normal – one that didn’t involve eating disorder behaviours or self harm.

I WAS MAKING PROGRESS

Then dad became very ill and eventually died. I think a lot of people were watching to see if I would fall apart at that point – after all, I’d been saying for several years that he was my strongest tether to this earth. I didn’t fall apart. I was both relieved and devastated.

My father is the single most lovely human being I have ever known and not having him in my life is so, so sad. But he was also an elderly man and death comes to us all. I grieved more in the weeks prior to his death than I did after. Friends ask me how I’m doing since he died and I respond with absolute honesty – I’m doing really well.

So why am I struggling so much these past few  weeks?

I’m experiencing what I can only describe as mental fatigue. And it’s flowing over into physical fatigue. Everything is an effort. Talking to people wears me out. I’m spending all my days tucked up in bed, working from my phone and developing bedsores on my arse.

THIS IS NOT MY FINEST HOUR

I have a private journal where I write letter after letter to offload my niggly little worries. Where I turn every mountain back into a mole hill. It helps. It definitely helps. But writing here is my healthiest outlet. I’m not sure why you’ve become my safe place to explore but you have. So thank you.

I’m holding onto eating disorder recovery. Just. Every day I follow the number one golden rule – eat three meals. Without fail. No excuses. No backing out. No compensatory behaviours. It doesn’t matter if I’m still full from yesterday, I eat three meals.

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I ATE CAKE FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH & DINNER

My golden rule keeps me on track when everything else falls by the wayside.

Most of the time I eat pretty well but the past week while I’ve been tucked up in bed trying to recover from a weekend of peopling, I’ve eaten a lot of cake and cereal in lieu of proper food. I have no sense of pride in sharing that information but it is what it is. At least I haven’t restricted, which is the first big step down the slippery slope.

Not only am I all peopled out but I continue to struggle with purpose. It has been a pretty big issue in my life for five years now. Why am I here? Which is not code for suicidal ideation – I think a lot of people struggle with this question at different times. I just seem to have struggled with it fairly consistently for five years now.

When I lost my career I lost my purpose.

I have my book and that is coming along. I am in the final stages of setting up a publishing deal and when that’s done I’ll be creating a very excited post about where to next.

But I think I’m pondering a much deeper philosophical question.

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?

Of my life? Different people come up with different ideas for me, but that’s their idea. I need my own.

For now my goal is to allow myself to rest without feeling guilt (I’m struggling with the guilt part). And to remind myself that everything passes. Feeling mentally fatigued and worn out is not a permanent state of affairs.

A few weeks from now I’ll be filled with a boundless energy I can’t contain. Maybe – that’s what’s happened in the past. But if I hang onto the old 12 step principle of “one day at a time” and marry it to my favourite quote, “this too shall pass,” then I can allow myself to nest in my bed, eating three meals a day and ponder where to next in my life.

I’ve been absent from my blog but it’s time I resurfaced. Watch this space.