About Me / Depression / Mental Health

LOSING LOVE – TWICE

It is many moons since last I wrote here. This was my safe space for pouring out the comings and goings of mental illness – depression, anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, self harm, suicidality.

But then I became really well

It took a complete shattering for me to get there but over the course of four years and intensive psychological and pharmaceutical support I am really well. So what more is there to say in a mental health blog?

But today I realised, there is grief

And today my friend, I want to talk about grief. This is a hard story to write but let me start at the beginning.

Once upon a time I fell in love. Deeply, madly and instantly head over heels in love. But it was not with my husband who I had lived with for 34 years. This was someone new and magical. Like an angel come down to earth.

Of course my husband knew about this love and my angel and I never cross the lines into infidelity. But my husband agreed to an open relationship and called me his beautiful sexy wife. He loved me enough to see the joy in my love for an angel.

For five years my love for the angel sat nestled warmly in my heart. Then for five glorious months our love burst forth into unimaginable beauty. Love I had never known before in my life. And I dreamed of all the love we would know for the rest of our lives.

For you see, I am a dreamer

My husband saw that I was happy and he was happy too. We were going to try to be three and that was scary and uncertain but if you don’t try you’ll never know. But we all knew my heart lay first and foremost with my angel.

Then inexplicably, in a heartbeat, my angel was gone

The questions burn inside me and there will never be any answers. I am thrust into the hell that is grief with all its monstrous phases. And as I travel this dark and ugly path, I also know that the love I had for my husband has faded away. It faded long before I met the angel, but finding true love highlights a lesser love. In the space of a few weeks, I lost all my love.

How much loss can a heart bear?

The grief is heavy. The body doesn’t want to function. Eating is a forced chore because the stomach is sick to the core. My insides turn to water. No longer is my heart rate a slow steady pace, instead racing like I’ve hiked an angry mountain peak with no beautiful view at the top. My breath catches continuously. There is a tremor throughout me and shivers that appear unexpectedly. The heavy stones that drop into my chest without warning sit heavily. The body knows and the mind never forgets.

Losing love is grief made solid

Losing it twice feels unbearable. The intensity of the love matches the intensity of the grief. And my love was powerful.

My angel is gone. Without explanation. And I hold onto the thin tendril of hope that one day there will be a gentle reaching out that softens the blow and explains what happened.

My marriage is gone because after all these years I can no longer pretend. And now I have inflicted the dark journey of grief upon my husband.

Love never dies

Not the beautiful romance of my magical angel. Not the steady love of more than three decades of marriage. But that marriage broke slowly over many years. A fading of intimacy, criticism, too much familiarity, the discovery of a soulmate waiting somewhere else, and the indescribable pain of his infidelity shattering apart a journey that was meant to last a lifetime.

The future I had always imagined for myself now looks sad, lonely and financially destitute. And while in the throes of grief it is hard to ever believe life will feel light again, I have enough experience with grief to know that all this sorrow will burrow its way into my heart and it will soften.

Grief never leaves

But it becomes gentler and less forceful. It is not always front and centre. Eventually it is the shadow that always catches your eye but if you concentrate hard enough you can see all the light in front of you.

I will always be grateful for my two beautiful loves. A husband who gifted me my adorable children and showed us how loving and caring fatherhood can be. Who stood by me in my darkest hours and held me when no one else could. A husband who slowly drifted away over a decade as our marriage faded and we were left with friendship and memories. Beautiful things to have, but not enough to save a marriage.

And so now, it ends

And I will be eternally grateful for the brief entrance into my life of an angel who taught me that it is possible to be loved, nurtured, cared for and desired at heights I had never imagined. An angel who set the bar so high that no other love can compare. An angel who I would have spent the rest of my life with, feeling calm and peaceful and safe together. And now my angel is gone.

I loved and I lost. Twice

But two beautiful people taught me about two types of love and despite being soaked in sorrow right now, I know I am fortunate to have been given the gifts of great love. Even if they haven’t lasted a lifetime.

My angel has disappeared and I live with the hope that one day there is a miraculous reunion. The separation of my 32 year marriage has begun and I live with the hope that we can maintain a strong friendship once the initial shock has worn off.

The gaping wounds will eventually fade to scars

And through all this, grief is my constant companion. It will sit with me for as long as it takes. There are no rules or timelines for grief. Everyone’s journey is unique. But for everyone, with time, it softens. One day my grief will soften.