There is a very good book called 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. I have started the keys on numerous occasions in the past, but now I feel completely ready to tackle them all. There are multiple writing exercises within each key, so without giving away the entire contents of the book, over the course of eight weeks I want to share my recovery journey with you. The following is a composite of all my answers for this key.
MOTIVATION, PATIENCE & HOPE
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” Henry Ford
It was the anniversary of my sister’s death a few years back. I hadn’t given her anniversary a great deal of thought and it was a Saturday morning at a 12-Step meeting. Because we had the opportunity to share anything and everything, I talked about her anniversary then ended up really teary as I thought more about it. I have so much guilt associated with her death and at that time, so little grieving. After the meeting, I was heading to a friend’s house but on the way, I was obsessing and obsessing about binging. I wanted to stop somewhere and eat shit until I threw up. And then eat more and more and more. I just kept thinking about food and where I could get some. I stopped at a shopping centre on the way and bought custard cream doughnuts then went into the public toilets, sat on the toilet and shoved them in as fast as I could – trying not to let anyone hear the wrappers or me shovelling food in. Then it was all stuck on top of my lap band (that was the plan) so I spent a while throwing up then drinking more water so I could throw up some more. I jumped back in the car and headed off, stopping at another shopping centre on the way to purge again. Then I bought chocolates to make myself feel better. At my friend’s house, I went straight to the loo and threw the chocolates up – being as quiet as possible so she wouldn’t know. I was obsessed, guilty, ashamed, remorseful, disgusted and filled with self-hatred. I was terrified of getting fat, afraid of damaging the lap band and panicking at the thought someone might hear me throwing up or see me eating junk food. It was a stellar day…
That was then and this is now
Now I find myself at about phase seven in the ten phases of eating disorder recovery. I can stop behaviours, but not my thoughts. And phase four of the five levels of motivation. Action. I feel like this is good progress from my days of wolfing down doughnuts.
“I didn’t want to change for a long time, but eventually I just got fed up with how things were.”
8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder
The phases are helpful because they offer hope. Even phase one shows hope. But being 7/10 and 4/5 seems like a pretty good score. Close to a distinction, I would surmise. Seven on the recovery phase feels like a miracle to me. I really am stopping the behaviours – and have done for about a month (okay – I know that’s not a lifetime, but it’s a huge change for me). Stopping thoughts – well that’s a whole other kettle of fish. I’ll let you know when I find that kettle. And as far as motivation goes, it has never been stronger. I’m not nailing things nearly as often as I would like to, but like I said before, I feel a distinct mental change. One for the good. So I’m very happy with being in the action stage and look forward to arriving at maintenance. Only one phase to go! I’m cognizant of the fact however, that recovery is never linear and much like grief, there is no timeline. It happens when it happens.
And from the worst Day to the best
My final task for key one is to talk about a day in my life when I am recovered. You know – that elusive utopia we eating-disordered folk dream of – intuitive eating. Rather than rehash a very poor facsimile of things I’ve written before, I think it best to revisit my post called Freedom. It really does sum things up beautifully. And I don’t think I could write it just the same again.
I’ve read Key One several times now and marked it up with my trusty fluorescent markers so the best bits can slap me in the face each time I go back. It’s kind of slow progress to be going over and over the first key and being meticulous about “getting it right”. But I want to get it right and more than anything else, I want this to be the last time I need to do it. Tenth time’s a charm.