ON REPEAT
I live with my ex-husband. It’s been seven months now and it’s going great. We’re best friends. But that’s a whole story for another day. Despite being separated under one roof and very good friends, I think I still drive him mad. And nothing drives him more mad than me listening to songs on repeat. And by on repeat, I mean the exact same song for a month at a time.
I can listen to the same song a thousand times
The inside of my head is a very noisy place. While I am very fortunate that I don’t experience auditory and visual hallucinations (and I do know people who struggle with that particular horror), there is an internal dialogue in my head that is there 24/7. I know it’s there day in and day out because when I had a sleep study, even under the influence of sleeping medications, hooked up to a shit ton of very distracting wires, but still catching a little bit of sleep, my brain never switched off. Not for one single solitary moment. The graph showed continuous high activity – without reprieve. It is very noisy in there.
I manage that noise by playing other noise. Music. Constantly.
It calms me to have music going. Particularly if it is very loud. The louder the music, the less I can hear the inside of my head. The music usually reflects my mood. If I’m feeling sad, I need to feel that sadness, so I play sad music. Same for happy. Excited. Grief-stricken. In crisis. In love. My playlist reflects my state of mind. There are few things in this world more distressing for me than dead silence.
Right now I’m playing my funeral music
It’s on repeat and has been for a week now. I have five songs, and I’m mentally planning my funeral. Because if there’s one thing that people will be in agreement with when I’m dead, it’s that I’m a control freak. So, I will write my own eulogy, choose the photos for the PowerPoint presentation, and I’ll definitely be in charge of the music.
Playing songs on repeat is a particularly common thing for people with very high anxiety. There’s something predictable and calming about the repetition. A lot of people with high anxiety will also watch the same television shows on repeat. I would probably do that too, if my housemate was willing. But I think there’s only so much repetition he can take. So I keep it to the music.
It’s the same with playing mindless games on my phone. They are another numbing distraction from the endless internal dialogue that goes on in my head.
My internal dialogue is usually catastrophising
I have graphically depicted every single person I know and love dying. Sometimes tragically. Always grief struck. I can visualise it so realistically that I sometimes can’t distinguish between reality and fiction. All sorts of disasters happen in my head. I spend a lot of time homeless, living in a tent at the local caravan park. Washed away in the next heavy storm that comes along. Financial destitution, being fired at work, losing everything I know and love all features in my catastrophising. And I have, of course, spent a lot of time in therapy learning about how to manage it. What I have learned is that it will always be a part of me but all I can do is acknowledge it, practice radical acceptance and use my tools for managing it. Which is primarily writing it out to give perspective and acknowledge how unrealistic and unlikely my fears are. But I also engage in distractions. And one of the easiest distractions is music.
So I find a song that resonates for whatever reason. Often just because it’s a catchy tune. And I play it on repeat. For hours, days, weeks or potentially months. It stays on repeat until it becomes so much background noise it no longer serves the purpose of being a distraction. My thoughts become intrustive again. And then I need a new distraction.
While listening to a song on repeat I feel calmer
Even if I’m wallowing in sadness or grief, I will still feel much calmer when the music is playing and reflects my state of mind. It is grounding. My anxiety lessens. It lets me feel the feelings without going into panic. And it definitely has to be the same song, or a very short playlist, going over and over. Otherwise it becomes too much background and the thoughts come back again. There is safety in repetition. It’s familiar and comfortable.
You would think by listening to a song on repeat for days, I would know all the lyrics. But I don’t. Sometimes, I eventually remember some or most of them. But for the most part, I just get soaked in the sounds, and my thoughts are split between the music and my softened internal dialogue. If I focus enough on the lyrics I can eradicate the conversation I’m having with myself but that takes more effort and is something that is hard to sustain. It’s a little bit exhausting. So I let the music settle over me and in me. And I get calmer. The catastrophes gain perspective.
I am no Robinson Crusoe here
I have heard it said again and again that people with high anxiety will be drawn to repetition. It is safe and calming. It may seem very peculiar to people who do not have a constant internal dialogue. But at the end of the day, everything we don’t personally experience seems a little peculiar. The thought that someone might have silence inside their head is quite frankly, impossible to me. How does that even happen? The only time there is silence in my head is when I take my cocktail of ten medications of a night, most of which are for insomnia, and then I’m comatose. That is the only time my head is quiet. At least it is probably quiet. I don’t actually know for sure, because the drugs tranquilise me. As soon as that wears off, the conversation begins again. And to slow it down, I play music. Again and again and again. On repeat.
Right now? There is a lovely lady singing, I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are. And this has become very true. In my open book life, I have come to share everything. Including the fact my playlist is on constant repeat. But if you come visit me, I promise to take it off repeat. Just for half an hour.
