Everything in life is transitory – the good, the bad. The ugly, the beautiful. Nothing lasts and my father’s demise and death is confirmation of that.
Throughout the last months of his life, and declining health, I’ve been actively seeking to publish my book and as anyone who reads my blog knows, I’ve started a presales campaign to support the publishing process.
I NEVER INTENDED FOR THE CAMPAIGN TO COINCIDE WITH MY FATHER’S DEATH
And yet it did. So I found myself sitting by my father’s bedside, holding his hand and silently sharing our love for each other, while just moments before or after I was involved in an interview for the promotion of my book.
He was intensely interested in how things were going for my book campaign and if he’d been alive long enough, I know he would have proudly supported me. Instead, he got to listen to me excitedly telling him about the campaign progress or the latest interview.
ON WEDNESDAY 27 JANUARY AT 5:40AM, I DID A BREAKFAST RADIO INTERVIEW
Ryk Goddard and I have known each other for 20 years so it was an easy thing to chat to him as the sun was rising. Disappearing from the hospital for 30 minutes wasn’t so easy but I trusted dad would remain stable in that time frame. And he did. I told him all about the interview when I came back but by then he was very much unconscious. I like to tell myself he was listening and cheering me on. I can hear his voice now, dripping with pride and encouragement.
If you’d like to listen and cheer me on, forward through to the six minute mark to hear Ryk and I have a morning chat about living with mental health issues in modern day times.
A COUPLE OF HOURS AFTER THE BREAKFAST INTERVIEW I DID A PODCAST WITH MOYRA GORSKI
Moyra hosts the Juggling the Chaos of Recovery Podcast which focuses on all types of addiction but in particular, those impacted by eating disorders. We had such a lovely chat! The podcast is still in the editing phase but watch this space – it will be worth listening to when it’s live!
A couple of hours after that – bearing in mind my father is in a coma in the adjacent room – I attended an online meeting for businesswomen. WESOS is the Women Entrepreneurs Secrets of Success Facebook group and it was such a joy to chat with all the amazing women from all walks of life. There are so many of us out there looking for a chance to make a difference – one way or another.
A week later – when I was knee-deep in funeral preparations – another opportunity came my way.
FIONA MANSFIELD INTERVIEWED ME ON HER ONE MOMENT PLEASE PODCAST
She has quite a fascinating podcast where she interviews all sorts of people who have come out the other side of something. It was a pretty epic 90 minutes. It’s a long chat for sure, but personally, I think it’s worth having a good long listen. Sit down with your feet up and a nice cup of tea and have a listen to Fiona and I chatting about the realities of living with complex mental health issues.
Throughout all the ups and downs of the past month – the devastation at losing my much-loved father, relief he is no longer suffering in this world, the excitement of launching a book campaign, fear that it might all come to nothing, the honour of being interviewed, the stress of arranging an event to celebrate my father’s magnificent life – all these things have left me teetering on an emotional edge that I have not historically been equipped to deal with. I can say with confidence that I have navigated these weeks much better than I may have anticipated.
I CAN ALSO STATE THAT THE NAVIGATION HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN STRAIGHTFORWARD
My history of self-harm has come to a close. It is seven or eight months since last I picked up an instrument of harm. And to be perfectly honest, the thought never really crosses my mind anymore.
But food remains my natural enemy and I have in recent weeks found myself back in the binge eating waters. There’s a lot of shame in putting that statement out there. But it’s a truth. It is what it is.
The thing I haven’t done, however, is compensate. And in eating disorder recovery that’s a big deal. I haven’t purged or restricted or given up and gone, fuck it – I’ll just eat the whole packet. I’ve overeaten and comfort eaten and I’m at a really heavy weight, but mentally I’m trying to retain perspective and emotionally I’m trying to get my feet back on the ground. There’s a very fine line between making eating rules and making a plan.
IN THE COMING WEEKS I NEED TO TREAD THAT LINE CAREFULLY
Now that the big hurrah of my father’s funeral is behind me, I have the opportunity to grieve. Alone. It’s time for me to just sit and be. To remember. To not worry about other people for a little while – to find some inner focus and some moments with my God. Prayer is very peaceful.
And my book? Well, that’s a very exciting journey and there’s just one week left on the campaign. I believe so strongly that my story is meant to be shared and this is my big chance, so I’m going to take it.
Life is filled with shifting sands – I never know whether the day will bring good news or bad. Or both. I’ve worked on keeping both feet firmly planted on the ground to brace for whatever comes next. And to embrace every moment I have.