BOUNDARIES
Over the weeks and months and years of my healing journey, I have heard the word ‘boundaries’ whispered in my ear countless times. Although, sometimes it’s less of a whisper and more of a fish wife’s guttural screech, echoing around the chambers of my people-pleasing brain.
BOUNDARIES ARE NOT SOMETHING THAT COME NATURALLY TO ME
When you grow up in an environment where you are never good enough and endlessly criticised, you spend your life trying to please people. Making people happy becomes a love currency – in the eyes of a child, if the people around me aren’t happy with me, they mustn’t love me. Those learned behaviours flow into adulthood. Now, that may not be a fact, but it is definitely a feeling. A feeling that I have worked very hard to acknowledge, accept and overcome.
Constantly people-pleasing, feeling never good enough and allowing my innate sense of worth to be dictated by others has led me to struggle with codependency. I have spent a lifetime sacrificing my own needs and desires in order to make others happy. Sometimes these tendencies have struggled against my innate nature which is highly independent and slightly rebellious. My nature does not always sit well with my nurture.
The first rule of boundary setting is learning to say the word “No”. My husband has no trouble with “no”. In fact, he’ll often embellish and emphasise with a, “Fuck no,” or, “No. Fuck off.” Or maybe, “You’ve got to be fucking joking.” (Just to clarify, he doesn’t actually speak to me like that. If he did our marriage might have been short and not so sweet.) But he does have the ability to recognise his needs and desires and speak his truth. It also means when he says yes to something, I know he is genuinely okay with his decision.
I have quietly observed this skill over the past thirty years and with some encouragement from my psychologists and psychiatrists, I have started to put this philosophy into practice. I am allowed to, in fact, say no. The trick is to work out when I want to say no. Because as a people-pleaser there is always a certain amount of satisfaction in saying yes. It is not an all-bad thing.
THE QUESTION IS, HOW MUCH OF MYSELF IS SACRIFICED IN THE YES
For the vast majority of my relationships with friends and family, I have not needed to set boundaries. They are naturally respectful people who do not use and abuse my time and love. As I have said on numerous occasions, I am truly blessed with the friends I have gathered around me in life. In fact, they have been the first to point out that perhaps I could learn to say no on occasion.
Organisations and businesses and committees love people-pleasers. We say yes to all the things that nobody else wants to do. I spent many years volunteering my time in various roles. Often volunteering more hours than my paid work ever generated. I am now very circumspect with my time and energy. I have learned to say no to committees. Volunteering an hour or two here and there on an ad hoc basis is fine but becoming the glue that holds something together is no longer on my to-do list. I do not want that responsibility – ever again. I confess I am quite burned out from past volunteering.
SAYING NO TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAS BEEN A MUCH SLOWER LEARNING CURVE
Boundary setting has crept up on me in small increments. I needed constant reinforcement and permission to learn the skills. It has taken six years of therapy and encouragement. But I have made changes.
- I have learned to make time for myself without feeling guilty
- I no longer respond instantly to every message and demand that comes my way
- I often don’t answer the phone (in fact if I didn’t give birth to you or marry you I really don’t want to answer at all)
- I don’t say yes or no until I’ve decided what I really want
- I am learning to ask for what I want for myself (a work in progress)
- I won’t subject myself to emotional abuse or manipulation
- I try and speak up for my own needs and desires – which is a fine line between self-advocacy and feeling selfish
And boundary setting has cost me a friendship. That is a very hard thing to acknowledge. I have wonderful friends who I have regular contact with. And I have beautiful friends who I barely stay in touch with, but when we reconnect it’s like we were just talking yesterday. I love and value all these amazing women and none of them need any introduction to the concept of boundaries.
But I also spent many a wonderful year with a very close friend who (for whatever reasons have manifested in her own past) could not recognise boundaries. We had a lot of fun and fantastic adventures together, but my inability to say no led us into a very unhealthy situation. When I exited the psychiatric clinic in May 2020 with the word “boundaries” ringing in my ears, I started to practice “no”. Over time it has eroded our friendship and the fun and laughter just washed away. We had a very respectful conversation together where we acknowledged our friendship had run its course and our trips away together had come to an end.
THE LOSS EMPHASISES TO ME THAT SAYING NO HAS UNCOMFORTABLE CONSEQUENCES
There is a reason that people-pleasers say yes all the time – it’s because it’s comfortable. It is a learned coping mechanism. And like any coping mechanism, when it is gone you are left feeling uncomfortable and become vulnerable to other perhaps equally unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I am learning to sit with squirmy feelings – I have been practising this since I first started therapy in 2015 – but it is uncomfortable and nobody likes sitting with discomfort.
I have learned however, that practice does make perfect. When I first said no to something I would lie awake for days on end worrying about the flow-on effect. Now I am practising my DBT skill of radical acceptance and acknowledging I cannot control how others perceive me. And if my relationships disappear when I stand up for myself, then maybe they weren’t built on solid ground to begin with.
As I get older I am becoming very comfortable with aloneness. In fact, if I didn’t go to work or the gym I might choose to never leave my house again. I am very happy here in my little nest. I don’t need other people to validate me anymore. I’m not sure if this is an age and wisdom thing, a therapy thing, or a combination of the two, but it is a peaceful place to be.
Boundary setting may seem logical and common sense to some people, but to some of us, it is a fear-inducing response. Never judge or criticise a people-pleaser, we are merely doing what we must to feel safe and secure. Overcoming the need to say yes all the time feels more honest and in fact, really peaceful. I am very grateful for the comfortable place I now find myself in. If I ever say no to you, please recognise that this has been a difficult journey for me. And if I say yes, trust me – I thought about it and I’m happy with the decision.
