A FRESH START
I have to say, 2021 was kind to me. While 01 January is just an arbitrary date nevertheless, we wrap boundaries around dates and look for patterns. It is the way it is.
There are years that have been truly awful – where crisis after crisis hit me. Then there was the worst year ever – which started off feeling like the best year ever. We often categorise a year as having been good or bad. Despite my dad dying at the start of 2021 – a devastating event but not unexpected – I can safely say it was a good year. It certainly ended on a high note.
I CANNOT SAY WHAT 2022 WILL HOLD
Who can? I refuse to place expectations upon it but I see it as a fresh start. The year-that-was is closed and this is a new one. Bad habits I’ve slipped into over time can be overhauled.
New Year’s Resolutions traditionally last a month, at the most, before going the way of all other resolutions – out the window. Whoosh. Eighty per cent of resolutions don’t come to pass. Most of us think we’ll fall into that twenty per cent because hello?! … we have the resolve to stick it out. In reality, best intentions fade and real-life settles in.
Here’s my point. I want to make change but I want to be in the twenty per cent (don’t you?) so perhaps the answer is not white-knuckling, willpower and just doggone doggedness. Perhaps the answer is expectations.
IN 2021, I CONSOLIDATED RECOVERY
I’ve never been so mentally well. This is not to say perfect – it most certainly is not. But I’ve developed new ways of being. Anxiety no longer cripples me. Having gone through the cathartic process of writing a book about my childhood and eating disorder, those chapters feel closed. History is history and it doesn’t feature centre stage in my life anymore.
I can move on. I lost my identity and am forging a new one. This me is middle-aged (whether I like it or not), a writer, a friend, wife, mother and grandmother-to-be.
Relationships are incredibly important to me and one of my goals for 2022 is to continue healing those relationships that suffered during my breakdown. That’s a good goal, right? A continuation of a process that’s already begun.
I also want to continue healing the relationship with my body – perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I sacrificed so much in pursuit of an unattainable goal. I hear repeatedly I must accept the body I’m in right now before I can heal the relationship. Regardless of my perceptions about the body. Whether it’s obese, covered in scars, devoid of the elastin that once pointed everything north. Just accept what I have right now.
I GOTTA SAY, IT’S REALLY FUCKING HARD
In the pursuit of eating disorder recovery, I’ve religiously consumed three meals and two snacks a day for almost two years. The snacks have become a bit haphazard but I’m secure in this recovery and want to eat more intuitively.
With an eating disorder, you have almost certainly over-written your hunger cues. Which is why part of recovery involves eating to a schedule. Eventually, hunger cues return and I’m at that point. It’s time to eat more intuitively. Not more. Or less. But to follow hunger and social cues.
Intuitive eating espouses eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. Sounds so simple. But social and emotional eating are normal parts of the human experience, so denying social eating is another eating disorder behaviour. Over the past year, I’ve worked on all these things and no longer have a sense of deprivation if I pass by a piece of cheesecake. I can have it any time I feel like it. I’ve learned sometimes I don’t feel like it.
IN 2022 I WANT TO MASTER INTUITIVE EATING
No dieting. No fasting. No rules. Food for nourishment, hunger and pleasure. My fears from my clinic days are unfounded – I do stop eating by choice when I allow myself to eat without guilt and shame.
I also need to get a handle on moving my body. For years I over-exercised. At the time, I just thought I was healthy but it was driven, compulsive and not always enjoyable. Over the past year, I’ve virtually stopped moving and that isn’t enjoyable either. Particularly as I age. It’s been three months since I’ve done a gym class and my once daily (or twice daily) walks to the beach are long-forgotten memories. I’m not entirely sure how to learn to move for the right reasons but that’s my goal – move more.
I adore being in the bush, hiking mountains, finding waterfalls and strolling along beaches with salty wind curling my hair. To do that I need a certain level of fitness. I want 2022 to be the year I regain it. In the coming weeks, I’ll review exactly how it will happen. I want to be in the twenty per cent who embrace the resolution as a lifestyle change rather than white-knuckle through something really unpleasant.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO FIND, IS PURPOSE
What’s the point of me? That has been my existential crisis for quite some time. I played music for pure joy and that felt purposeful. I had paid work and that felt purposeful. I was needed by my children and that felt purposeful. Those things had their day and I’ve been searching for new things. I suspect this is a common occurrence in middle-age. Some things just have use-by dates.
Instead, I’ve learned to write and while I may not be Helen Garner, Truman Capote or Tolstoy, I do feel comfortable with the written word and it’s something I can pursue. Not for money – because goodness only knows, I doubt there’s money to made by writing a blog – but for the sole purpose of sharing my experiences with others. And if one person benefits then it will be worthwhile. I’m okay with the fact I’m unlikely to ever be in the paid workforce again.
I have one resolution that may or may not come to pass. But it’s a good idea. I need to clean my house more. We spring cleaned it in preparation for the house swap and I gotta say, it felt good to be in a house without cobwebs for a day. I’d like to maintain this new standard when I return.
I live in a house that feels too big for me to manage when I still get crippling bouts of fatigue but we’re not ready to downsize yet. So – the only actual New Years Resolution I want to declare is that I’ll keep my house much cleaner in 2022. And if that falls by the wayside, well, c’est la vie.
