It’s World Suicide Prevention Day. A very good day to talk about suicide.

On 02 March 2020, I took an overdose. It wasn’t the pinnacle of my life experiences – I gotta admit. It was indeed, the rock bottom. But as has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions, once you’re at the bottom there’s nowhere to go but up. And up I have come.

It’s so hard to describe to people the darkness that enveloped me. I was so very, very ill. I knew I wasn’t okay and every day, with tears silently streaming down my face I would say, No. I’m not okay. I was drowning in a giant well, filled with black oily swill. I didn’t know what to do. Nobody knew what to do. In hindsight, I needed to be in hospital before the overdose, not after.

CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT IS A LOVELY CHARACTER WHO IS NEVER THERE WHEN YOU NEED HIM

On this very important day of global awareness, I want to talk about a subject that is often taboo and misunderstood. I wrote about it in great detail back in 2016 – when my suicidality began in earnest.

Let’s be clear about a few things…

Suicide is not selfish, or attention-seeking, or even a choice. It’s the culmination of intense psychological pain over time. It’s the decision to let go of a burden so heavy your knees have been buckling for longer than you can recall and you just want to finally put it down and rest.

Suicide is often not a rash decision. The actions might be impulsive and spontaneous (for me they were not) but usually, the thoughts and desires have been there a long time. Building and building. It’s called suicidal ideation. And it’s no fun at all.

After the ideation comes the planning. If you or someone you know has started planning, get help. Get help now. Professional help.

THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAN DO

I made the very grave mistake of leaning heavily on some friends and not articulating my emotions clearly to the professional support I had. I felt safer talking to friends but at the end of the day, friends aren’t qualified to offer the support needed or recognise the severity of the situation.

I’m also very bad at articulating myself. I unpack thoughts through writing and journaling but with the spoken word, I’m tongue-tied and confused. It’s painful and difficult to talk about myself. The best I could manage was to say I wasn’t okay. That was a huge admission on my part. Given the number of people shocked by those who follow through on a suicide action plan, I feel I’m not alone with an inability to express that dark desire. There are often no words to express that pain.

As a result of leaning so heavily on people, I’ve damaged and lost relationships. That’s the biggest and most painful cost of my suicide attempt. Something I regret so intensely. If only I’d had the words to talk in therapy and not burden the people I loved the most. I am so, so sorry about that. And so sad.

People often want to know why – why did I let myself sink so low that I had no choice but to drown. I can’t speak for other people who’ve been down the same path – I’m sure we all have diverse and unique experiences. For me, it was a melting pot of circumstances. Undiagnosed and untreated bipolar II disorder. Critically severe insomnia. Medication making me worse, not better. A life that had spun out of control. And five years of chronic suicidal ideation.

YOUR EXPERIENCE MAY BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Why someone becomes suicidal isn’t the point. The fact is, they are. Feelings are valid – all feelings are valid. If someone feels like their life has no meaning, it isn’t helpful to point out all the things to be grateful for. That invalidates very real emotions.

For anyone out there struggling with suicidal ideation, there are three things I want to say.

First – and most importantly – wait. Wait a minute, an hour, a day. Just don’t make a permanent decision in this temporary moment. Read this letter. I want you to stay. I want you to be here. And I’m not alone. Loads of people are grateful you exist. Send me a message if you want. I always reply. I care.

Almost as important, get professional help. Connecting with loved ones and talking about how you feel is fantastic. Talking and connecting are part of the human condition. But friends and family aren’t qualified to know what to do. That’s a job for professionals. Seek help. Here’s the link to crisis support again. Please – take a look. It could save your life.

Lastly, This Too Shall Pass. It sounds so trite. I repeated that phrase to myself for five years. I continue to not only repeat it to myself but share it liberally with everyone I know. After a lot of intense psychological therapy, the lesson has really started to sink in – things do pass. The worst feelings in the world pass. They may not pass quickly and they certainly won’t pass pleasantly but they’ll go. As Winston Churchill so wisely said, If you’re going through hell, keep going.

PERHAPS IT SOUNDS LIKE HYPOCRISY

After all, I did attempt suicide. I held out for five years then I succumbed. It wasn’t a good idea and people were hurt by my actions. During my two month stay in the psychiatric ward, I journaled almost every day. It’s a stark reminder that recovery from a suicide attempt isn’t a walk in the park. I felt utterly alone and rejected and abandoned. Was that true? I don’t know. But feelings feel bad even if they’re not based on fact.

I feel like a crystal vase that smashed to the floor and I have to crawl around on bare hands and knees looking for the pieces while the people I love look down and say, well you did it to yourself, get your shit together.

27 March 2020

That was 18 months ago. Now I’m much stronger. I feel strong. Sometimes I’m really depressed or anxious. Or I struggle with purpose. Sometimes I feel like I can’t cope. But sometimes life is joyous and wonderful and I’m surrounded by loving friends and I have things to do and places to be. My life is filled with all the things your life is filled with. I’m never suicidal anymore. I haven’t been since I left the clinic in May 2020. Regular sleep, mood stabilisers and ongoing psychological therapy have turned my life around.

On World Suicide Prevention Day let’s develop empathy for those who struggle and if you’re struggling, hang in there and reach out. One day at a time. We can do this.