Mental Health / Suicide

TAKING UP SPACE

I take up space in this world and I don’t like it. I am wired to the core of my being to feel regretful and guilty for taking up space. Physical space. Mental space. Emotional space.

IT IS NOT A COMFORTABLE SPACE TO SIT IN

When I was a little girl I experienced childhood emotional neglect. It is hard to write that down and have it made public. My parents were lovely people and in the best way they knew how, they loved and provided for us. We were not abused. We grew up in comfort. But emotionally it was a challenging space. Extremely difficult. And with much learning and research in my later years, I recognise we were emotionally neglected and that has flow-on consequences.

As a child, I felt a need to be active – in mind and body. I could have a cheeky mouth. Rebellious tendencies. None of these things fit in with the way my mother viewed children. We needed to be seen and not heard. I was shut down, put back in my box, humiliated and routinely criticised every day of my life. So I learned to be quiet. I learned that what I had to say was not appreciated. And I learned I was better off not being there in the first place.

My first thoughts of wishing I was dead were when I was nine years old. I have since learned in life that’s probably not normal. Most people don’t ever wish they were dead. Is that really true? I can’t imagine living a life that I didn’t want to end.

I AM NOT SUICIDAL

Not even a little bit. I have written before about the different stages of suicidality. I am at the healthiest end of all that these days. I have no suicidal thoughts. But if I got hit by a bus this afternoon I wouldn’t care. A careless disregard for the value of my life has always been with me. And will probably always be with me. I learned as a child that I take up too much space and the less of me there is, the less space I take up.

This impacts me physically. As a fat person (at the moment) I feel like I physically take up too much space. When I sit tucked into an airplane seat I am taking up space. When I’m standing in the queue at the supermarket I am taking up space. In cars, on seats, walking down the footpath, sitting in cafes, working out at the gym. Everywhere I go I take up space. The only place I relax in my space is at home. At home, I usually feel okay being a space filler. A desperate desire to always be physically smaller is partly rooted in the fact I physically take up a lot of space.

It impacts me mentally. I have relationships with people. Beautiful close relationships with friends and family. More distant relationships with colleagues and acquaintances. But at every level, I feel I’m in the way. I take up space in people’s lives. Probably a lot less space than I worry about, but never the less, I take up space. People think about me and interact with me and that takes up mental space. And I feel guilty about that. Even if I am trying to value add to their lives, sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I moan on and on about my own pitiful woes. I take up space and it’s exhausting. Mentally it wears me out to be constantly second-guessing the impact I’m having on people’s lives.

BUT THE BIGGEST SPACE I TAKE UP, IS EMOTIONAL

I have big feelings. I have learned about hypersensitivity and I fit all the criteria. My emotions are big. But growing up in an environment that couldn’t handle emotions, I learned to contain them. To put a lid on and push everything down and away. I am very contained. Most of the time. On the outside. On the inside I’m a pressure cooker. I kept that pressure cooker tightly sealed for 50 years and then the shit hit the fan. My emotions began to take up a lot of space – inside and outside me. I was taught to think about emotions. To recognise them and feel them. And fuck me – they take up a lot of space. I feel other people’s emotions and now I feel my own. They all stack up on top of each other. Big emotions are exhausting. I get fatigued. Today I’m having a fatigued day. I needed a nap after taking a shower this morning. And then I have guilt for not being productive but it all comes back to big emotions taking up space in my head and my heart. And that overflows into my life. The real physical things that I do are impacted by the emotional space I take up.

I have spent a lot of time in therapy and I have worked hard on radical acceptance – a dialectical behaviour therapy skill. I have come to accept that a lot of the thought processes that are automated into my being are neither healthy nor normal. I can’t eliminate thoughts and feelings but I can choose what I do with them. I can challenge them. So I have come to radically accept I will never place a high value on my own life. It is what it is. I am not suicidal and I do not plan on ending it early. I also do not want to suffer. But my life is of no value to me. I accept it is of value to other people. For reasons I cannot fathom, some people want me to take up space in their worlds. I am grateful to have these people in my life. They challenge me to think differently. They make me feel valuable when I feel I have no value.

I HAVE VERY LITTLE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IN LIFE THESE DAYS

I am very blessed and for that, I am very grateful. I have learned to practice gratitude along with acceptance. I will always take up space, but I don’t always have to feel guilty about that. I can accept that we all take up space and that – apparently – my space is no more, and no less, valuable than other people.