HAPPINESS
Who doesn’t love a touch of happiness here and there? It is such a soul-quenching joyous thing. I used to think the pursuit of happiness was the point of my life. But I have learned differently. It is a beautiful thing to have in the moment, but a life spent endlessly searching for happiness is a life spent living elsewhere and not in the moment. Happiness is found in moments – and they are fucking beautiful moments to cherish and hold onto. But everything passes in life. The heart-warmingly good, the bad and the very, very ugly. Life is a conveyor belt of emotions. It never stops and you really can never tell what’s going to be on offer on any given day.
Happiness noun
a: a state of well-being and contentment: joy
b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience
In 2024, I experienced the pinnacle of happiness in my life. And it was the most intoxicating thing ever. I was dripping with joy almost day in and day out. For weeks at a time. Again and again. I could barely imagine anything else. It became my every day. My sense of self expanded like a giant colourful helium balloon. Rising and rising. I’d never known anything like it. And then that happiness abruptly disappeared. The shock of coming back down to earth has been a little shattering if I’m being completely honest. But shattered things can be pieced back together. They look different this time but they become whole again in their own new and unique way.
I have been blessed with happiness throughout my life
My childhood was sad. Not in an abusive or traumatic way. It was simply an absence of love and a deep sense of not belonging anywhere. That emotional neglect has gone on to have major repercussions in my life and none of them are positive. It took me many years of growing up before I felt any sense of happiness or belonging. It finally happened in my university years when I made deep and meaningful connections. Connections that continue to be deep and meaningful more than 30 years later.
While I can reflect and recognise I have struggled with major depression and anxiety my entire life, I can also reflect and recognise that I have been fortunate enough to have an awful lot of very happy times. Falling in love and getting married. Having a safe emotional space. The experience of being a mother – three times over. Performing music. Watching my students perform. Close connections with friends. Weddings and babies. Travel. Chocolate. Sunsets and sunrises. All the things that so many of you can relate to.
But nobody is responsible for my happiness, except me
It is very, very possible to make someone else sad – through words or actions, we can all be hurt. Whether that is intentional or not. And once we’re sad and hurt, we have to work through those emotions ourselves until they are absorbed and dealt with and moved past. It is also very, very possible to contribute to someone else’s happiness – through words or actions. Intentional or not. And that feels lovely, but at the end of the day nobody else is ever responsible for our own happiness.
I have known sadness in deeply happy places. And I have known happiness in deeply sad places. So much of our emotional experience of life is found inside us – not outside. If I can’t be happy on my own, I can’t be fully happy with someone else. I can feel happy moments with someone else, but I’m unlikely to overall have a peaceful and contented life if I can’t find it within myself. And that continues to be a major journey for me.
When you grow up with an absence of love, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to understand or find self love. And without self love, happiness feels dependent on external circumstances. It’s not an inner peace. And all external circumstances can end. At any given moment. There are the obvious things like holidays and events that are always designed to be momentarily happy. And then there are the bigger life experiences that may or may not be taken away in a heartbeat – financial security, safety, physical or psychological health and wellbeing, career, purpose in life, identity and a million other things we take for granted. But one of my greatest sources of happiness has been relationships with people. And all relationships ebb and flow. Some last. Some fade away. And some disappear abruptly.
It is those losses that can crush happiness
After having a sense of connectedness, it can be so very difficult to be alone and to find purpose and joy again. But ultimate happiness is an internal not an external experience. Eventually, we are all alone. One way or the other. For one reason or another. For a short time or a long time.
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I think most of us can relate to a strong sense of loneliness in a room full of people. But it is also hard to feel a sense of connectedness in the world while sitting alone in a chair at home. It is then we need our inner sense of peace. Where we can understand our place in the world and appreciate the joy of a sunrise, with its magnificence of oranges and reds and pinks bursting through the skylines. Or the molten taste of velvety chocolate igniting the passion in our tastebuds. A purring cat. A clean house. Singing, dancing, reading, writing. Binge-watching Netflix. Walking in nature. Sleeping. All the simple beautiful things can be happiness-inducing.
Happiness appears in the most unexpected of places
Appreciating the beauty of life without external connections with others enhances the exquisitely gift-wrapped joy that appears when the people we love enhance our inner happiness with the sheer magic of their presence in our lives.
Happiness is that state of well-being and contentment the dictionary references. Peace is in the beautiful memories of all the things that have blessed our lives. Or dreams of all that might happen in the future – real, imagined, impossible or practical. While other people can enhance the happiness we experience in life, a fundamentally happy life is found inside us, with quiet contentment and acceptance of the beauty in simplicity.
I have been deeply unhappy. And I have been wondrously happy. I will no doubt experience both those things again in the future. Being grateful for the beauty and accepting of the rest seems like a good starting point for a happy life.
