WHERE TO NOW?
Well it’s been a busy month or two – I think I can safely say that.
Dad’s deteriorating health then his death. And organising the celebration of his life. All very time consuming and emotionally draining affairs.
The decision to do a presales campaign for my book. Launching it, promoting it and tying up the loose ends. All very time consuming, exciting and nerve wracking.
My “normal” life was put on hold – such as it is. And as normality starts to slowly descend upon my life once more I find myself trying to figure out what to do with my days. Where do I go now? Which of the million unfinished tasks do I leap into?
OR AM I ALLOWED TO REST FOR A WHILE?
I feel that all I ever do is rest and having been forced into an extremely sedentary lifestyle for the past six months (that stupid Achilles heel of mine), sitting on my arse day in and day out is unlikely to be conducive to good physical and mental health.
Random piece of good news – after a (very painful) shot of cortisone in and around my Achilles heel, I’m making fantastic progress. I have zero pain which is such a blessing. For six months I’ve had nothing but chronic pain from the moment my foot hit the ground each day. Now I have none whatsoever.
SO THERE’S A PIECE OF HAPPY NEWS
Now that dad is gone my anxiety has lessened – there was always that sense of wondering how he was doing and did I need to be rushing off somewhere. Always wondering how and when he was going to die. End of life stuff is pretty heartbreaking for everyone involved. And being with someone in the last days and moments of their life is an absolute privilege. Now all I have left is dad’s stuff – and there’s a lot of stuff for me to slowly sift through in the coming weeks and months. I have 40 paintings that I have to figure out where to hang.
And my book? Well that is now my big, big focus. The presales campaign is over. 142 amazing people saw a snippet and elected to support me by paying for a book that isn’t even published yet. I cannot express my gratitude enough. I now have the enormous and completely overwhelming task of figuring out which publisher to choose and what steps to take next.
I HAVE BEEN DILIGENTLY WRITING LISTS
Over the next week, I will finalise which publisher to go with then sign up for the nitty-gritty of the next stage of the process. There are graphic design and copyediting to be done. Decisions on typesetting and layout. Finalising of chapter headings (I was never totally happy with them). Do I keep the same title? Go for something shorter? Change the cover design completely or go with the image that people have supported already?
I have never published a book before. It’s all very, very foreign and I was much happier tucked away on Bruny Island, penning the memoir. That was a safe space to inhabit. A long and tiring space but still – one I understood. Now I’m inhabiting a foreign world.
And what about all the other projects on hold? This blog that I used to write in on a daily basis. My writing for the restless legs syndrome and insomnia pages. Looking for other work. Finishing the legacy writing that I started.
INSTEAD I’M ADDICTED TO A STUPID IPHONE GAME
There’s nothing like sitting down and farming chickens and wheat to distract yourself from life’s problems. My eating disorder behaviours are being kept at bay by trading corn with my cyberspace neighbours. I feel like I’ve slipped a little in mental health recovery. But there’s no time like the present – and a public declaration – to start making some more positive changes.
Sure, I still feel waves of grief come over me when I think of my lost family – mother, father, brother, sister. The pressure of how to take the next steps for publication weigh me down on a daily basis. But this is life. Nothing special or unique about mine. Loading pixellated cargo ships with crates of woolly chaps does me no favours. It was a nice mental break but now I need routine.
IT’S TIME TO REINSTATE MY FOOD PLAN
When eating slips, it’s my go-to fall back position. And the primary rule of my food plan is no compensatory behaviours. I am proud to say I have not indulged in compensatory eating behaviours (restriction, purging, exercising) for… I have no idea how long. More than six months. I have not indulged in self-harm for the same period of time. I’ve made a lot of changes and I feel so mentally strong. But strong is not perfect. I think part of my recovery process is identifying the slippery slopes and getting off them.
I’m at the top of a slippery slope and it’s time to dig my heels in. So this random post is about me muddling through the never-ending chaos inside my head and figuring out what’s next. Where do I go now? Watch this space.
