I am trying to figure out why I indulge in actions that disgust me, but I do anyway. Sure – most of them are inherent behaviours. But I’m not as silly as I look – I do have the capacity to learn and change. My mental health stuff has become appallingly resistant to change. There is nothing we do that is without benefit to us. Nothing. Even all those things we do “for other people”, it turns out, there is also something in it for us.
There’s a little glimmer of warmth, burrowing into my chest. And a chink of light, peeking into my spirit. If I listen carefully I can almost hear a heart-warming song. It has taken me awhile to recognise it – the song of hope. Unfamiliar. Really scary. Really positive. Hope.
It’s so easy to focus on everything that goes wrong, everything that still needs to be fixed, and how big the fricking recovery mountain is!
It’s so easy to regret the decades where I didn’t seek recovery or acknowledge the severity of my problems. And to bemoan my many failed attempts at change, the misunderstandings of my own behaviours and those of others. To look back in frustration at not having the wisdom or strength to question my thoughts and feelings and actions.
The Mighty are running monthly self-confidence challenges all year. I religiously did the daily writing in January. Was too exhausted to do whatever the February challenge was! But I’m going to drop in late and start the March Challenge. The week one task is:
Make a list of your top five strengths. If you aren’t sure what your strengths are, ask a friend or family member. You can also take the VIA (Values in Action) Survey of Character Strengths.
Despondency.
It’s an unpleasant feeling.
I’m currently wallowing around in misery, feeling sorry for myself but struggling to find the willingness to be willing to make the required changes to my behaviours. I’ve acquired all the necessary knowledge, tools and support networks. Still I wallow. Still I perpetuate the lifetime habits that I both loathe and cling to like a drowning woman.
Anyone who has never experienced mental health issues, probably finds this to be a staggering question – why wouldn’t you want to recover?! Who would want to stay “sick”? Well – I am struggling to heal – and I don’t want to stay sick – but I also can’t seem to recover. Don’t worry – it makes no sense to me either!
Personal Prompt: List five goals you’d like to accomplish next month. Develop a short strategy that will make each goal a reality.
Creative Prompt: You’ve been commissioned to create a statue for your hometown. Describe the statue.
Personal Prompt: Write an instruction manual for taking care of yourself.
Creative Prompt: Plan a surprise party for a friend. Who is the party for, what are you celebrating, where is the event being held and how will you decorate?
Personal Prompt: Write a letter to someone who has treated you poorly. Explain to them how their actions hurt you and strategize a […]
Personal Prompt: You sign up for a pen pal and are connected with someone who lives in a country on the other side of the globe. Tell them about your life and where you live.
Creative Prompt: You are on a baking competition and have to make a dessert that will impress the judges. Describe your prize-winning dish.
Personal Prompt: Name one thing that scares you? Discuss why it scares you and think of some ways you might be able to […]
Personal Prompt: Describe a time when someone treated you poorly. Looking back at the situation, is there a way you would have liked […]
Ahh… Joy! Today, for the first time in a very long time, I feel the first fleeting stirrings of joy. It feels […]
Personal Prompt: For those living with health issues, if you could cure yourself, would you? Why or why not? I don’t have health […]
Personal Prompt: Describe a time when someone treated you kindly. What made this interaction so special? Leading up to my hospitalisation last May, […]
