HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Today is my 55th birthday.
You would think by now I would feel like a grown-up. I don’t. I feel like an awkward teenager who still doesn’t quite know what to do with her life but is now stuck in a creaky, crinkly body.
In fact, now that I think about it, I was a lot more certain about my life back when I was a teenager. I had plans. I knew I was going to do this, that and the other. Now I’ve done this, been thwarted by that and don’t want to do the other.
I FEEL LIKE I’M AT THAT DIFFICULT AGE
You know? Too young to be old – too old to be young. I guess you could call it middle age.
When I was in high school, mapping out exactly how my entire life was going to pan out, never did I factor in having mental health issues. Not for a moment did I expect to have depression (that was my mum), or anxiety (that was my sister), or an eating disorder (that was skinny people). I was going to live happily ever after with a career, a partner and a plethora of babies.
I am very fortunate because those things came to pass – I worked as a musician and music teacher for 36 years. I’ve been married for 28 years. And I have 3.5 children. I am incredibly grateful to have had all these opportunities.
I didn’t factor in the unrecognised depression and anxiety and a lifetime of disordered eating. They didn’t feel like “me” – they still don’t and I often struggle with my identity as a result. Who am I? It has taken a complete nervous breakdown and five years of therapy to get a grip on those things and I’ve learned a lot. I hope in some ways I’ve become a better person because of the experiences I’ve had.
APPARENTLY OLD PISCEANS CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS
For a number of years, I felt too old to change – I was beyond redemption and thought all my problems were destined to deteriorate. I believed my mental health would never get any better. My 54th birthday was an utterly, utterly miserable affair and things got worse in the weeks that followed. Now it feels like a miracle has happened and a birthday I thought might never appear, has arrived. I’ve never felt stronger.
I am acutely aware that none of us know what tomorrow will hold but I can be grateful for today. Today is all we have. I try not to fret endlessly about all the mistakes of the past and just accept that what has been, has been. A lot of the time I’m getting quite good at this. I try not to constantly worry about what tomorrow might bring and instead, keep myself grounded in the here and now. To be perfectly honest, I’m less good at this particular skill. I’m a seasoned worrier and it’s taking a lot of practice to stay in the moment. But I shall soldier on. We are always a work in progress.
I AM GRATEFUL TO BE A YEAR OLDER
One day I won’t get the chance at another birthday so I must be thankful for this one. I’ve reached an age where the greatest gifts are words of love and support – where the mere fact I was born is important to someone else. That is worth far more to me than champagne or shoes ever will. Although to be honest, I like champagne and shoes as well. In that spirit, I made the decision to have an entirely non-productive day and instead spent time with friends and chatted to my children. I like to think of it as self-care and it was a most lovely way to turn 55.
It doesn’t always feel like it, but each day is a gift. Today, I am grateful for the gift.
