I feel like it is time for me to come to terms with the fact I’m living with chronic illness.

Chronic: [adjective] continuing or occurring again and again for a long time

I think when most people think of chronic illness they think of diseases like cancer, arthritis or multiple sclerosis. Or conditions such as fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. I feel like it’s important to point out that mental illness is also a chronic illness – it occurs again and again for a long time.

When I spent the first fifty years of my life living with excellent health and wellness I had no idea that I would one day be dealing with chronic mental health issues. No idea whatsoever.

IN FACT I STILL THINK IT’S NOT TRUE

But it is. The past few weeks of burnout have shown me I have limitations that weren’t previously there. A weekend of socialising at a church conference has left me barely able to get out of bed or brush my teeth.

Have you heard of Spoon Theory? Originally developed by Christine Miserandino, it is a metaphor that succinctly describes the amount of energy expended each day on tasks and activities. When you live with a chronic illness, you have fewer spoons than the average person.

Perhaps it sounds feeble to someone experiencing excellent physical and mental health. Good for you. I’m happy for you. For those of us not experiencing excellent physical and/or mental health, it can soften the blow of the expectations we place upon ourselves. Brushing my teeth is 1/12 of my daily energy quota. Working is currently beyond my capacity. If I do all the one and two spoon things, there are no spoons left. This is why my vacuum cleaner is dusty and there is a colony of daddy-long-legs living in my stairwell.

I am secretly hoping this is a passing phase in my life. That one day in the not too distant future my daily spoon count will once again increase. But for now, trying to push myself to do more than my body is fully capable of is not doing me any favours.

My current mental health state is not particularly awful – I’m not engaging in previously common maladaptive behaviours or eating disorder practices. I haven’t experienced suicidal ideation for a long, long time. Depression and anxiety are my daily buddies but they travel behind me at a discreet distance. Regardless – right now I struggle. And I cannot find a particular defining event that has made me struggle at this point in time.

PERHAPS THERE DOESN’T NEED TO BE A REASON

I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder when I was in the clinic last year. This diagnosis has been questioned but has always felt kind of right to me. I think if bipolar sat on a spectrum (perhaps it does) I’m not at the pointy end – which is why it is hard to pinpoint exactly for me. But assuming I am prone to fluctuating from high to low mood, then my current physical malaise could well be a reflection of a low mood cycle. Which means I am looking forward to the high cycle that should be just around the corner. Then I’ll have 50 spoons a day to play with.

Until then, I need to pat myself on the back for cleaning the toilets and pegging out the washing. Writing a blog post is icing on the cake. That makes for a great day.