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Author: slyemm

SAD SACK OF SORRY

I’m a wildly swinging pendulum. For a moment there, I slowed the arc of the swing right down – and that was quite pleasant. It certainly made my psychologist happy and I live to please. But now I’m back on the wild ride of excessive bingeing, purging and restricting, wanting to self-harm (have resisted so far), suicidal ideation and messing with risky behaviours, and just generally digging a big pit of misery to hang out in – for no other reason than it feels wildly familiar and comforting. (Go figure – misery = comfort. Don’t worry – makes no sense to me either.)

PEACE

I’ve been afraid to feel peaceful, for fear the next hammer blow will fall. When you live in constant fear of things going wrong, you don’t feel any peace. But today – today I did feel peaceful. Climbing a beautiful cape and looking at the stunning views and hanging with a good friend and eating good food and just generally enjoying life. Which is rare – but awesome as well. Rare, not because there isn’t a lot to enjoy in my life – there most certainly is – but because in recent years it’s been too hard to relax enough to let peace flood in.

I WANNA BE THIS DOG

Wanna know what my anxiety looks like? I had an unpleasant moment at work today, then later realised I’d spent the entire day on edge as a result of that one moment. For the whole day I was slightly teary, heart pounding, wanting to punish or numb myself, and counting the minutes until I could get out of there. I felt frozen to the spot and terrified of opening my mouth – just hoping the earth would swallow me whole. This is a scenario I am all too familiar with.

DISCOMFORT

I must be do something right. I’m feeling very uncomfortable. And I’ve been reassured again and again, that change is uncomfortable, so I guess this is change. Whether it’s short or long term change, is yet to be determined. In the meantime – I’m feeling very uncomfortable.

ETERNITY

I’ve been watching a few TED talks lately – because I can 🙂 I watched one by the inimitable Sir Ken Robinson about passion, and a particular quote jumped out and grabbed me.

If you’re doing something you love, an hour feels like five minutes. If you’re doing something that doesn’t resonate with your spirit, five minutes feels like an hour

FEED ME

We all have physical hunger and we all need to feed it. The body needs nourishment in order to function. Feed it badly, it will treat you badly. Feed it well and you’re on the road to good health. If you’ve nourished your body regularly over the years, you experience appropriate hunger cues. Haven’t eaten? Your belly will grumble. Overeaten? You’ll feel uncomfortable – and stop eating.

TROLLS

I don’t get it. Why do people troll? Why get nasty and spiteful and agro? There are things I believe in passionately, subjects I have strong knowledge and opinions on, and there are times when I feel completely bamboozled by beliefs diametrically opposed to my own. But never – never, ever – would I engage in disrespectful debate.

NOT BROKEN. STUCK

I’ve started a course in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy and while I’m very early in the process (halfway through week one 😀 ) I have already found a lovely little snippet that really resonated with me. And I mean REALLY resonated!

I’m not broken. I’m stuck.