Mental Health

SHELLSHOCK

Well folks, I’ve been a little absent. Life the past month has taken a very interesting turn and I got wobbly while finding my feet again. To be honest, it felt a lot like shellshock, but like all the difficult things in life, it too passed.

I got a new job

I have never, in all my 59 years, passed a job interview before. So getting the call to say, after three rounds of interviews, that I was the successful candidate was, in and of itself, quite shocking. I literally took a valium to calm myself down for the rest of the day at work in my old job when I found out. I was shaking so much it looked like I was standing at the epicentre of an off-the-Richter scale earthquake. I also had an exuberant grin plastered on my face from ear to ear. I couldn’t believe it.

After all the interviews I’d done in the past, and been told how amazing I was but there was just this one person who was slightly more amazing, and then finally, it was me. They chose me. I still can’t quite believe it. If I’m being very honest here, I will admit they chose three people. Because that’s how many jobs were going at the time. But still, I got picked as one of the new people. It’s historical. I’ve never been picked before. That made me so happy.

So, that was the first shocking thing that happened.

Then I had to resign

Not from the new job of course. But from the old one. And again, I needed a valium because it was something I had never ever done before. And the company I was working for were really, really lovely. All of them. It was a wonderful little job, but the new one offered opportunities that I just couldn’t pass up. So I had to tell all those lovely people that they had three weeks to find a new person. And they were all very lovely about it and understanding, but still, I was consumed by guilt. I know it left them struggling at reception when I left and I don’t like to talk myself up, but I was really good at that job. I know they will find someone else who can do everything I did, but I also know I left a bit of a hole for a little while.

So that was the second shocking thing that happened. It was, thankfully, the final time I needed valium in a work setting. Because it’s not really an ideal thing to be doing during daylight hours.

Then I had a fling

You would think at my age I would be too old for such a thing. But I never had any flings at all when I was young and I guess it’s never too late to catch up. I have dabbled in the dangerous waters of dating apps and fuck me, it is a minefield. So many different experiences. I could write a book. Everybody who’s ever dipped their toes in tells me the same thing.

But I got lucky and met a really, really lovely woman who was passing through Hobart for a few days and…. well…. no more details are required. Except to say I now have memories that will last me a lifetime. And it was an extraordinarily unexpected and beautiful way to celebrate my last day at work in my old job. I am so very grateful for the experience.

So that was the third and very exciting shocking thing that happened. But things apparently happen in fours.

I started the new job

I’ve been there a month now and I’m only just starting to find my feet. It has been the steepest learning curve I’ve ever been on. And I’ve done a lot of curvy things in the past. There is so very much to learn and they were so understaffed when I first started.

By day eight I just burst into tears, feeling so profoundly stupid and incompetent. Again and again and again. I couldn’t really handle it and I got sick. Physically. I had gastro for over a week. My superpower of catastrophising burst into a spectacular cascade of showering fireworks and I was convinced they would fire me.

They didn’t. I’m still there

But not only am I still there, I’m starting to get a handle on some of the things I actually need to be able to do. Not all of them course. It’s only been a month and there is a rather large volume of intricate and complex things that I need to be able to do. But a mountain is climbed one slow painful step at a time. And an elephant is eaten one chewy bite at a time. And this job is climbing a mountain with nothing but elephant for sustenance.

When I’m not engaging in my propensity towards perfectionism, I absolutely love the job and I want to be so very good at it.

But my mental health did take a bit of a toll during those first weeks and I had to dust off my recovery tools and then reach out for help. I’ve spoken with my psychiatrist and increased my meds. Because I’ve been ruminating in a way that nobody has ever ruminated before. I would have six words from a song on repeat in my head. For hours and hours. I stopped sleeping. My Spotify playlist is down to just one song. And I kind of assumed that maybe wasn’t too healthy.

But of course, by the time I was able to get in to see my psychiatrist, my head had started calming down already. I’d been doing all the right things at home and it settled. If you give anything enough time to recharge it will recover. (Except my laptop apparently. I’ve spent six hours staring at the spinning circle of death and given up. I’m now writing this on my phone….)

So that is why I’ve been quiet

Oh…. It’s also because I’m now working a nine day fortnight. Which is three more days than I did before. So between less free hours in the week and absolute mental exhaustion, I have had less time for blogging. I’ve journaled my little heart out because that’s a recovery tool. But journals are not fit for public consumption.

So the shellshock is wearing off. The ringing in my ears has almost stopped. My heart rate is calming down. I’m sleeping. And my thoughts are in full sentences once more. I have listened to the same song on repeat for the past six hours so maybe I still need a few more days to settle, but I’m getting there. This too shall pass.