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Author: slyemm

WORDS TO LIVE BY

I’ve started reading again. Please let it be known, this is very good news – on numerous levels. In case you haven’t picked up on it before, I have a somewhat addictive nature, and one of the many ways I’ve numbed myself is with candy crush. I take no pride in this. It is a stupid, trivial, pointless game. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing candy crush if you’re the kind of person who pops on and plays a couple of levels every now and then. But if you’re like me and managed to get past level 3000 in a depressingly short period of time, then clearly there’s a problem. And no – I haven’t spent any money on it – just a ton of time, which is far more valuable than money.

THE ESSENCE OF LIFE

I recently read a little about Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. It’s interesting – have a bit of a look if you have the time. And the inclination. The essence of our lives can be broken down into five fundamental human needs, and the most basic are of course physiological. We all know that.

SAD SACK OF SORRY

I’m a wildly swinging pendulum. For a moment there, I slowed the arc of the swing right down – and that was quite pleasant. It certainly made my psychologist happy and I live to please. But now I’m back on the wild ride of excessive bingeing, purging and restricting, wanting to self-harm (have resisted so far), suicidal ideation and messing with risky behaviours, and just generally digging a big pit of misery to hang out in – for no other reason than it feels wildly familiar and comforting. (Go figure – misery = comfort. Don’t worry – makes no sense to me either.)

PEACE

I’ve been afraid to feel peaceful, for fear the next hammer blow will fall. When you live in constant fear of things going wrong, you don’t feel any peace. But today – today I did feel peaceful. Climbing a beautiful cape and looking at the stunning views and hanging with a good friend and eating good food and just generally enjoying life. Which is rare – but awesome as well. Rare, not because there isn’t a lot to enjoy in my life – there most certainly is – but because in recent years it’s been too hard to relax enough to let peace flood in.

I WANNA BE THIS DOG

Wanna know what my anxiety looks like? I had an unpleasant moment at work today, then later realised I’d spent the entire day on edge as a result of that one moment. For the whole day I was slightly teary, heart pounding, wanting to punish or numb myself, and counting the minutes until I could get out of there. I felt frozen to the spot and terrified of opening my mouth – just hoping the earth would swallow me whole. This is a scenario I am all too familiar with.

DISCOMFORT

I must be do something right. I’m feeling very uncomfortable. And I’ve been reassured again and again, that change is uncomfortable, so I guess this is change. Whether it’s short or long term change, is yet to be determined. In the meantime – I’m feeling very uncomfortable.

ETERNITY

I’ve been watching a few TED talks lately – because I can 🙂 I watched one by the inimitable Sir Ken Robinson about passion, and a particular quote jumped out and grabbed me.

If you’re doing something you love, an hour feels like five minutes. If you’re doing something that doesn’t resonate with your spirit, five minutes feels like an hour