“We belong to what we value, not what we desire.”
A cool guy I know
I love that statement – it really resonates with me. I spend time and energy, make commitments and secret pacts, with the things I value. Not with the things I desire.
Sometimes what I value and desire are in alignment. I value spending time with my children and I desire they all come to family dinner on Sundays. Too easy. I invest the time and energy into making it happen, whether or not they want to come – and I believe one day they’ll value it too.
Sometimes what I value and desire are at odds with each other. I value my appearance but eating disorder desires outbid healthy self – every day of the week. The value is trumped by a far more primal value – to feel safe. To feel secure. Numb. So my value on physical appearance becomes a desire and my resulting behaviours sabotage any chance of meeting that need.
I’m incredibly ashamed of my obsession with appearance. It’s so shallow and not a quality I apply to anyone else. I couldn’t care less if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, freckly, pale, old, young, dark, spotty. It doesn’t matter – what I value in other people is integrity, honesty, vulnerability, kindness, intelligence, creativity. A crooked nose, wrinkles, stumpy legs or saggy boobs is of no consequence. Yet my personal appearance remains something I cannot accept.
Too fat, too tall, too freckly, too pale, too grey, too old, too ugly.
My eating disorder desires are so embedded they have become a part of my identity.
- Eat everything you see – you never know when food will be available again
- Don’t eat anything at all – if you start you can’t stop
- Don’t let people see you eat – eating is shameful
- Food = fat
- All food is delicious – don’t stop
- All food is delicious – don’t start
- I can’t deal with this emotion – eat until I’m numb
- I can’t deal with this emotion – starve
There are aspects of my life where values are really clear – I know how to nurture those values and desires. Relationships, creativity, travel. But when it comes to food and eating, weight and appearance, I have a deeply rooted obsession that kills the desire to value things most of you take for granted.
- self-worth
- self-care
- mental health
- physical health
- my life
I can’t really adequately express how little I care about these things – these fundamental human needs that motivate most people to make a change if one of them becomes threatened. But for those of us with little or no care for our health and wellbeing, it is difficult to become motivated to change. I desire mental peace, a strong body and healthy self-esteem – but I don’t value them enough to make the necessary changes.
I belong to the Eating Disorder’s values.
The photo above was taken about six years ago. I was 47 at the time. My desire was to have images of myself where I wasn’t fat and ugly – which aligned with my value of personal appearance. I wanted to be glamorous for a day so trotted off for a glamour photography shoot where I was pampered and made to feel special. They slathered me in three tons of makeup, straightened my hair (which I hate) and had me stand at flattering angles under flattering lights. The photos look nothing like me. I don’t really like them. When I looked at the photos I realised what I really wanted, was to actually be glamorous and beautiful – not just dolled up and delicately photographed in order to capture an image that isn’t my likeness.
Sometimes I desire things I don’t need – and shouldn’t get. A lovely new pair of shoes. Pink bluetooth headphones. New gym gear from Lululemon (it was on sale!) Clearly these desires align with a value that isn’t necessarily good for me – or our bank balance. They meet an emotional need in a way that caring for my body does not.
I have studied ACT courses, I do DBT classes and I’m always in search of new psychological and spiritual pathways to heal me. But nothing can heal me – I have to heal myself. And the simple quote above made me realise I’m unlikely to consistently pour energies into something I desire, but don’t value.
- I desire dance lessons – I don’t value them.
- I desire to play the piano – I don’t value it.
- I desire a spotlessly clean house – I quite clearly don’t value it…
I see other people desire things they don’t value.
- They turn up to the gym twice then never come back.
- They start a savings account but never put money in it.
- They say they’ll meet me for coffee but they never turn up.
My next task, it would appear, is to take a long hard look at what I truly value and see what needs a new perspective. I can’t fully recover from mental health issues for the sake of other people – that’s their value and desire, not mine. I have to do it for myself because I’m the one doing the hard yards.
What’s valuable to you? What do you desire but don’t value enough to follow through? Am I truly unique, or do you also have values and desires that don’t always align?