Mental Health / Recovery

WHERE HAS ALL THE EMPATHY GONE?

There are few things more comforting in this world than feeling understood and accepted. I am not sure if the world has more or less empathy than it used to. But I find that as I get older, it seems like there is a lot less around. Now, that could be because of the personal journey I have walked, or simply because I’m ageing and notice its absence more. But whatever the reason, empathy is something that is becoming as rare as rocking horse shit. Perhaps it always was and I just never noticed before.

Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character.

psychology today

I think formal definitions lack emphasis on the fact that empathy requires the ability to understand things outside our own sphere. It is all fine and dandy to empathise with someone who reacts the same way as we do to a situation we personally understand. That is more like sympathy. But empathy is understanding we all have different experiences and react differently. And maybe, just for a moment, it is okay to accept their point of view and responses are valid.

Mental illness is routinely stigmatised

Even in this modern age of information overload, awareness campaigns, and the lip service so many people and organisations espouse still, mental illness is never treated as physical illnesses are. It’s considered a choice by so many – a choice nobody would actually make. It seems the only people who easily put themselves into my shoes for a moment are those who’ve walked a similar path.

I was recently judged a little harshly by a complete stranger simply because my mental health journey is very public. I gotta confess, that stung for a moment. But at the end of the day it is probably not a reflection on me. Everyone has some kind of story but not every story is public. Being highly judgmental seems like the first red flag when it comes to empathy.

I have been extremely well for almost five years, but still, the guilt associated with feeling like such a physical and emotional burden is weighty. Some of that guilt is self-imposed. But not all of it is. I know that if I had been physically unwell for five years, there would have been very different responses to the way I was so lovingly looked after. There would be less of an assumption that I have a debt that cannot be repaid. When people are more empathetic with me, the burden of guilt eases a little.

The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy

Elon Musk

Now, I don’t want to go and get all political because really, I am wilfully ignorant when it comes to politics. I deliberately distanced myself from news and politics many years ago – in order to protect my own sanity. And even though I access no news information whatsoever, I am still only five minutes behind everyone else.

But this (verified) quote from a man that has enormous power and influence is very telling of the times we live in. It may seem like a quick retort, but in reality, it is a reflection of the world we live in. And if we want to see the end result of pursuing a society with a lack of empathy, let’s consider where it got us in the past….

In my work with the defendants (at the Nuremberg Trails 1945-1949) I was searching for the nature of evil and I now think I have come close to defining it. A lack of empathy. It’s the one characteristic that connects all the defendants, a genuine incapacity to feel with their fellow men. Evil, I think, is the absence of empathy.

Captain G. M. Gilbert, the Army psychologist assigned to watching the defendants at the Nuremberg trials

Words are powerful. Especially words from powerful people. I cannot control other people, but I can maybe have some influence in a very small way. Just as nobody has ever really controlled me, but they have influenced me. If I’m going to be cliched, I can say we are all on our individual journeys of self-discovery. Whether we acknowledge it or not. Even Mr Musk is on his own journey. Where our journeys take us is very much dependent on our ability to look at things outside our own sphere of internal and external experiences. I would never have become well if I was not prepared to look both inside and outside myself. And to acknowledge that everyone’s experiences are valid – even when they make no sense to me. That includes the experiences, wisdom and knowledge of mental health professionals who worked with me. People who taught me things that I couldn’t comprehend at the beginning.

I have been judged harshly by people both near and far from me. And I have been treated with compassion and acceptance from both people close to me and from complete strangers. Empathy has come from the strangest of places and disappeared in the most unexpected of ways. I have found it to be highly unpredictable.

It has led me to wonder (with no answer) as to whether or not it’s on a spectrum

The complete absence of any empathy may well belong to the sociopath. And an overabundance belongs to the empath who is more often than not, a highly sensitive person prone to sensory overload. But perhaps for most people there is empathy in some circumstances but not in others. The ability to empathise is much easier when it is a recognisable situation. When we can relate to the emotions even if we can’t relate to the specific circumstances. But some situations are so far outside our realm of experience that the other person’s shoes become so large and so far away that the ability to slide our feet into them is just impossible. That is when empathy becomes difficult. Just when it is needed the most.

My friends, despite what Mr Musk may believe, empathy is never a weakness. It is, in fact, a magical power that brings us the ability to gift even a complete stranger with acceptance and understanding. Perhaps, the more empathy people experience themselves, the higher chance they have of being empathetic towards other people. It is like a gift that keeps on giving.