There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.

Your Healthy Self Will Heal Your Eating Disorder Self

“No one can make you get better.” Carolyn Costin

Key two is full of letters-to-self and role-playing. Two things I find extremely distasteful. I’m not looking forward to key two, but here we go. In for a penny, in for a pound. I’m girding my loins and mixing my metaphors. Meet Anamia – my eating disorder voice.

Dear Anamia,

Thank you for always being there and protecting me from unbearable emotions. I find myself easily overwhelmed and catastrophising and with no other coping skills, I have felt numbed and protected and more able to cope when you’re around. You’ve wrapped me up in your gentle embrace and held me tight. I cannot even picture what I would have done without you throughout my complex childhood, or through the stress and grief I’ve succumbed to in the past decade.

Thank you for being my identity. I know who I am when I’m with you. There is a community of people I understand and relate to and picturing my life without you has been impossible.

Having you around has always felt like a safe space to fall into. When all else fails, there’s me and Anamia. We’ve had a blast. Eaten some awesome cake and kicked some ass to the kerb. It was a wild ride and it was fun while it lasted. We all knew it was never going to last.

I’m ready to change now and the instructions in the book tell me to role-play healthy conversations in my head – challenging eating disorder thoughts. As nauseating as that sounds, let’s give it a whirl.

“Any self-esteem I think I am gaining from my body is being cancelled out by what I am doing to myself to get it.”

Anamia: I ate so much food yesterday and my weight has gone up. Don’t eat today to balance yesterday’s disaster – it’s your punishment for being weak.

Simone: Restricting leads to binging – every time. What’s done is done and cannot be undone. Forgive yourself and move on. You know full well that fluctuating a couple of kilos is dependent on hormones, fluid intake or constipation and has nothing to do with what you ate. If you’re really concerned, drink more water and take some Metamucil.

Anamia: I want cheesecake. I don’t like the incredibly uncomfortable way I am feeling right now. Mix up some cream cheese with honey and cinnamon and eat it – it’s so freaking delicious. You’ll feel better and can deal with the consequences later. Do it before you change your mind.

Simone: Will cream cheese help? Really? Or will you still be highly emotional and tired and just have guilt and disgust to add to the list of emotions? You’re not actually hungry. In fact, if you pay attention to your body, you’ll see you’ve eaten enough and are close to full anyway. Those emotions you’re trying to bury? It’s exhaustion – go to bed and sleep. You’re emotional and irrational and struggling to stay awake.

Anamia: These sandwiches are delicious. It’s so long since I’ve eaten fluffy bread. Can’t resist them. I know I’m going to eat too much, so eat as fast as possible then throw it all up afterwards – best of both worlds. Delicious food, negligible calories.

Simone: Make a decision – do you want to eat or not? It’s lunchtime – you have to eat something. Make one sandwich and eat slowly. You’ll enjoy the taste without guilt and shame afterwards. You know full well that if you throw everything up, you’ll reward yourself later with some kind of sweet or dessert then feel triple guilt. It’s a vicious cycle – you can break it.

In key two there is much emphasis on teaching the destructive voice – Anamia – to listen to the voice of reason and calm – Simone. There are seven Stages of Integration – from two completely separate identities fighting it out inside your head, to a balanced and reasonable dialogue. I’ve had a good read of the options and I’m confident I’m a five.

Your healthy self is increasingly in control, but your eating disorder self is still around, speaking up and taking over at times.

That sums me up nicely. I can’t explain what a difference this is. I’m hoping by the time I get to key eight I’ve maintained this level of optimism. Until then, I need cheerleading statements. Again – not my forte. Perhaps keys three-eight will sit better with me.

• You’re worth it and you can do it
• Eating disorder behaviours lead to guilt and shame – choose healthy behaviours and healthy emotions
• An eating disorder is exhausting – mentally and physically
• The road to healthy weight and body is healthy meals and behaviours
• Emotions can’t kill you. Feel them. Write them. Own them.
• Model good behaviour for others
• You do have a future. You can be happy and content. You can let go of the eating disorder identity.
• Funnel your strengths and energies into activities that lift you up – not drag you down
• It’s time

And finally, a farewell letter to Anamia.

Dear Anamia,

Thank you for all you have done and protected me from, but it’s time. I understand where you came from and why you’re here but I know better now and can move on. I have spent decades in self-reflection and therapy and research. I know how to be healthy and whole and I am too tired to stay broken. I have paid a heavy price, having an eating disorder – physically and mentally. I have experienced significant grief and stress and my coping mechanisms were not enough. Numbing emotions and obsessing over bodyweight and image has not made me stronger and better. Indulging in eating disorder behaviours and self-harm seemed helpful, but it wasn’t. It’s time for me to put all that energy into moving forward and becoming whole.

So thank you – but goodbye 🙂