NOT RIGHT IN MY HEAD
People think that depression is all in the head. People are idiots. Depression seeps through every pore of your body and leeches into every aspect of your life. It is an insidious, gut wrenching experience.
Tag: depression
MY SOCIAL BATTERY
I was once told (by an esteemed psychiatrist) that I have an engine ticking away inside me. My little red engine that chugs away continuously and unlike other people, it never turns off. It’s part of my Bipolar II diagnosis – I have no off switch. Instead, I have hyperarousal 24/7. But that’s a story for another day. Trust me when I say, I have an engine. I also have a battery.
KILLING CREATIVITY
I used to be a creative soul. It was something I treasured. Something that made me inherently who I am. I had […]
ON REPEAT
I live with my ex-husband. It’s been seven months now and it’s going great. We’re best friends. But that’s a whole story for another day. Despite being separated under one roof and very good friends, I think I still drive him mad. And nothing drives him more mad than me listening to songs on repeat. And by on repeat, I mean the exact same song for a month at a time. I can listen to the same song a thousand times.
FOUR YEARS AT A TIME
I have a cycle. And it’s not menstrual (that ended 20 years ago). It turns out that every four years, something major happens in my life that changes me. Forever.
ON SHAKY GROUND
At 11:03 AM on Tuesday 03 September 2024 I developed a tremor. It hasn’t left yet. I think it highly unlikely it ever will now. It was triggered by shock.
LOSING LOVE – TWICE
Today my friend, I want to talk about grief. This is a hard story to write but let me start at the beginning.
WHERE’S MY MOTIVATION?
For much of my life, I was driven and busy and energetic and doing shit all the time. I didn’t sleep. I ate a lot. All my spare time filled up with mothering or wifeing or friending or working or volunteering. It was a fairly typical life for someone in their thirties and forties. Then I imploded and everything changed.
BOUNDARIES
Over the weeks and months and years of my healing journey, I have heard the word ‘boundaries’ whispered in my ear countless times. Although, sometimes it’s less of a whisper and more of a fish wife’s guttural screech, echoing around the chambers of my people-pleasing brain.
SHAME
I feel ashamed. I always feel ashamed. Of something or other. I have come to the realisation that not everybody feels this overwhelming and constant level of shame.
A FRESH START
I have to say, 2021 was kind to me. While 01 January is just an arbitrary date nevertheless, we wrap boundaries around dates and look for patterns. It is the way it is.
STABILITY
My mood has become extremely stable in recent months, which is apparently an aim of recovery in bipolar II disorder. No big highs. No big lows. But the other thing that happens without highs and lows is mood becomes very flat. And that, I do not like.
ONE FOOT FORWARD
I’m taking one foot forward – literally and metaphorically. At the end of September, I saw an advertisement by the Black Dog Institute (good job marketing team) about an October challenge to raise awareness for mental health research. Given my five years of mental illness, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to dip my toes in the challenge waters.
THE INS & THE OUTS
I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that most people fit into one of the two categories – having an internal or external means of processing emotions.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Some of the sweetest, most precious and happiest times of my life have passed me by. I really miss them. Some of the darkest, most miserable and frightening times of my life have passed me by. I don’t miss them at all. Everything in life is transitor